DD's father planning to relocate to other side of world - how best to manage? (sorry long)

[buzzybee]

My DD was born in London but we now live in New Zealand. I am a kiwi, as is her father. We separated 4 years ago and DD is now 5 years old. He lives close by and we share her custody 50:50. He has for some time been in a relationship with a British woman. At the beginning of this year he told me that he and his current partner plan to relocate "back" to the UK in a few years time. Today he confirmed this again and said he expected this would happen in 2010 when DD will be about 8 years old.
Any suggestions as to the best way to manage the transition? We have 3 years so its not like he hasn't given plenty of warning - but I know DD will be devastated when she is told, and I can't see that changing.
Do you think I should consider a child psychologist when the time comes? From the way he is talking they don't plan to come back to NZ.
He says he wants her to come and visit him in the UK - but I don't think this is realistic (long haul travel alone as an 8 or 9 year old???)
How might I be able to make this less traumatic for her???

A lot can happen in 3 years. I would not say anything for a very long time yet to your dd. Once your ex realizes how much prices have gone up in the uk since he's been in NZ and how little he can get in comparison house-wise, he may rethink the move. If he doesn't...it's not ideal, but workable.

I am still together with my dh, but for long and complicated reasons he lives mostly in the UK and I am in Los Angeles with our children (aged 5 and 7). We have breakfast every morning with dh on the webcam (our breakfast, his dinner). the kids share their experiences from the previous day and tell him bad knock knock jokes. It took the children awhile to get used to the separation, but it's now 2 years on and they really are coping well. I took them to see a child psychologist early on who charged me a lot of money to tell me that I was doing everything right and my kids were very well adjusted. (I guess it was worth having an "expert" confirm my instincts) Dh comes over every few months and spends the summer with us, so it's slightly different than your situation, but it is workable with modern technology. Long haul travel can be done alone by an 8 year old (depending on the child's personality) as the airlines will look after them.
Best of luck.

Many thanks for that Sofia. When he first raised it I did think he'd change his mind but he still seems fixed on the idea nearly a year later - probably largely driven by his partner.
As you say technology can be a wonderful thing - but we will both have to work very hard to make it work, not so easy when you've been apart for many years.
The problem with long haul from New Zealand is that it involves at least one stop-over like Singapore. A typical journey time from Auckland to London is up to 30 hours. A very big ask for an 8 year old I would have thought - I find it exhausting enough as an adult!

This is a sad situation but i think it is possible for your dd to come through it relatively unscathed. I wouldnt tell her yet either as 3 years of this hanging over her is a long time. I would start to work at separating her from her father a bit and having her see him less often. Your ex needs to be realistic about the fact that their relationship will change and possible weaken over time. I think long haul trips alone are out for an 8 year old - imo they need to be a teen before this is possible alone esp with a stopover.at least you have time to prepare the groundwork. Taking some advice from a psycologist about how best to approach things might be a good plan.

Hmmm interesting point about the gradual separation Moopymoo. I can't see him agreeing to that (we have a formal custody agreement which states one week on one week off). Think I'll definitely need to seek advice on that point in particular - better for her to stop seeing much of him even though its her "last chance" (so to speak) of spending consistent quality time with him? Wouldn't she be resentful about that? After all at 8 she will have quite strong opinions of her own I'd imagine?

Oh - and definitely not planning to tell her any time soon! In fact, not until he's practically booked the tickets and booked the removals people!

bump - any further thoughts? Thx!

Hi Buzzy Bee - what a coincidence I am British but used to live in NZ and ds has a kiwi father. I moved back at 7.5 mnths pregnant (he decided he didn't want to be a dad). He moved to London for work (I live in the British equivalent of.... Raglan perhaps) when ds was 1yr old and moved back to NZ when ds was 4yr old.

Although ds is much younger than yr dd and ds saw less of him he was devastated for the first 6 mths and kept asking to see dad then dad came last year and they spent some time alone and afterwards he missed him less. Then when dad came over this year although ds enjoyed dad's company(except concussion after dad let him fall 7ft off wall onto head) but was much less bothered being a bit disparaging about a dad that isn't good at staying in touch and doesn't know him that well. Dad is vaguely disappointed that ds doesn't talk with kiwi accent and love rugby.

He has also suggested ds does solo visit but you know the journey - would you want your dd doing that alone? I have suggested meeting in Thailand or Vietnam though ex is vague and disorganised and son is becoming less dependant and more judgemental of a dad that just cleared off to the other side of the world. I never criticise dad and support any free idea to contact him but basically leave it to ds and his dad to sort out.

They are growing apart as they would do - ds doesn't seem to suffer he is amazingly well behaved loves school loads of friends and is good at some sports.

You are in a different situation but I reckon if a child is prvided with a stable base and supportive framework (eg you and yr family/friends) and is enabled to communicate as much as she likes they will establish a new relationship. You may regret her "not having a dad" (as I do) but what I do is never let my ds see it as a problem/disadvantage. It will be harder work for you as all her needs as a teenager will be centred on you - I agree with moopymoo that if father is determined to leave her to go to the other side of the world and very rarely see her just as she reaches some of her most vunerable years (being a 2ndry school teacher I think kids who lose a parent at 11 have it far worse than one whose parents break up at 7 or 8)that he needs to see that he has to begin to back off.

Sorry it is a bit long - hope that helps

Missy

Oops sorry thought she was 8 now and 11 in 2010

It most likely will be upsetting for her but she is at quite a flexible age so most likely with the right support and lots of love and encouragement will deal with it well

It is an awful thing to think about though - it just seems UK and NZ are so far apart in this situation and I wanted to send lots of sympathy to you - it can work out though and I hope that it does for you

Take care

Missy again

Many thanks Missy. Its interesting that you day your DS missed him terribly to start and then started to get his head around it after the first time his Dad visited. Even though your DS was 4 at the time and my DD will be 8 I can see the same sort of pattern is likely. Helps to know what to expect!

I'm pretty practised in the art of never being critical about her Dad as she talks about him a lot when she's with me (only natural) and I try to keep the conversation neutral even though he's done some amazingly hurtful things over the years.

I'm thinking about taking her to London next year when she will be just 6 to visit my brother and family so will be interested to see how she copes with that. She will be with me of course.

I have several friends who have relocated to another continent and continued to share custody 50:50 with young children.

In particular, one friend's wife moved to Mauritius (from France). He and she agreed that they would split the children 3 years with one three years with another - so the children spent the first three years living with their mother and her new BF in Mauritius and are now with their father and new GF in Paris. They see the other parent in the holidays and fly long haul on their own.

Another friend lives in NY, his daughter lives with her mother in Paris and flies out every holiday ie 5 times a year, on her own.