Christmas arrangements

[Sakura03]

Ds (age 3) and I went and stayed with my family last year for Christmas and new year, ds’ dad hadn’t seen ds for a couple of months by then but got cross when he found out we had gone. This year he got in touch in the first lockdown and started seeing ds regularly once a week for 10 weeks then he withdrew for a couple of months again and got back in touch and started seeing ds a couple of hours a week, picking ds up at nursery and give him his tea and I would then pick ds up which I initially agreed to as a short term thing with the plan of moving on to ex having ds one day at the weekends again but this never happened. However, last night ds stayed overnight at his dad’s place for the first time ever, it went well but ex wouldn’t tell me what time ds would be back and in the end I agreed to collect him (to try and keep things smooth between us) and we actually managed to communicate okay.
Tonight he’s texted to ask what we do at Christmas. He said by right he should have ds all of Christmas but that would be cruel to me so wanted my input. I suggested he come round Christmas morning and see ds open his presents and then I would leave it up to him when he would have him stay. He then asked if he was staying for Christmas dinner, I said if we could be civil then that wouldn’t be a problem. He said it wouldn’t be his preferred choice and decided he would collect ds Christmas Eve and he would have him for Christmas. I messaged him saying I didn’t think that’s fair for ds, after all, this is his main home, Christmas should be magical and special but he will never wake up here on Christmas morning (as every other year we will be abroad with family which I know obviously is my own choice). I said he had only had him stay overnight once, he doesn’t have him at the weekends anymore and during the week it’s been hit and miss and I’m the one having to transport ds which has an impact on my/our routine during the week.
I ended the message saying obviously he has a right to insist on this I do understand that and if that’s how it is then fine but we’ll need to work out a plan for him to have ds regularly as it’s not just about Christmas it should be all year round.

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable? Ex has just been so unpredictable since we split early last year that I really struggle with my boundaries. What do you guys do?

The only thing I'm questioning is why "every other year" you will be abroad with family?

The ideal situation would be that your ex and your DS build a good relationship and he gets SOME of Christmas each year....you should in future be taking turns...he gets him Christmas Day and you get him Boxing Day and you swap each year.

I don't think you can really take DS away abroad every single year.

I think either you have ds Christmas Eve to Christmas morning and ex picks him at around midday or he has him overnight and you pick him up on Christmas Day. A better arrangement still is that ex comes around and you give your son a family Christmas this year with both parents

In general, Christmas should be split, but I think your offer of coming over Christmas morning for presents is fair given he's only ever had him overnight once. It seems unfair that you do the hard work the rest of the time and your ex gets to have Christmas. I would stick with your plan for this year and plan early for next/ future years Christmases.

My ex doesn’t bother with the kids much the rest of the year so there is no way he is having them on Xmas. Don’t bother with them the rest of the year then you don’t get them for the fun bits, there’s no way he would ever take me to court so I don’t have to worry about anything like that

FortunesFave all my family live abroad so I have always spent every other xmas there even when I was with my ex, he doesn't have any family. I say we will go every other year but who knows, I will of course want to establish our own traditions too.
Givemeabreak88 this is a bit how I feel it is, I do all the hard work and the ex only used to have ds on Saturdays from 11-6 pm, twice he brought him back within 5 minutes because he couldn't cope with ds crying for me and didn't want people in the street hear it. He completely stopped having him on Saturdays after ds cried for me and told ex he didn't like him for 2 hours (ds had changed nursery group that week and not slept very well so I put it down to him having an off day but ex couldn't cope with it). After a few weeks he got back in touch and asked about picking ds up from nursery and I would collect him an hour later from his. Well that didn't quite work as they never made it all the way home (walking) by the time I got there and then ds was upset as he was excited to go to his dad's. I then suggested ex started giving ds his tea once a week and I would pick ds up just after 7 pm, even though this was inconvenient for me I thought it would be better for ds and he loved it. A couple of weeks ago ex was picking ds up from nursery and phoned me within half an hour to say ds had fallen asleep on his arm and I needed to come and pick him up as they were sat on a wall and ex had ds' bags and his own bike. I went and got ds, ex couldnt understand why I was cross with him, I personally would have locked up my bike and carried ds home or got in a taxi, I would have done anything to deal with the situation myself. He has now had ds overnight from friday to Saturday for the first time ever and thinks he's amazing. I'm really glad it went well but he need to prove he can be consistent and reliable and able to deal with any situation and not just phone me when he can't cope. If he was a reliable parent to my ds then I wouldn't have an issue with ds going to him xmas eve to stay over but I do feel a bit cheated... sorry to have rambled on...

