Is this terrible of me to do?

[Finals1234]

Im a single mum to 3 dds. They are age 13, 11 and 8. I'm really struggling with them not doing enough around the house to help. Any time I ask them to eg put dishes away they will call their sisters to help and make it a big deal, or will do a few and then walk off. I work full time too.

Today middle one was in a strop and gets quite hangry so I did a big breakfast for us all. Took around and hour to cook and clean it all myself. Then did food shop alone which took 2h.xsme home and only 8 year old helped bring shopping in etc as the older two hid in rooms with 'homework'. Then I made dinner, made a cake needed for tomorrow. Called them to help prep dinner, they stay for 5 mins then disappear off to go to the toilet, get a jumper etc and don't come back. I call them for ages and they don't respond unless I shout.

Then I ironed all uniforms etc. Cleared dinner. We all watched TV together. Then bed time, they all left dessert pots in lounge. They were sent to bed at 9. Kept messing about and coming downstairs.

I came up at 10.45pm and they faked sleeping as I could hear them giggling earlier.

Then went to my bedroom. I had done two lots of clothes washes today and emptied them on my bed telling girls to sort them out into piles to go into their own rooms. They said they had done this. Except they hadn't even touched it. All the clothes still on my bed. I went nuts at them. Screamed at them and got them out of bed. I chucked clothes into the hallway and told them to sort them all out now. (it's 11pm). They weren't even asleep anyway. They have school tomorrow. I swore as well.

Just so pissed off. Don't even feel bad about it, just pissed off. They don't listen and they don't do anything to help despite me asking.

I will feel bad in the morning. But I don't know. They are still up sorting out the clothes.

Not total a chart or rota!

@megletthesecond

I don't blame you one bit .

I lost my shit yesterday about how this family is basically like a rowing race, except I'm the only person rowing while the dc's loll around and they wonder why we never win. I was quite ranty.

This evening DD overheard me telling my sister (whose dd is being just foul atm) that you have to lose your shit occasionally. DD was really shocked but I see it as a way of setting boundaries- we do do nice stuff that goes unappreciated. I think a once every couple of years blow is much healthier than a constant ‘I do everything round here, ignoring microaggresions, general I’m here to serve no one appreciates me’ vibe that so many parents do.

What kind of things do you have on the list?

Feed the pets
Set the table
Start dinner (only on evenings they’re home before me and I leave instructions)
Bring their own dirty laundry down
Empty dish washer
Wipe table & counters
Hoover downstairs
Mop downstairs
Wipe basin & loo
Take bins out

It’s alternated so they swap chores each day and I do the chores on two days. (As well as everything else! ) No chores on Sundays.

They also get asked to do other things as and when they need done and we all clean a room each plus our own bedrooms on Saturdays so the whole house is getting cleaned once a week.

I had this problem with my teenage stepson.. He has certain jobs that I asked of him. Take the recycling out and fold the washing and clean up after himself. He has pocket money weekly.. if any job got to the point I had to do it myself (overflowing) then he lost his pocket money. If he asks for something from us and the jobs aren't done it's a simple no.. one evening he came and asked for a lift to a party, I checked and neither job had been done so he wasn't able to get to his party and had to miss out. There were only 2 occasions we had to do this before he learned.. it seems harsh but I said to him if you can't help us then why should we help you.. we provide you a home, food, clothing and always will but lifts to party's aren't essential so if you can't do a little to help then you won't get the extras from us.
If he makes food and leaves a mess then he isn't allowed to use the kitchen; he has to eat what we eat when we eat it.
However you do it you need to stick to the boundaries and be consistent.. don't say something and not follow through and that's really hard when you have to sit back and deal with the moodiness from missing out and you do feel guilty but nagging and shouting just doesn't work.

I absolutely understand your frustration. I'm a working lone parent - have been for many years - and when the children were younger (teens now), I would, at times, collapse in bed on a Sunday night after a weekend totally on my own with them and cry with exhaustion.
Please don't feel bad at all. Tomorrow IS another day. Calmly explain to them that you expect things to be done when you ask them.

