Changing from 50:50 arrangement

[DrFoxtrot]

I'm looking for any advice or MNers experiences of changing their 50:50 contact arrangements please.

Our usual routine is Sun/Mon/Tues with XH and Wed/Thurs/Fri with me, alternate Sat. It's been like this for 7 years and seems to work well. DC are now 16, 14 and 12.

Unfortunately XH had to leave his rented property 5 weeks ago and move into a flat with his partner and her one DC. I have our DC full time now while he looks for another house. He has had them for tea a few times but no overnights. I work almost full time as a GP and I'm absolutely shattered at the moment . My working week is set up so there are long days when XH usually has the kids and I can't change without leaving the practice short.

The DC have now decided that the hassle of our previous midweek handover is too much and they prefer living in one main house. I want to accommodate their wishes as much as possible and wondered whether having the DC for a week or two weeks alternate with XH might work. Or whether anyone has had a similar experience and made it work?

I feel we have coparented very well so far and that should continue, sharing the load of school runs, sickness etc. XH has also said he would have them full time when he gets a house but I definitely don't want that either.

I am in awe of those parents that do full time lone parenting, I have no idea how you manage. I feel like I'm failing from all angles at the moment as I'm also struggling to cope with my very busy job too.

Just saw your cleaner comment! Please don’t be embarrassed! I have a small cleaning business and trust me, the best jobs for me are the ones where I really make a difference to peoples lives. Elderly, disabled, single parents, mentally unwell, full time job and even a lady who’s husband is abusive to her hence she’s hired me to clean because he’s so unhappy with how she does it! Trust me I’ve seen everything and never ever judge. The difference you would feel is immense. 2 hours twice a week here would be £50 and that would be money well spent!!

I think you need a short term and long term plan. In the short term, your ex should pay for storage or find someone else to store the things. The kids need some rules, tidying up after themselves, making dinner etc. They are old enough to do these things and old enough to understand that you are working long hours and don’t want to come home to absolute chaos. Also, can your ex have the kids after school for dinner on the nights you work late? Then they come home to sleep.

Long term, you can have mediation, talk to the kids and work out what suits everyone. Lastly, you have my sympathy, it’s hard doing the majority of everything when you are running on empty without a break.

I do think the children particularly the oldest needs to be listened too.

They really have experienced both so can have an opinion.

How can they live at one home and maintain a good relationship with the other parent?

I realise we are in a pandemic and it sounds like gps are about to start a mass vaccination program but is it possible to cut your hours at all. Even just for a few months or a few hours can make a difference.

Also mass clean up with kids 4 if you couple of hours can make a huge difference. We will have a mass clean up then movie and takeaway night or as others say a cleaner. I think having your house sorted will help sort your head.

Thanks again for the suggestions . I'm swinging between feeling confident that everything is going to be ok and then feeling overwhelmed again. I'm sure we can find a compromise to suit us all, I am definitely going to take the DC wishes into account.

There is no way to reduce my hours at the moment, we aren't even running as a full team with sickness absence and people self isolating. Some colleagues are working from home even when they aren't fully recovered. And now we have to prepare to help with the vaccination programme.