Givemeabreak88 ds' dad wouldn't take me to court either.

Why do you think he has the right to insist on Christmas when he doesn't parent 50/50 or even 90/10?
I would simply say that until he has a more reliable and significant role in DS' life then major holidays will be spent with you and ex can play a role, just as in the rest of DS' life.
You're generous offering him to come to yours on Christmas Day.

You say you want your own Xmas traditions? Visiting your family abroad IS your tradition. In the long run it is your ds right to have a relationship with his dad, but I think this year is too soon for him to go for All of Christmas.

Bottom line is that, in an ideal world where ds has regular overnight contact, plus frequent longer visits, that Xmas is shared. Fairly. And yes, if that means you take him abroad every other year, then dad also is entitled to a fair chunk of Xmas, birthdays etc.

As a single parent myself, I know this is hard to get your head round, and so hard to contemplate actually doing. You say he won't go to court, but he could, and you might find you have to switch xmas eve/xmas day/boxing day every year which would scupper your plan of travelling abroad.

I would offer flexibility - as he has only just started overnights I'd suggest he goes to dad's after lunch on Xmas day and stays over, maybe for a couple of nights.

Neither of you can unilaterally declare What Will Happen, and it makes me so ANGRY when posters comment stuff that is so far from being in the child's interest it is actually detrimental to the child's relationship with their other parent

There is no established contact routine and no court order so he has "no right" to have DS over Christmas at all!!

I would be aware if he has DS very near Christmas he may fail to return him to have him on Christmas Day.

It does read that he wants to turn up for high days and holidays without doing any parenting at all

If he wanted rights at Xmas he'd have to take you to court.

As you spend every other Xmas overseas with your family he would probably get the UK Xmases.

Does he live far from you? My ex and I swap kids on Xmas Day as the kids want to see both of us and they are old enough to have a preference.

Assuming he's consistent until Xmas I would offer 24/25 or 25/26 noon to noon? Your son is young enough not to know when Xmas is so you could create a Xmas Eve situation on any day that week.

I think you should consider going to court to protect your trip overseas every other year.

I don’t think he has a right to insist on anything at all! He’s barely been a parent over the last year! If he starts having more consistent access I would offer him afternoon on Christmas Day until Boxing Day. I wouldn’t let him go on Christmas Eve as you might not get him back, also waking up on Christmas morning is the fun bit with the kids.

Some men really have a cheek doing minimal parenting but expecting to be able to be involved in all the fun bits.

We have dsc 6pm Xmas eve till 6pm Xmas night one Yr.
Then the next 6pm Xmas night to 6pm boxing night.
His ex has to divide the rest of the holidays.
This Yr as she's working 1st week half term we have dsc 18th to 25th

She wouldn't allow any Xmas contact the first 2 yrs then 2 hours the following which is unacceptable along with other restrictions she put in place dh took her to court and now it all gets divided and alternate Xmas and birthday

Thank you everyone for you comments and suggestions. I just thought I would write an update. My ds has now stayed at his dad’s three times twice on a Friday to Saturday and he’s done a Friday to Sunday, I then had him all last weekend and I think we’ve finally reached an agreement as to how to split the weekends. He will have ds a Friday to Saturday, then a Friday to Sunday and then I will have ds a full weekend. I would have preferred him having him once a fortnight but he said he wanted more so I have agreed to trial this schedule. My ex also changed his mind and said that he agreed that our ds should stay at mine Christmas Eve to Christmas Day and could he come round on Christmas Day and then have ds from 25th pm to 27th which I think will work well. Fingers crossed he can keep to it!

Glad you have it sorted - just keep the communication up