How much contact do you reckon in this situation (and am i being a b***h)!

[FrightOwl]

when ds first started seeing his dad again (when dad got his act together and started turning up when he said he would, for the first time in eight years) ds was coming home very upset. (trust issues, thought he wouldn't see dad again etc etc). so i told his dad that all weekend, every weekend was doing ds no good. it was too much too good for him at that time.

we agreed on one night only on a weekend and maybe tea one night in the week. first exp started letting ds down in the week and then his next trick was to take ds on a Friday, not bring him back the next day and ignore his phone when i rang.

after i had a bit of a rant that he's going back on our agreement, he's reluctantly bringing ds back on said night and in front of ds, asking WHY he cant stay another night. which obviously makes me appear to be the villain. the crying has also started again.

now as far as im concerned, im working full time now and dont get to do much with ds in the week. apart from the reason we initially agreed on one night only, i would like to spend one night a weekend with ds too. even if we dont go anywhere special. there is also no reason whatsoever why his father couldnt have him to sleep one night in the week too and take him to school the next day, (he hasn't worked for a while) except he's too farking lazy. as usual, he's getting the good stuff.

im also not entirely happy with whats going on there. exp is letting ds stay up into the early hours, and letting him go all day without food. he will offer him one thing, and if he doesn't want it, the rest of them sit down to their meal while ds goes without and is given a bag of crisps. i understand that he shouldn't get special treatment where food is concerned but he's not being naughty, he has always had food issues (will only eat "dry" food, no sauces, nothing "slimy") and i dont make a big deal of it, i just cook him a variation of what everyone else is having. i give him two "variation" choices and that works great for us. he's starting to eat a lot more now than he would (practically starved himself at one time).

now he comes home after his weekend, so tired he cant keep his eyes open, starving and in tears.

dont get me wrong, im glad his dad is seeing him now for his sake but im almost wishing he'd get lost. in a few short months he's managed to ruin every thing we've sorted out. (the sleeping, the eating etc) exp is basically a big kid.

i do feel like im being a bitch though tbh, would welcome opinions.

every week seems alot imo. Exp sees ds everyother weekend fri & sat night back on Sunday. Means that ds gets weekend with me and dp too. Ds idealy would like to see less of his dad.

Regarding the food you need to speak to ex about this. Have a chat with your ds and what he likes and dislikes and agree to talk to your exp. Have a talk to him about all these things and cleary state what you expect for the contact to work.

My ex can be a real idiot and often misses give ds a meal and has kept him up late. Takes ds then ages to get back on form and effects school. It is important you speak to you ex about these issues.

i think you need to make it clear that ex dick ed can't just swan into your lives and turn everything upside down.is he not grateful that you didn't tell him to eff off??? i dont think you're being unreasonable and you need to put ur foot down hun

I think you are right to be concerned about your Son, It sounds as if your ex is not putting your son's welfare first. He needs to realise that your Son is experiencing stress from seeing him again and that he should be doing everything in his power to make it as easy as possible for your son.

Providing him with food and rest is his basic human right and I think you need to make this clear to him, Even though you work full time, you may still be able to use legal aid.

I am sure I have read somewhere that when a Mother works full time, she is entitled to have one full weekend out of two with her child.

Wat does your Son want to do? I think he is old enough to have an opinion. I would suggest to your ex that you reduce the access to one evening in the week and then a 24 hour period over a weekend and make it clear to him that your son needs limitations on bedtime and that your ex needs to go along wiht your Son food requirements.

I think most of us want our children to have a relationship with their fathers but not when it costs the child its happiness and peace of mind. Keep strong, you are not being a bitch, you sound like a caring supportive Mother.

thanks all. i did exactly that rosasmum with the contact arrangements and exp agreed. (over the phone) but as soon as ds gets there its a completely different story. he went back on our agreement, and although i dont think he has ever badmouthed me to ds, he makes it quite clear that he doesn't understand what my problem is.

he's more of a pal than a dad. there was a time when i thought just the fact he'd woken up to himself and started taking him was good...but now i admit im not so sure.

he never bought him a birthday card, he bought him one gift costing about £3, weeks after his birthday. i know hes not working at the moment but ive been in that situation before and have always given ds a good birthday. he refused to come to ds's birthday party even though i invited his gf and her son too. he pays me no money, he "loses" ds's clothes, so now he has no nice ones, oh i could go on and on (normally do).

ds loves it, loves to be there. they are a "family". i dont think anything else matters to him. of course ds loves it when he gets to stay up until 2am...and gets to eat crisps and sweets as his main meals..grrr.

but as parents then its our job to make sure kids dont do that? because they dont see the consequences of what they percieve as fun. exp doesnt seem to have cottoned on to this yet!

i have no control over what happens when he's at dads unfortunately. exp objects to being "told what to do" by me (as he puts it!)

HIya

My best friend had this kind of problem. Her son was tired. She thought long and hard and told ex that ds couldnt cope with the to and fro ing.

She lives with her ds, but like you felt she was having no good free tiemwith him(he's 8 too)

you are not being a beetch, at all. Your ds needs weekend time with you athome too, poor lamb. What about everyother weekend? And continue the midweek visits, but make them a novernoght. Or just sack the mid weeks, if ds getting tired.

Its a matter of care and trust, which i personally dont have for my ex, concernign the food issue, hell my ex has to be asked, by me to give dd a bath. I should perhaps point out exactly (unfortunately they need to have it pointed out)what meals are the most simple and a dead cert that your ds will eat. Its not hard to rustle up something if your child is fussy, as it mine. hth

i think ex is fine with anything ds does, so long as he can do it himself and it doesnt interrupt their lives. ive noticed they only seem to want him there when her son isnt seeing HIS dad.

i did make the point that when her son sees his dad is eff all to do with my ds...but they play together you see...so exp gets off lightly.

bung him in with the other child and all is great?

FrightOwl your ex isnt looking after your son probably and it seems he is being used as a play mate for the other boy, if its effecting your son then you re-consider the amount of time you are letting your ex have him, if your ex cant even handle one night in the week when he dont even work then he isnt capable of having him at all, he sounds like his access should be supervised.

Tell your ex to take a hike. Your son is better off without him.