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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

HELP!!! DH and I are separating, please help me find a good solution for contact/visits. :-(

39 replies

Isababel · 12/10/2007 08:42

Ok, so finally, we are at it. We have been very civil to each other about the matter until the visits topic was aproached.

He said initially that children should be with the mother (DS is 4 yrs old) but now he wants to have him for a week at a time.

DS has multiple allergies and does need plenty of consistency as we have noticed that as soon as routines are relaxed we get a call from school as his behaviour deteriorates. So, I'm afraid that one week here and one at DH's would be not exactly consistent for him.

We have tried to get to an agreement about this and so far the options are the following:

-DH takes him to school most days (his suggestion, which I think is a fantastic idea)
-DS goes to DH's after school on Wednesdays and stays with him overnight.
-On weekends, he can have him from friday afternoon to saturday evening OR from saturday evening to sunday evening.

-DH takes him to school most days
-DS goes to DH's after school on Wednesdays and stays with him overnight.
-Dh has ds from friday afternoon to sunday afternoon on alternate weekends

DS stays full week with each of us on alternate weeks (I cry thinking about this).

Could you please help us to find the best solution for DS?

TIA

OP posts:

Miaou · 12/10/2007 22:04

Isababel, just seen this and have no advice to offer re ds, but my thoughts are with you, ds and actually to your dh too as it sounds like you are both doing your best for ds. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

(my initial thoughts however are that option 2 would be best )

Original poster

Isababel · 12/10/2007 22:14

NapiesGalore, thank you, I hope that posting about it has not upset you so much. Thank you for helping us understand some of the potential problems.

The main problem I see with Wednesdays is that Dh travels a lot so there will be plenty of times when he wouldn't be able to make it (atm he is doing trips 3-4 times a month). I thought that perhaps we should consider wednesdays like a "special treat" for when DH is available rather than a fixed day to be spent with him. Not because I want DS all to myself but because I don't wan't him to be disapointed when his father is not available.

Yesterday we were talking about shared Christmas, birthdays, etc. Sadly, one of the main reasons of the break up is my MIL's interference so a difficult situation to resolve there. I had offered Dh to put things aside and spent Christmas together alternating between the 2 families (both overseas in different countries)but atm he says not to be really interested in Christmas. (although I foresee that eventually he will)

The

OP posts:

Original poster

Isababel · 12/10/2007 22:16

Thank you Miaou

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NappiesLaGore · 12/10/2007 22:17

i also think yerbert's post was a little on the aggressive side... and unneccessarily so.
i think, isababel, that you (and your H) sound like you are committed to doing the best for your dc. you dont sound at all selfish to me.

NappiesLaGore · 12/10/2007 22:28

yes, i think the 'special treat' wednesdays sound much better than an arrangement which gets broken in unpredictable manner (again from childs pov)

personally, i think either solution 1 or 2, with the amendment of wednesdays as mentioned sound like ideal arrangements. ds gets the stability of one main house (im a hippy at heart but believe me, i think i needed that) but with v regular contact with both of you (the mornings with dad)
he gets stability, but never misses anyone for too long.
about as perfect as it will get, imo.

the week on week off thing could work but youd have to suck it and see, and then only if the two houses, routines, locations, nearby friends, etc were v v similar. imE, i would hesiate tho... as i was forever without correct equipment or homework or books or whatever, due to the two houses in the week setup i had. is not nice to be told off for forgetting things when i would have had to have planned 3 or 4 days ahead to have had them... a bit much to ask an 11yo!

and no, im not upset. i think you and your ds (and your h) deserve to have all the input you ask for. i think you are doing a great job of thinking this through and am pleased to help in any tiny way.

Original poster

Isababel · 12/10/2007 22:39

Thank you again, the school equipment brings a good point... need to plan for duplicate kits at both homes!

Believe me, you are helping in more than a "tiny" way. Thank you

OP posts:

NappiesLaGore · 13/10/2007 00:44

Anna8888 · 13/10/2007 08:40

I also think that presenting Wednesdays as a special treat only when your ex-DH is available is a great idea.

My partner takes his sons out of school (individually) for lunch in a restaurant when he can find the time from work and they love this - a special extra treat with Papa, one-on-one.

Original poster

Isababel · 13/10/2007 09:15

We talked about this again yesterday, and it seems as we both have drawn conclussions on our own but agreed on the same. So everything points to number 2.

I really don't want to rock the boat but wonder if it would be a good idea to start with a friday to sunday for the first weeks and see how it works.

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Original poster

Isababel · 13/10/2007 09:17

Of one thing I'm sure, he is to start this "new adventure" with his father, he is taking him with him on the first weekend away. I think they both will enjoy it.

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Anna8888 · 13/10/2007 09:22

Isababel - a friend of ours separated from his wife last year. His two little boys were 4 and 6 at the time. To begin with they did "half" weekends ie Friday evening to Sunday morning/midday. Probably a good idea .

I think it is harder on your son than on my stepsons because he is an only child. My stepsons always had one another to fall back on. That also took the pressure off us.

Original poster

Isababel · 13/10/2007 09:45

ouch... yes, that is true.

I was thinking this morning of doing something, a little thing for him to have at DH's new houese for him know that although away, I'm always with him. A similar thing that reminds him of his daddy at ours will be good too. At the moment I was thinking comforters (too young yet for a mobile phone ) although obviously, he cna ring his father as often as he wants.

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Tottie32 · 13/10/2007 12:56

oh how long has the lone parent advert been there, not noticed it before,

try and resolve MIL issues as they were a big problem for me and hence the break up, and even now she still has problme with me, god knows why ex has remarried we have all moved on but she seems to be stuck, and cant seem to move,

some of the things she says to dd is shocking, and it drives me insane that i have no control over it , as ex leaves dd with her on a regular basis during his contact with dd,

hope you get it sorted

Tottie32 · 13/10/2007 12:59

i was reaing something about step familes last week that suggested that both parents had a pic of the other parent , in the house on view

we have loads here of ex but not the other way round

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