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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

If you are a lone parent ?

19 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 06/10/2020 16:35

How have you managed to date again? I mean truly a lone parent so father not involved, as I know it would be possible if kids go to the dads etc any lone parents on here managed to date again and how did you go about it?? I don’t want to be alone forever

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ShagMeRiggins · 06/10/2020 16:41

Depends on your circumstances—age of children, family involvement, work schedule to name a few—but the first thing that comes to mind is harnessing a great support group of others in a similar situation who are willing to swap favours.

I’m not a lone parent but at one point when the children were a certain age and babysitting fees seemed extortionate (when combined with the cost of going anywhere decent, sometimes double the amount for a complete trip down the pub), I organised a sort of village collective where others in same situation volunteered a night of babysitting in return for same on a different night.

They were all friends/known to me, but it worked well for those few years and saved a shedload of money while our children were looked after by a known family friend.

ShagMeRiggins · 06/10/2020 16:42

“Complete trip” should read “simple trip”, as in just going to the pub for a couple hours for two drinks and bar snacks. Hmm

SimonJT · 06/10/2020 17:10

It depends on the set up, I’m also a lone parent, there has never been a second parent.

I had tried meeting people but it wasn’t work, I didn’t have time etc, so I gave up for a while.

When he was three I signed up to a dating agency (I thought this would be mortifying, but it was fine if a little bit awkward in the initial stages of questions etc as they asked about everything). I wasn’t convinced it would really go anywhere, but a few of my friends persuaded me to do it so I gave it a go.

I went on a date on what was my monthly day off from parenting, he was really really nice and it was my ‘oh shit’ moment as I realised I would struggle to dedicate any time to seeing him again. Really it was me putting barriers in the way, so I begged and persuaded people my son is happy to be with to do the some babysitting and managed to get one evening a week to date, we also sometimes met up during our lunch hour. I know lots of people don’t approve of this but he would sometimes come over once my son was in bed, I had friends over most evenings, so someone being in the flat if he woke up wouldn’t be unusual, although it never happened as he is a good sleeper (and hearing impaired).

It did mean them meeting after the six month mark, as that was the only real way of spending more time today. Then we built up so a few hours at the park became park and then lunch at ours, which then became him coming to ours without meeting outside first etc and then we introduced a sleepover night once a week, this then became twice a week (but not consecutive days), then a little weekend away together. Now we live together and moving in together actually went smoother than I expected.

I did have a huge luxury though, I only work four days a week, so when my son started school my boyfriend changed his study day to coincide with my free day. We would have probably struggled without that as was our own real quality time together.

Givemeabreak88 · 06/10/2020 19:19

Thanks for the comments, sadly I don’t know many other single parents to swap babysitting etc they all got it set up with their exes so wouldn’t need me and most people won’t have 4! Just want to hear that there is hope to meet someone again, it’s incredibly lonely and everyone around me seems to people people so quick, I’ve been single almost 4 years.

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SimonJT · 06/10/2020 19:29

@Givemeabreak88

Thanks for the comments, sadly I don’t know many other single parents to swap babysitting etc they all got it set up with their exes so wouldn’t need me and most people won’t have 4! Just want to hear that there is hope to meet someone again, it’s incredibly lonely and everyone around me seems to people people so quick, I’ve been single almost 4 years.
What about the weekend day that your ex has the children?
CutCopyPastedLikeYou · 06/10/2020 19:33

I just didn't date while they were too young to be left. Depressing but true. I have the kids 24/7 so that was that plus 2 have special needs so babysitter not an option.

10 years single but I'm finally back dating again. Well I was until lockdown Grin

Givemeabreak88 · 06/10/2020 19:51

Ex isn’t really present in their lives he flits in and out and is back out again so no help there even when he was in he never took them (Only saw them at mine) so no time to date then really

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Givemeabreak88 · 06/10/2020 19:59

Should add he has never even had them overnight ever so pretty hard to date when they don’t go off to their dads for the weekend etc

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youwillbelimitedastonumber · 06/10/2020 20:08

I am in the same position. I have 3 children and their father has seen them a handful of times this year and only with me somewhere else in the same park. I dated through the summer and with friends managed to get an evening a week but with the restrictions at the moment it’s just too much so have stopped. I saw a guy for a couple of months in a very casual way and it worked well before the no household rule. I’ve cancelled all dating etc until restrictions ease again. How old are your children?

