Covid test and DC's Dad

[pinkyyperkyy]

Hopefully I can explain this without writing an essay. I accept that I was in the wrong but I need to ask if what I've done is really awful.

My DC had a covid test towards the end of half term. They didn't have symptoms but have a bad immune system due to existing health issues, and the virus has started to spread around their siblings school. It was for my peace of mind as we were due to visit their Nan who unfortunately doesn't have very long left due to a serious illness. The last thing I wanted to do was to pass on the virus to her unknowingly. I'm not sure how long lock down will last and I didn't want to miss that last visit. (I accept that tests aren't supposed to be used this way, and I won't again).

This test came back negative. I didn't tell DC's Dad as it was negative and they had no symptoms at all etc.

DC then had another test done this week (it was done privately by a company as a requirement, as DC was supposed to be going somewhere this weekend and they provided this test kit).

DC had no symptoms, happy as Larry like normal.

Ex asked what the result was and I said I negative (again, they had no symptoms, they'd tested negative the week before and this test was only as DC was due to go to this weekend activity). I was also being sent things by the company so I thought oh they must have got a negative result then etc.

DC goes to his Dads after this conversion. I get a call from the company yesterday to say that the second test was positive. I immediately ring DC's Dad to tell him and he has lost the plot. He has sent me email after email about how I have put his family at risk, I'm selfish, it's the worst thing I've ever done, how he's going to ring the school and inform them of my behaviour, I could go on.

I've obviously apologised, but reminded him that the second test was only done in order for our DC to take part in the weekend activity, and if the test hadn't been done then DC would have been going to his house anyway.

I don't have much contact with their Dad - he's controlling, abusive and we had to give up on mediation due to his constant shouting at me.

I accept that I should have waited for the second result, but as they weren't required to stay home from school, or have any symptoms, I thought it was all ok.

I'm being painted as an unfit mother and I'm not sure what to respond. Thanks for reading x

Just tell him you thought the result had been passed to the company running the weekend activity and hats why they kept sending you stuff about the activity and you stupidly thought this as they had been the ones to request the test kit. Apologise profusely. Cry while apologising.

So you told him it was negative but you hadn't actually had confirmation of the second test result? Why did you just tell him you hadn't heard yet?
The first test is irrelevant in this

Also a positive test does still mean time off school....

@missbipolar DC only had the second test due to it being a requirement for this weekends activity. If they weren't doing the activity then we all would have been none the wiser as they have displayed zero symptoms. DC would have gone to their Dads as planned. This test was not due to them being ill. If it was then I would have called the company to get the result before sending him to his Dads. I wrongly assumed that the company had been given a negative result because they started a sending me things for this weekend.

Keep in mind exactly why you did the test in the first place, you have fucked up here by giving a false answer to a serious question. Your ex's family are now in danger because of your response.

I understand your point that if it wasn't for the weekend activity, there would have been no test and so dc would have gone to your ex's unknowingly anyway. However, if things had happened that way no-one would have been to blame, and you have not owned up to your blame, you've just shifted it.

All of that said, it sounds like it was an honest mistake, you need to take responsibility and apologise directly for your blame but don't beat yourself up about it. Ex will obviously want to vent at you and I think to a certain extent you should accept that but don't let him push the boundaries into verbal abuse and try and calm things down.

DC should now spend the next 14 days at your ex's and your ex and his household will need to quarantine. That's a lot to handle.

@FatherB Thanks for your response. I have apologised to my ex but he is insisting that I knew DC was positive before sending him over which is entirely untrue. It was a genuine mistake.

Yeah all you can do is explain and if he won't accept it don't take any crap but accept that his feelings are valid given the situation.

Good luck!

The problem with dealing with an abuser is you end up feeling like you're W ever allowed to make a mistake. You are, you're human!

It might help to imagine (write down?) what a reasonable human would say in his shoes - ie someone allowed to be angry and scared and wanting to double check the facts, but still having underlying respect for you.

Anything that goes beyond that is abuse and you can refuse to answer.