Rant about ex H - still keeps giving thinly veiled criticism

[citylover]

Ex and I split Aug 2006 and divorced in Feb 2007. We have both moved on and are seeing other people - his new rship is quite serious this is fine with me - good luck to her. He seems really taken by the fact she has really good job and house - ironic really given that he lost us our house due to his ostrich approach to finances. (or maybe not)

Anyway DCs are going to visit hers for tea very soon, I am quite pleased as he finds them hard to deal with on his own and he said he didn't know what their fav food was - he said seems they ever only eat beans. This is rubbish I have just reeled off several healthy plus not so healthy dishes they reallly like. Suppose that just goes to prove he does not know them as well as I do.

I said to him jokingly suppose chips are out of the question to which he replied yes of course they will be. Then I said suppose it will be quite formal to which he said well they won't be eating in front of the TV like they do here! He was standing in my lounge at the time. In his usual smug sanctimonious way. He said it wasn't criticism but I know him - he always liked to make out I am a bit low rent! When actually I am not honest - just like a wide spectre of things.

He always has criticised me like this and at least I don't have to put up with it so much anymore - he is uptight and anal and I am much more relaxed and laid back about such things but why do I always end up feeling like I am the worse parent when he cherry picks when he sees them
never did/does the brunt of the parenting. He used to come back from trips abroad and first thing used to moan that house was a bit untidy when I had been coping with two young DCs alone for over a week plus work.

I work ft and tbh honest have enough trouble just keeping on top of the basics. The house is not brilliantly tidy but I do my best and can't afford a cleaner anymore.

He also said that DS2 should take his reading book so he could show his new DP how well he could read. To me this just smacks of showing off the DCs.

I also know he will scrutinise what clothes I put them in to see that they match look good enough. In fact he recently bought them loads of expensive (not designer) but good clothes for them despite pleading poverty probably because he thinks what I send them in look too cheap mismatched.

Sorry for rant but its Friday and I am tired and a bit PMT.

He sounds insensitive and its good that you're not together.

Its also good that he wants to see his DCs and that he's proud of them and that they can get on with his new DP.

And its fantastic that you've moved on and that his new relationship doesn't bother you.

You sound like a great mum and someone who cares about your children and will give them a kind and flexibile upbringing.

Don't let him get to you, put it to one side. At least he's not sitting there next to you getting on your nerves.

Sending good vibes.

goodness he does sound smug, but at least he does care about his children and makes sure that they do have what they need, there are some fathers out there who havnt seen their kids for years let along pay for them, just wanted you to know its not all bad

Thanks both yes I know it's good that he sees them he is a very dutiful father (I find it said it's out of duty and not out of love/real desire to see them) and although he continually moans about it and blames me for any bad behaviour and ill matched/cheap looking outfits he does see them fairly frequently.

TBH having kids was never on his agenda and I think he finds it very difficult.

We just have completely different styles he is very critical though and only ever notices the negative things. At one level now it doesn't matter because we are not together but unfortunately I still have to interact with him.

If we had no kids then I would be happy never to see him again.

Thanks again - felt better last night after some food and a glass or two of wine!!

does it really matter if the clothes are a bit mismatched? as long as they are comfy and fit ok, i don't think it does. Smugness does hurt and is really annoying and pointless. All you can do is pity him for getting his kicks that way, and be glad you've escaped his negative attitude.

Let me guess citylover, did you marry a Virgo too because your ex-dh sounds very like mine!

I'm having a hard time accepting the new girlfriend, he walked out on us in July saying he needed space only to have moved in with her by the end of August. It isn't because she is with him though, good luck to her if that is all she can get, but it is the way she is trying to buy my sons' affections and how they are going on days out "playing happy families." Like I don't even exist.

We are struggling because ex-dh had the same approach to finances and swanned off leaving us with the problems. New girlfriend has a house and car of her own.

He also doesn't know his own sons. He couldn't tell you what the dts like or dislike and despite the fact they are 5 1/2 they find him immature in the way he acts. At their age! He took them, sorry they as she is a permanent fixture when he has them, to the swimming pool today and dts' both said how daddy was "being silly."

Swines seem to be cut from the same cloth.

OMG yes he is a Virgo. LOL. I had never been out with a Virgo before and was shocked by his anally retentitive/OCD ish outlook on life. However after 15 yrs together some of those tendencies rubbed off a bit on me although I am pleased to say I am now geting back to my old self.

Some of it has rubbed off on kids and older DS is more like him than younger DS.

But completely reckless with money - it's weird when he was so tightly controlled in all other areas of life including emotionally.

Like you I think good luck to his new DP the other week he rang me and during the conversation mentioned that if they do live together he and the DSs will be covered by private health insurance and wasn't that good!!!! It's a completely different oullook on life and what's important!

As I said I am seeing someone though not serious and the difference is amazing. I have to stop myself from apologising that the house is not completely tidy etc etc but realise that that's not even on his radar.

I am not the tidiest of people btw but nor am I a complete slob. Somewhere in the middle.

Ha, how did I guess!

Virgoans should come with a warning UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MARRY, or the male ones at least!

Yes, mine was OCD on certain things but a complete mess on the money front. And a bloody good liar so he could cover up the fact he had made a mess of the finances after nagging me to do them for so long. He would also go on at dts about the mess they made with their toys, which I am only now undoing with them and teaching them to relax and not worry about stupid, unimportant things. The kind of things he would have gone ape over for no reason other than he was highly strung!

I have likened this period in time as having taken off a tight corset. You suddenly feel yourself relax and unstiffen and then wondered why you put yourself through it in the first place!

And citylover, for these type of men even the two on How Clean Is Your House would not be up to their immaculate, overly critical standard. (Mine complained that his new abode had dog hairs all over it, my reply was to ask if he knew where she kept her cleaning stuff and to get on with it.)