Givemeabreak88 · 06/10/2020 20:14

That’s how my ex was youwillbelimitedastonumber he would only see them at my house with me present, he has been out of
Their lives more than he has been in. My oldest is 9 and youngest is 3 (he left me when I was pregnant Confused )

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youwillbelimitedastonumber · 06/10/2020 20:20

My oldest is 11 and my youngest is 7. It is possible to date. I don’t want to be alone for ever more. Have you joined any dating apps?

youwillbelimitedastonumber · 06/10/2020 20:49

It is a minefield but I did my first ‘dating’ via video chats in full lockdown. It really eased me back into the whole idea of dating and built my confidence!

Givemeabreak88 · 06/10/2020 21:01

youwillbelimitedastonumber I did have a look on tinder after being advised by my sister to download it but I haven’t spoken with anyone as I didn’t want to mislead anyone iyswim by chatting but not being able to meet, (I know people get annoyed by that!) so I’ve just been swiping to have a look at what’s out there! My youngest isn’t in nursery as I decided not to send her this year what with Covid etc so I don’t know if it will be easier when they are all at school but just want to know there is some hope

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youwillbelimitedastonumber · 06/10/2020 21:08

There is hope! There always is hope.

All at school and no restrictions will make a world of difference.

Soopermum1 · 06/10/2020 23:14

When I met DP, my ex would have the kids for a few hours either on Saturday or Sunday afternoon. I'd also use a babysitter or friends, but we averaged meeting once a week, for a few hours in the afternoon for the first 6 months of our relationship. Once things got established we spent the whole time in bed making the most of things 😊

But I was up front with DP from the beginning about my circumstances and he's a very patient man so it worked out. It helped that we both have busy lives separately , but the time flew by until the time was right for him to meet the kids and start staying for weekends.

SoloMummy · 07/10/2020 08:59

@Givemeabreak88
Yes I'm a 100% lone parent.
I've been on a few dates. Mostly I've tried to arrange for my non working days when lo is in school (infant age).
This tends to have worked out OK and have pre-covid asked a family member to have lo for a couple of hours. We'd happily have one another's children under normal circumstances.
I've always been honest about my situation and tbh I don't think it has negatively impacted in terms of potentials. But I have very specific criteria with regards the other person being as local as possible as for me this seems most practical if I'm going to be able to facilitate a relationship and don't wish to introduce someone for 6 months plus.
Atm I'm chatting to someone who is local to me. And am getting to the point of considering meeting up if we've a mutually convenient opportunity on my days off but not a weekend at this stage.
I've found that tbh the daytime rather than evening meets have been preferable and a coffee style meet up allows for a swift exit if wanted.
Until your child is at school or nursery, you may find this difficult without a circle of potential babysitters right now, I'd personally put it on the back burner. But I know of women who have apparently taken their pram age children on dates! But that was never for me!

Givemeabreak88 · 07/10/2020 10:12

Thanks for the advice SoloMummy I don’t mind waiting a bit longer , just as long as there is some hope and I’m not destined to be alone forever! It’s crazy how quickly some people meet people, I know someone with 19 month old twins whose already been living with her new partner for 5 months and I’m 3 almost 4 years in and still haven’t managed to meet anyone, I guess it’s all down to what support you have, there is not many people who would look after four and paying would cost a fortune never mind the fact Oldest dd has autism anyway so would be out of the question. I have heard of people taking their children on dates as well, that’s not something I could do either, it’s one of the reasons why dd isn’t going to nursery as I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving her with strangers, not meeting them before hand or being able to settle her in! So there is no way I would bring her on dates. It’s my birthday in a week so I guess I’m aware that I’m not getting any younger so it’s making me think about the future.

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samosamimosa · 07/10/2020 10:17

@Givemeabreak88

Should add he has never even had them overnight ever so pretty hard to date when they don’t go off to their dads for the weekend etc
That's my situation. I didn't bother trying to date. It's been over ten years and they haven't seen him, I doubt they'd recognise him.
Givemeabreak88 · 07/10/2020 10:28

samosamimosa my ex was only ever interested in me. As soon as I told him he could no longer come to my house to see the children he stopped bothering with them, decided it was too much effort, he has seen them sporadically over the years but has gone years at a time with no contact, he’s never had them at all without me being present and wouldn’t, such a waste of space.

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