Trying to be positive

[Sooz127]

So I asked my Husband to leave following the discovery of his adultery. It was 100% the right thing to do. It's been nearly 8 weeks since he had his bags packed for him. I am just crippled by this total hatred and loathing of him. The house still contains so much if his rubbish, whilst he sits in his new home with nothing to remind him of our time together. I have repeatedly asked him to collect his stuff, I feel like skipping the lot. I am allowing him as much time as he want with the kids, but every time he rings the doorbell I just want to fly at him, I feel so angry. I'm trying to stay positive for the kids, but I'm exhausted. Finances are up in the air, I cannot sleep and I'm trying to hold down a full time job, raise the kids and help my daughter recover from a serious accident. I know this all sounds like a pity party. I just want to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

You are doing great. Don't think otherwise. You need to adjust and grieve. That takes time.

Start packing up his belongings and store them in the garage. His loss if he doesn't want to collect them. Regular contact with the children. My ex settled on eow. This gave me some respite from his contact.

Money through CMS. Anything else through solicitor. Or mediation.

Move things around at home. Make the place feel different.

Seek support from your gp. Antidepressants helped me sleep and cope. I know it isn't for everyone. Gather good people around you to listen. And seek counselling if you feel this will help you.

Just go day by day. I did work through. But should of took some time out. Lock down gave me the space and time to rest and adapted to the new normal.

Eat and drink when you can and look after yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup.

My therapist told me anger is a charge, you need to get it out. I took up distance running when I was trying to get over my husbands infidelity, pounding the pavement I would ruminate on everything and get the anger out. It will fade in time. It’s all still very raw for you.

I recommend very low contact. Don’t try abs get him to see how much he hurt you- chances are he knows and doesn’t care. Fuck him. If he won’t collect his stuff, bag it up and put in loft. Just think about the next thing you have to do and keep moving forward.

Oh and chump lady. You need chump lady in your life

This is why I look to Mumsnet when I need it the most. People holding you up and offering the best advice, when you feel completely lost and adrift. Thank you from the bottom of my heart I appreciate it so much.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings op but it takes fekn years. I'm 4 years post date of separation and only now really to pick up the overweight, less scruffy than I was, slump of me and get going with life. The anger is a massive luggage to carry around but eventually you will get bored of it. I had an counselling type appointment yesterday and for the first time didn't care whether she believed me because I somehow just knew that she did. Grey rock works for me. No information. Give them nothing. Don't play nice and share Christmas etc. I still absolutely die inside when I get messages saying, 'do you have the kids on the weekend of.... Would you like to...' it still hurts but it is the way it is You turn a corner and think you are 'better' then you turn another corner and realise you weren't better at all. Pp is right about the every other weekend. It's a fantastic rest. Fantastic. Don't zip about doing everything. Watch Netflix, cry and do a couple of jobs. It's a long, long and lonely haul. I don't think it gets easier but time moves you on and changes your perspective and energy to cope with it all. Well done for throwing him out.

And yes, pack his stuff up put it out of sight and move the furniture around a bit.

Ask him when he's going to collect his stuff in email. Then tell him. Then dump it.

Are there any practical daily tasks we could maybe offer suggestions about? Or legal stuff?

Pack his stuff up and put it somewhere safe. Don’t throw it away as he will tell your kids that mum threw his stuff away. Ignore him and arrange a regular routine. My ex and I have spent Christmas together for the kids and still do birthdays. I think the kids appreciate it. But I know I have to work hard at not letting him bother me.

Yeah. Keep yourself squeaky clean. I did one Christmas like that too. It was so boring and lonely. And on top of that I had to look at him all day. Far better a relaxing Christmas without that drama and pretence.