Please don’t feel bad. You weren’t terrible at all. It’s completely understandable that you acted the way you did. Your kids are taking the piss, and pushing boundaries every opportunity they get. You need to sit them down for a chat. Explain to them that they’re all members of the family, that you work full-time, and ask them whether they think it’s fair that you do everything at home too. Remind them that slavery was abolished a long time ago, yet they’re treating you like a slave. They need to learn a bit of empathy. Then draw up a chart, like a PP said. And be very firm with the rules. Remember boundaries always.

I lost my shit a few weeks ago when my eldest accused me of being lazy for not “helping” to put the shopping away. I explained (loudly) that I work full time to buy the shopping, I sit down with a pen and plan the meals and shopping list, I go to the shop and buy it all including snacks I know he likes, and I bring it all home by myself, his contribution to the shopping is carrying some of it from the front door to the kitchen and putting some of it away, while I’m usually folding a wash or getting the oven on and getting dinner started so I think it was a bit much to be calling me lazy when that’s all spelled out.

You're not terrible (at all)!

And I agree with the family meeting idea, but be prepared to listen and take on board what they're saying too.

I think you need to change your language. It's not about "chores" (something you dictate from above) it's about "pulling together as a family"

As well as noting what they DON'T do, I hope you notice, acknowlege and thank them for what they DO do. That's about building mutual respect.

Lots and lots and lots of threads on here are around a theme of "people in my family are behaving in ways I do not like. This makes me angry [and I don't like the way I become when I am angry]"
This theme is relevant whether it's teenage chores, a partner's hobby, a toddler nap, etc.

The common theme is that the OP hates the status quo and wants to change it. but everyone else in their personal scenario, the situation works fine (enough)for them. (Fine enough that they don't see they need to change).

So the trick is, to change your attitude to get what you want.

One answer could be that you do less. Another is that they pull together more (obviously, this is your chosen solution). So you need to find a way where they see this as the right solution too, but without you shouting or getting angry.

Because, actually, without having a pop at you; children doing chores at 11pm on a Sunday night isn't great parenting. So you need to create a situation where this dynamic changes.
YOU have to change the dynamic because they're not going to.

And I'd implement "punishments" (like taking away phones) as a very, very last resort. This is what I mean about changing the language. Stop talking about it like "them" and "you". Stop it being a pain for them. Make it a joy and a celebration of your time together. You guys are a team.

Once you've established that, things should be a lot easier.

But also, be prepared to check up on them and call them out (so that you don't discover clothes on your bed at 11pm!)

I agree that you need to reset the tone but first I'd be fkng furious too.

Don't feel bad. This is about respect.

If you don't lay down boundaries now, they will continue to walk all over you.

Good for you. Sometimes kids need a dressing down when they’re being lazy. I can’t believe the older two get away with not helping and walking off mid task, that’s shocking.
They’ll need jobs to do around the house. My dds make their own breakfasts and they’re 11 and 9. They make their packed lunches the day before and leave them in the fridge. They bring the laundry downstairs. If their laundry is dry they help fold it and put away. Bring in the shopping, occasionally put that away.
I’d definitely confiscate their devices. No pocket money until jobs are done.

I woke up with the same anger, and feel a bit detached from it and them this morning.

They have woken up grumpy this morning, of course. Youngest is crying because she has a school cardigan and not a jumper but also complaining that I was mean last night. I've told her I won't be dropping her to school unless she apologises. All quiet calmy though.

Oldest is up and I've told her to tidy the bathroom before we leave for school. It's a quick job, just towels and bathrobes lying around which need to be picked up.

Middle one went downstairs but we didn't speak. I avoided it as I just feel done. She emptied the dishwasher without being asked to.

It's not a great atmosphere at home but they know there was a reason I lost my shit at them last night.

Today will give us some breathing space and me a chance to calm down whilst they are at school and I'm working.

I think a chart is a great idea and I'll look at assigning chorea for this evening before they get any screen time.

Don't feel bad. We all lose our shit from time to time. I'm a single Mum and know how hard it can be to do everything. I did manage the shift this with my DD and it's helped for a more harmonious home & less exhausted Mummy!

