Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Alternate Christmas even though kids don't want to go?

16 replies

charrowell · 12/11/2020 15:53

Long story short, technically it is my ex's turn to have our 2 kids, 7 and 3 this year for Christmas Day and it will be the first time he'll have them as we've only been separated a year.
Thing is my children, well 7 year old doesnt want to go all day when he insists that they should both be with him from morning until evening.
How do I go about this? Upset my child knowing she will be distressed and not want to go or just tell him the situation and lump it? (But not in those words!)
Thanks in advance

OP posts:

HappyAsASandboy · 12/11/2020 16:05

I would say that at age 7 and 3 and having never been there for Christmas before, they can't possibly know that they don't want to go.

If things are amicable between you and your ex, could you ask him to start talking about the things they'll do, and/or tell you what his plans are so you can start building the excitement for them too? If you/he can tell them that Santa is going to come to them there, that Daddy's going to cook Christmas dinner, that they'll watch a movie, that they'll play games etc then they may start to feel a bit more excited about it.

Unless there's more to their reluctance, I would think it's probably that they can't imagine Christmas anywhere except where they've had it before.

FatherB · 13/11/2020 03:21

Let's put it another way.

If both children were with him and enjoyed themselves so much that they didn't want to go home, would ex be justified in keeping them?

Original poster

charrowell · 13/11/2020 10:20

@FatherB

Let's put it another way.

If both children were with him and enjoyed themselves so much that they didn't want to go home, would ex be justified in keeping them?

I've no idea what you mean!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

charrowell · 13/11/2020 10:23

Okay, let me put it this way.
They dont enjoy being with him, he's emotionally abusive, constantly belittles me and my family to them (many times they asked him to stop), doesnt play games with them or take them out. He prefers to watch the football and leaves them to the care of his mother. Great father he is

OP posts:

ImFree2doasiwant · 13/11/2020 10:25

This is really tough, my 2 havent spent christmas day with their dad yet. My family go all out with excitement and fun at christmas, his family just dont, its very long and boring day there. So I'm not sure the DC would want to go but when it comes up, I'll just have to deal with it. It's only fair he sees them at Christmas if he wants (although in our case I don't know if he's too bothered, as he doesn't "do" Christmas much)

I think you need to have a sensible discussion with ex about what they'll do, and then talk about your 7 yr old so that they're looking forward to it. Don't bring your own feelings into it, be excited for him. And hold your own Christmas day when they are with you.

ImFree2doasiwant · 13/11/2020 10:25

Ok well that's a bit of a drip feed!

ImFree2doasiwant · 13/11/2020 10:27

Do you have a court order for contact? If not, and given your update , id tell him thar they want to stay at home Christmas day, that you dobt want to upset them Xmas day, and can he have them the weekend instead. Or the day before.

Whatthedoodle · 13/11/2020 11:17

If there isn’t a court order, would it be a possibility to split the day a little more so that they get a bit more time at home with you and it might not feel as daunting not being with you on Christmas Day?

blue25 · 13/11/2020 11:25

He’s their Dad so he should get to spend some Christmases with them. Be positive and encouraging to your children about it and I’m sure they’ll enjoy themselves when there. Don’t project your bitterness etc onto them.

movingonup20 · 13/11/2020 11:50

Can't you split the day - he gets the morning (less chance of sport!) then you the rest of the day?

mam0918 · 13/11/2020 12:00

the children should have final say, its them that are being dragged about and as a child of divorce myself its awful when parents put their own wants above your wants and your treat like property to be fought over with no voice of your own.

The main priority given that they have already gone through a huge life shake up that was no fault of their own should be the happiness and comfort of the innocent child not what a rational fully grown adult 'wants'.

MiaGracie · 17/11/2020 00:23

Pp said that as they haven't experienced it how will they know they don't like it?...

Well @charrowell I only saw my df in the evenings if I saw him for Christmas. I was an only child and definitely wouldn't of wanted my Christmas any different to how they were with my dm, and grandparents. I actually didn't always want to go in the evenings and I love my df.
Children do know what they want and like.

I actually asked my teens 15/13 if they would of wanted to swap Xmas's instead of seeing their df on Boxing Day.
They both said no, they liked how it was and Xmas wouldn't of been done the same at their dads. Again they love their df.
Children do know what they want, and they don't have to experience something to get an idea of what it would of been like.

I would explain @charrowell and if he doesn't understand tell him to lump it.

mam0918 · 17/11/2020 09:21

@MiaGracie

Pp said that as they haven't experienced it how will they know they don't like it?...

Well @charrowell I only saw my df in the evenings if I saw him for Christmas. I was an only child and definitely wouldn't of wanted my Christmas any different to how they were with my dm, and grandparents. I actually didn't always want to go in the evenings and I love my df.
Children do know what they want and like.

I would explain @charrowell and if he doesn't understand tell him to lump it.

This, as a child of devorce myself I absoloutly knew when and where I wanted to be (its cruel to say a 7 year old is too stupid to know what he is comfortable with, there is all kind of overstepping there to force him) and I would have hated being forced to go anywhere on xmas.

As an adult I refuse to go anywhere too - not my mams house, not my dads house, not my inlaws house or anything - nothing to do with not liking them.

Even though I was only 5 during the devorce I remember being taken into a room with a strange woman and specifically ask about my wishes on many things like this so children ARE suppose to make the choice not the parents who are bias (at the end of the day they are the innocent victim of the circumstance).

Xmas is a day I want to be comfortable at home and not worry about family politics and pleasing others I have felt like that as long as I can remember which goes back to being 3/4 year old. I got enough of being dragged around to suit my parents 'wants' the rest of the year.

Sockmonster23 · 05/12/2020 20:30

13/11/2020 03:21 FatherB

Let's put it another way.

If both children were with him and enjoyed themselves so much that they didn't want to go home, would ex be justified in keeping them?

This 👌 they haven’t been before so they wouldn’t even know, the tables might turn and they Do with kids and one day they might want to stay with dad more. Try and encourage them, don’t show anxiety and tell them you will be here waiting for them but to enjoy time with dad and Santa will be there and make it exciting for them. Try it

Original poster

charrowell · 05/12/2020 21:53

So hard this situation. I appreciate all comments.

Just an update if anyone wants to know. I emailed ex (he wont see me in person or speak to me any other way except email) and explained all clearly and without negative feeling etc. Said daughter wants so and so and suggested, not asked not told but suggested that she (and younger brother) go between 12 and 4.30 in order to spend morning and teatime with me and my family.
He actually agreed and so I explained to daughter the plan, that it wouldnt be all day and she has accepted that. Still not entirely what she wanted but I have said we will have a fantastic Christmas eve together instead.
Also since then other things have happened, he has said inappropriate things to her that has upset her greatly and so she is now refusing to see him but that is a whole new thread! And one which I just might post....

OP posts:

happinessischocolate · 05/12/2020 22:13

@charrowell

Okay, let me put it this way. They dont enjoy being with him, he's emotionally abusive, constantly belittles me and my family to them (many times they asked him to stop), doesnt play games with them or take them out. He prefers to watch the football and leaves them to the care of his mother. Great father he is

Ohh he sounds like my ex, we split whilst I was pregnant with our 2nd dc 17 years ago and the kids have never spent Xmas with him, I used to take them over for a few hours on Xmas day or ex would pop over to us to see them for half an hour but they never stayed at Xmas.

Ex liked drinking and watching footie so didn't pushed it when I said no, and I said no because I did 99.9% of the hard work bringing them both up so I was getting 99.9% of the good bits too.

Flip