How do you get real support?

[PinkArjuna]

Hi I'm new.
I'm 24 and 7 weeks pregnant now. It wasn't planned. it was an accident. I took the morning after pill and everything - so, scared like hell I might have problems in the pregnancy. I am usually so careful - it only takes once. I would be devistated if I miscarried - they say it is more likely if you took the morning after pill. I have been spotting too but they say it is normal. I hope it is

Things are hard, I had chronic anorexia and it is kinda unbelivable I could actually fall pregnant. Let alone after one mistake. I am healthier these days but I still find it hard. I have been trying to get the support I need and everything has evaporated under my nose. I know realistically going this alone with a family I can't depend on is going to be the hardest thing in the world. My mother is abusive and vindictive and the whole family is under her spell. How will I continue with college? So many questions.

I am trying to move away from the City I live in. I am hiding the pregnancy from my mother. My father knows and is trying to help me get away and start a new life. He knows she can't be trusted when it comes to me. She would have rathered my brother stay in a toxic relationship just so she could get her hands on a few grandkids. He finished it luckily. She thinks she failed with us - so my baby that is hardly even the size of a pea will have her trying to steal my life away from me again. Gosh my baby would look like gurgling redemption - an all you can eat buffet for her controling munipulative behaviors to manifest and try and get a real hold of my baby. She was a baby collecter anyway. Adopted 3 of us, had 2 of her own... need I say more? Those were the days before real screening though - wouldn't happen now - we are an interacial family too - that is outlawed.

How can you get real support with moving out of your area as a prospective single mother? does anyone know? I have noticed they try to keep you bound in a place with few opportunities and make you suffer for not having a socially acceptable relationship. Sometimes you must go it alone and it shouldn't be so daunting/frightening/isolating. This pregancy has me so depressed - where am I going to live when my landlord evicts me kind of things. Not to mention I suffered depression before the pregnancy - now I can barely stop the tears. Nobody seems to care. Is that what it is like these days? you fear for your life and they wait till you are on the streets before they'll offer you some skeleton support? Oh I don't know. I just wonder if anyone else is in fear of their life for being a single mother.

I want my baby so much but I want a good start. some stability to work on making the changes I need to be a good mum. It is so hard

Thanks - Pink

my situation isnt the same as yours at all but the fear is terrible i know. i have two kiddies now...the first was planned in a stable relationship but i was 19 and hadnt a clue...having a sickly prem baby was hard. i got pg again last year and my partner ran off back to his ex...who i had found out was pg aswell. it was a really bad time for me...i wanted the baby so much but i didnt want to be alone, had a job, social life etc. i got depressed...i cried from when i woke up to when i fell asleep. i think i was on autopilot for most of my pg...i felt quite calm after about 4 months but it was hell when i had my dd...shes beautiful and a joy to be with but it wasnt always like that. i had a labour i hated which didnt go to plan at all and i was in a lot of pain for about a month afterwards. my dd cried non stop until she was 3 months old but i was grateful that she was healthy after the heartache i went through with my son. I lost my job too which was heartbreaking the way i was just shoved out due to having been on mat leave. but i wouldnt change any of it. my dd is now 9 months and shes wonderful...i get down sometimes yeah but im so happy i have both of my children...they are the only things ive ever done right in my life and i adore them both...whatever crap comes at me i know its all worth it and i know i made the right decision, no-matter how terrifying it was. i went through the worst year of my life but strangely it gets dimmer and dimmer now and i almost forget how hard it was...people always think they wont cope but its surprising how you do under pressure...we find strength when we didnt know we had it in us...god knows where mine came from but it was there and im ok...you will be too. talking to people on here really helps too i find...it stops the madness! sorry i dont know anything really to give you advice on your own situation but there are many on here that do and lots of support for people who need it aswell. lots of luck on your pg xx

Hi Pink,

Your council should be able to help you re-locate but I doubt they'll be in much rush before the pregnancy is more advanced/baby is born. Can you afford to rent or buy privately? Also if you still live at home and declare yourself homeless I t hink they will contact your familiy to ensure that is correct.

