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Original poster

can ex just not see kids unless he wants to

18 replies

Shadeslayer · 06/10/2020 13:18

ex has said he will only have kids when it suits him legally he doesn't need to see them at all so I'm left with all the before after school care, days off and sick days while he picks them up on a Saturday for a fun day out.

Can he just leave it all to me?

OP posts:
Antipodeancousin · 06/10/2020 13:23

Yes, you cannot legal force him to have the children more often. You can however inform CMS of his minimal overnights and claim higher rate of maintenance from him. You can also refuse to facilitate spur of the moment contact and ask him for set dates when he will be having them. If he won’t cooperate you can withhold access until he takes you to court. No court will say it is in the children’s best interests to be made available for contact at all times so he won’t be allowed to swop in whenever it suits him.

carly2803 · 06/10/2020 14:15

ditto above ^

i suggest you take back control, tell your x - "the children will be available on x date from 12-5 (or whatever),if you do not appear by 12.15, we will assume you are not coming for contact, therefore we will carry on with our day and you lose your contact for that day"
or something like that!

control... use yours, else he will take it from you

Original poster
Shadeslayer · 06/10/2020 15:53

Thank you. I have made an appointment with a solicitor after calling a legal advice charity for family matters. I am so shocked at his antics I can't think straight most of the time.

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 06/10/2020 16:33

Of course he can, how do you think there are absent fathers Confused

LaurieFairyCake · 06/10/2020 16:36

And the other thing you can do is smile beatifically and say it suits you fine

That's if you think he's doing it to wind you up

Plus you can get someone else to let it slip that there's another significant person on the scene - then he's more likely to want to see them etc

All because he's a monumental fuck badger

unicornsarereal72 · 06/10/2020 17:39

You can go to court but he still doesn't have to see the children. No one can force absent parents to have contact.

As others have said set clear boundaries. Every other sun at x time. Don't let him dip in and out as he chooses.

Money via CMS. Hope you have more success than I have.

boohock · 06/10/2020 17:43

@Shadeslayer it sucks doesn't it. I've recently told my ex he either has to step up or step out of my DS life cause he's at the age where he knows what's going on now and has only seen him for 2 hours over the last 9 months. How old are your DC?

It's so frustrating that they can pick and choose what/when they do but as soon as we put our foot down and don't tolerate it any more then they can take us to court to get what they want. As PP have said make sure you're claiming CMS and I hope your legal appointment works out for you Thanks

Original poster
Shadeslayer · 06/10/2020 18:03

DC are 4 and 8. He does love them and is good at taking care of them it's all about me having the cheek to finally chuck him out.

*Of course he can, how do you think there are absent fathers

I do know they can choose not to have contact but I was unsure of where I stand with him dictating times and days around his life. Also about what steps I can take to ensure he doesn't continue to walk all over me but do it legally.

OP posts:
june2007 · 06/10/2020 18:14

Do you have formal agreement on days /hours he has them andyou have them? I would get this in place then you know where you stand.

Original poster
Shadeslayer · 06/10/2020 18:23

Not as yet he had agreed to 2 nights a week for dinner and a weekend over night but that only lasted for 3 weeks before he started to complain about having to free time and getting later and later then 1 day taking them for 30 mins

He also won't give me set times to collect them which is infuriating

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 06/10/2020 19:11

Well going to court won’t change anything as it just forces you to make them available to him doesn’t mean he actually has to see them.

unicornsarereal72 · 06/10/2020 20:53

Go out. I know how hard this is. I was part of a community allotment. I left the house at a certain time. If he was there by the time I was leaving We all went.

It is a hard line to push. But once you have stood your ground it gets easier. I hope it teaches the children that they don't have to tolerate poor manors from anyone. And know their worth.

Antipodeancousin · 07/10/2020 00:38

You absolutely do not have to be dictated to about contact by him. Put everything in writing so you have evidence of his unreasonableness in case he takes you to court. Offer him set dates and patterns for contact. Ask him to offer an alternative contact routine if he doesn’t like the one proposed by you. If he continues to propose irregular spur of the moment contact you respond with ‘it is not in the children’s best interests to not have a routine.’

He is likely just trying to wind you up and make sure you cannot plan a social life around his contact days. He probably does want a relationship with the kids and when it becomes apparent he can’t use them to bully you he will pull his head in and arrange regular contact. Be prepared to be tough though, at the end of the day kids need routine and predictability so you need to do this for them.

blueberrypie0112 · 07/10/2020 00:42

This is extremely sad. Mother’s rarely give their children away and say “I will only see them if I feel like it”

And people are so forgiving of fathers who do this.

Toontown · 07/10/2020 00:45

Be strong. Set times. If he isn't there on time go out. You choose half the times.

Graphista · 07/10/2020 02:45

Op take it from one with regrets

Far better an absent father than one that pops in and out when it suits them likely becomes invisible just as they hit emotional pre-teen stage

DO NOT push him to see them and equally don't goad him by barring and likely making him dig his heels in.,

That was the mistake I made which I very much regret.

It's been utterly heartbreaking to see dd try and cope with repeated rejection

Over time I've seen the different scenarios played out

Ideal - involved and engaged and present co parent ex

Next best - completely absent ex

Worst - ex who picks up and drops kids as if they're toys and only exist to serve his purposes

You can't force someone to love their kids I'm afraid Sad
And I'm afraid he doesn't love them cos if he did this wouldn't even be a consideration

NandosPeriometer · 07/10/2020 10:34

He can't chop and choose. You and the kids aren't trained dogs sitting and waiting until he decides to turn up.
Suggest he takes you to court so you end up with a routine. He's not obliged to stick to the routine but you'll be able to book stuff on the other days without feeling guilty. If he says that he won't be seeing the kids to fit in with their schedule then leave him to it. He will get satisfaction from you begging and him having the power to turn you down.
Agree with the advice that you go out during contact so he can't drop them off about 30 mins too.

HugeAckmansWife · 07/10/2020 14:45

Also, it's really really hard but try not to let him think for one second that he is 'helping' you by having them. For the first couple of years after ex left he used to threaten not to come at all (including at Xmas) unless I fitted in with his plans. Once I got the measure of bring a single parent and the kids a little older and easier, I was able to say OK don't come then and call his bluff. He stopped doing it. The set schedule is really important not saying it can never be flexible in a crisis or one off but then everyone knows where they sand and its clear if he doesn't meet his side of things.

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