They need to step up a bit to take some responsibility.

I don't give pocket money, help is expected. I had made a rod for my back and been doing everything (just to get it done) whilst driving myself into the ground with work. Mine is 11 and I've expected at least the following for a good few years now.

• tidy bedroom
• If you use it, put it away.
• if you make a mess, clean it up.
• do homework without me pestering
• bring down laundry
• fold plus put clean laundry away
• make own breakfast ( I added lunch during lockdown)
• Help with food / cleaning up / dishwasher
• Recycling (help with)
• Clean up vermin from cats (she added this one as she knows I can't stand it! & yes she wears gloves uses appropriate precautions)
• Wash own hair / bathe regularly / teeth / pick up clothes
• Make bed
• bring down cups / plates etc

If chores aren't done, then ipad was lost or other penalty. Took some huffing / puffing to get here but vast majority of time DD is now very helpful which has helped no end.

If she slacks I remind her jokingly ''Do I look like a maid'' and usually it's sufficient to get back on track. You can't expect perfection but to pull their weight yes.

She emptied the dishwasher without being asked to - hooray - she is getting the message.

The fact that there is a difficult atmosphere this morning indicates that they are not used to you losing your rag and how well you have done not to lose your shit with them before - it and it has made them think; and so it should.

💐

Hope you managed to get some rest, must be really tough to bring up 3 children, takes a strong woman to do it.

I think you need to sit them down and give them a reality check, it’s 4 of you in the house. It’s not fair for the older ones not to contribute and to give you attitude is not on. Take the phones away, be firm don’t put up with silly bollox.

My 6 year old knows he needs to help, I told him otherwise it’s me on my own and I have to work from home.

Thank you so much for your lovely messages, and for your support over last weeks meltdown. I thought I would post a quick update.

I did speak with my DDs the following evening, I intended to apologise for my behaviour, but actually decided not too, as I didn't want them to think I had been in the wrong, as it would give them a way out.

I explained why I did what I did, how I felt etc, and told them it was not good enough and they need to help out much much more around the house. They agreed that they had been lazy and understood why I did it.

We sat together and drew up a rota of chores for the week, with each of us getting an equal share of these. We picked our days according to whatever else we had going on, so they were quite involved in the process. Chores included cleaning living room, bathrooms, making dinner, emptying dishwasher, folding clothes.

It's been a week, and so far, so good. DDs have had allocated days for making dinner, and they make it in pairs. So they also need to discuss and decide ahead of time what they will be making, so I can make sure we have ingredients in. I do hover in the background, to guide them, but they are cooking on their days, even if its oven food, or pasta. They are also emptying the dishwasher (my least favourite job!), cleaning bathrooms etc on their allocated days.

I think the rota helps as its pinned to the fridge and is there in black and white, so they can't complain that they are doing more than their sisters are.

What has made the biggest difference has been that I went in super hard with their phones. I have an app so I can monitor their phone use - I banned their phones for the week, unlocking only between 2.30-3.30pm when they are on their way home from school. Time-sucking apps and games are banned completely for now, only WhatsApp and phone calls allowed in that hour.

They complained a lot about the phone restrictions for the first few days, I told them they are in place for a week and we will discuss again tomorrow, and they are not to whinge again or its be another week before I review. So tomorrow we will change it to 1h phone use per day, but not restricted time slots, they can use that hour whenever they want to - they like to message friends before school about last minute school things, so thats fine by me. They also need to be in bedrooms asleep/reading by 8pm, or its another 10 mins off their phone time.

I have also had words with myself - evenings are never a good time for me, so house stuff and nagging needs to happen earlier in the day and not later when I am always tired and at the end of my daily tether.

It's only been one week, but I have seen a change. Looking back I think this has been a slow slippery downhill slope and I am also to blame for not keeping on at them. Hoping this makes a long-term difference.

It helped SO much knowing that my behaviour was not unreasonable, so many, many thanks for your lovely messages, its so nice to get support and not feel alone in this. It's been a much better week.

Brilliant update OP
Particular kudos for the phones. That’s a hill many of us have died on.