Child mantanence Abuse

[Sue0141]

Hi all
I’m in a sticky situation. Iv been divorced 15years due to DV have 2 kids one now adult one teenager. My ex husband has always Tried to use money to control me. He will pay minimum amount possible and stops payment as soon as he doesn’t agree with something Iv done. CMS calculated he was to pay £400pm. I know this is a lot but he has a yearly trip with the lads to Las Vegas, building a house in South Africa and 3 cars. Due to the constant abuse I agreed 2 years ago to direct pay for half of this just to keep the peace. He starts and stops whenever he pleases.
However I was made redundant last year and so started my own business. My ex is very bitter and won’t move on or let go of the past. Jealousy is destroying his life. My business is slow but steady I’m still struggling and need a small top up from universal credit to manage day to day. As with all self employed business the start up is slow but I work hard. I have been lucky that I have friends who were able to help with professional marketing for free, this has made the business look more established than what it actually is. My adult child has helped market and promote this business. My ex went mad at this and sent many abusive texts to her saying that she has chose her side and they both stopped talking for some time, he then stopped the £200 monthly payment instantly telling me I would have to take him to court as he will not pay me a penny more towards our youngest. They have since made up but my eldest has made it clear he is never to bad mouth me again to her. She now feels she can’t get involved with helping to promote business in fear of upsetting him. This is fine I don’t want her to feel caught in the middle.

However I have needed to transfer to collect and pay. Due to covid there has been a delay. My ex owes £2000 cms. He has just recently received the letter from cms and he has gone nuts. Not at me nor our eldest but to our youngest who has autism. He has sent her very abusive texts calling me a nasty bit of work, and basically bad mouthing us all. Telling her that she is taking my side and he is going to disown her if she continues to take my side. He has also told her I will make him homeless because of this back payment and has threatened suicide several times to her.
I have not had contact with him at all he blocked me on everything as soon as he stopped the payments
My poor youngest she was doing so well and this is just going to bring her down. She is extremely emotionally sensitive.
She doesn’t see her dad at all but keeps regular contact on the phone. Iv never stopped contact, always encouraged it but that is his choice. Iv kept quiet all this time never retaliated to abuse against me, his words now go over my head. As far as I’m concerned he is my past I won’t be controlled any more. He knows this ...
So now he starts through our daughter, the one who cannot emotionally handle it. I don’t want her involved. I cant tell her to not get involved or ignore his messages as she won’t. She is so scared he will kill himself and she feels if she does it will tip him over.
As hard as it sounds I don’t care what he does but I do care about my children and how they are feeling.
I have contacted the crises and mental health team and when he threatened suicide he said he was serious so I called the police for a welfare check. He lives 100 miles away.

What would people do in this situation I just don’t know what to do for the best. Again it’s his way of gaining control of me and our lives. I feel so angry he is using and destroying our children’s mental well-being just to get at me. I have never said a bad word about him to the children. We all have to live with the past he has his way of blaming everyone else and making everyone feel guilty for the harm he has caused. I left the marriage YES BUT FOR A GOOD REASON. One he will keep denying. I actually think he believes his own lies

How old is your DD? If he is causing her distress I would inform school (if relevant) or college or maybe the police.

She is 16, o have spoken to her youth worker today and they are going to offer extra support. Trouble is she rejects this and tells everyone it doesn’t bother her, it shows in her behaviour.

Your situation sounds very difficult so big You are clearly trying to do your best for your DCs and it's to your credit that you haven't resorted to bad mouthing their dad.
I obviously don't know how your DCs would react but I wonder if you could sit them down for a grown up, factual chat about domestic abuse and what this is, how it works and your understanding of why their dad behaves as he does. It may help your youngest to decide how she wants to react. She needs to understand that he is not her responsibility no matter what he threatens. Domestic abuse is about power and teaching your girls how to recognise this and not play his game would be awesome. I also wonder if the police would be interested? This is surely emotional abuse of a child/ coercive control?

At 16 you can act to protect her no matter what she says. (Not in a way that makes her feel like you're not listening to her.)

Me and the girls just left with a back pack, we stayed in a hostel for several months. I was then able to get private rented accommodation. He made our life hell, the emotional abuse seemed to get worse. He would turn up at my house shouting abuse from the outside, banging on my windows etc. We lived in fear and We were left with no choice but to flee, we had a lot of help from the police with relocation. My ex Again found out where we had moved to and sent bailiffs to my house with court papers to try and get full custody. Back then my self confidence was low. The courts obviously would not allow him access unless it was supervised. This progressed to contact every other weekend but there has always been him bad mouthing me. The novelty for him soon wore off and he stopped his visitation, the girls didn’t mind as they hated going as all he would speak about is me.
They do keep contact via phone. He appears to be supportive with professionals we have involved with my daughter and her needs. I have spent the past 15 years having to defend myself. He blames me for our daughters autism’s ( he won’t accept she has autism. To him her challenges are because I kidnapped them. Luckily these professionals have seen through him.
We have since built our lives up. I’m now strong and independent and so are our girls. We don’t stand nonsense from anyone. However this is different. This is their dad. I know that guilt feeling. He made me feel it. They have a much stronger connection to him and are too young To deal with this emotional abuse. The authorities are now aware. Her youth team have increased support, and are going to arrange a police interview. After 15years we are still having to fight. All they want is a proper dad. I do have another little one with a different man. That relationship ended due to my ex,and it wasn’t meant to be . we remain very good friends, I couldn’t ask for a better dad. He dotes on his daughter. Everything is equal, we both live our lives and we both trust each other with the care of our daughter. My eldests wish their dad was the same.

Is there anyway of blocking him on her mobile for a time without her knowledge?
Wouldn't be my usual approach, but possibly worth an explore until a better resolution can be found...

Cms.
Block all contact.
Tell your dd it is OK to stop seeing him.