There's a lot of info in your message, I'm not sure which is of most importance - staying at your college or relocating.

Once your baby arrives there are organisations that can provide you with support or at least point you in the right direction.

someone recently pointed me in the direction of OneParentFamilies. I've not used them myself but they have a free-phone advice line - it sounds good.

Also there's Gingerbread which, they can tell you where your nearest Gingerbread meeting is and thats for one parent families.

Then there's schemes like home-start. These I believe are people who help you out and provide support with everyday tasks once the baby arrives.

Sorry I am a single parent but I've no actual expereince of using these facilities so hopefully somebody who has will see this message. Also anyone - feel free to correct anything I've written that might be wrong.

Pink, I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. I haven't been in your situation, so no direct experience (although I am a single parent but my kids are 13 and 11!), but fizog's recommendations are excellent. Mumsnet is a great place for moral support too, so do keep posting because you will make good friends here. Good luck XXXXXX

Hi Pink,

Firstly taking the morning after pill wont affect you. So don't worry that there is harm to the baby. Make sure you do eat, as you are now feeding for two. During your pregnancy your hormones will be going all over the place, so your feelings will be jumping from one emotion to the next. Also they recommend you should take folic acids for the baby, although I only started taking it a few weeks before dd was born!

I have been a single mum since dd was 8 months. I live on my own, in a 2 bedroom house, that I receive housing and council tax benefit for as I am on Income Support, because I don't work. What are you doing at college? If you're relocating, then you should probably be able to continue it there if they do the course. You can also get childcare for your baby if you carry on after pregnancy.

One Parent Families are good, this is their website with their contact number (08000185026). Ive used them before. Or there's Gingerbread that fizog recommended. Also, when you've had your baby, the health visitor can be of use. Mine is a star. She has set me up with home start, and they're going to organise someone about my age (Im 20) to be able to come round to mine for visits just so I have someone to talk to and go with to groups with. They can also be used to help you in other ways, like look after the baby whilst you get on with housework for instance. She can also tell you about groups to meet other mums. When you start antenatal classes, you meet mums there too.

You can also get lots of advice and support from mums on here. There are often meetings in the different areas so if there is one in your area, then you can go along. If you go to Citizens Advice Bureau, they can help you with making sure you get everything you should be entitled to. When you've had the baby, you will get a £500 maternity grant, so if you havent got everything you need for the baby, then you can get it then. Is your dad going to be supportive when you've had the baby?

I hope everything works out well for you. And you will be a good mum, you're asking for help at the moment to do all that you can for your baby. Don't worry about not having enough money as benefits will help you out if you don't work, and Ive been on my own for over a year now, and me and dd manage some how and we're both very happy. Good luck xxx

Hi Pink
I can't add anything to what anyone else has said apart from congratulations on your pregnancy and keep posting on Mumsnet because you'll get all the support, help and practical advice you need from here. That's especially important if your family support is as ambiguous as yours sounds.

Hi Pink.
Welcome to MN. Just thought of one thing that hasn't been mentioned yet - I think some of the pro-life charities, such as Life, can assist with all sorts of things (and possibly even provide some limited financial support). Take all the baby mags with a pinch of salt - little babies require very little by way of furnishings - don't be demoralised by the marketing ploys that suggest you should be spending tons of money on a nursery. Are you in touch with your GP/under a psychiatrist or CPN at all atm?

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Dear Pink Maybe try a Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) I am pretty sure they can assist on all the various benefits. You will get through it and you will take great pleasure in your baby when she/he arrives. I have been on my own since DD arrived she is now 22 months. Also use the net to find anorexia support groups or charities they may be able to help. Do mention to your midwife that you were anorexic. Best wishes

Hi PinkArjuna I found this which will help you get accomodation.