Is this terrible of me to do?

[Finals1234]

Im a single mum to 3 dds. They are age 13, 11 and 8. I'm really struggling with them not doing enough around the house to help. Any time I ask them to eg put dishes away they will call their sisters to help and make it a big deal, or will do a few and then walk off. I work full time too.

Today middle one was in a strop and gets quite hangry so I did a big breakfast for us all. Took around and hour to cook and clean it all myself. Then did food shop alone which took 2h.xsme home and only 8 year old helped bring shopping in etc as the older two hid in rooms with 'homework'. Then I made dinner, made a cake needed for tomorrow. Called them to help prep dinner, they stay for 5 mins then disappear off to go to the toilet, get a jumper etc and don't come back. I call them for ages and they don't respond unless I shout.

Then I ironed all uniforms etc. Cleared dinner. We all watched TV together. Then bed time, they all left dessert pots in lounge. They were sent to bed at 9. Kept messing about and coming downstairs.

I came up at 10.45pm and they faked sleeping as I could hear them giggling earlier.

Then went to my bedroom. I had done two lots of clothes washes today and emptied them on my bed telling girls to sort them out into piles to go into their own rooms. They said they had done this. Except they hadn't even touched it. All the clothes still on my bed. I went nuts at them. Screamed at them and got them out of bed. I chucked clothes into the hallway and told them to sort them all out now. (it's 11pm). They weren't even asleep anyway. They have school tomorrow. I swore as well.

Just so pissed off. Don't even feel bad about it, just pissed off. They don't listen and they don't do anything to help despite me asking.

I will feel bad in the morning. But I don't know. They are still up sorting out the clothes.

I would not have been annoyed if the clothes were not done. But super pissed off that when I asked they said they had done them. So I wasn't expecting to see a room full of clothes to deal with. And they have been up and giggling till this time. So they could have done them now, or any point in the day and not at eleven obloody clock. Just totally fucked off with them and with this.

I don't think I'm asking too much of them? Older two are in high school so old enough.

Don't feel bad about it - they deserved it and have learned the lesson that you can push someone just so far and then they flip. Family meeting sometime tomorrow - some rules laid down and consequences set. Tell them about respect for others and kindness and sharing.

They're acting like much younger children so I suggest you start treating them like it. They tell you they've done something- you check. They disappear mid task- you go get them.

They know that they can get away with not helping so they're doing it. Time to get tough but in future do it at the time, not at stupid o clock after a day of feeling resentful

Yep - my daughter was asked to tidy her room today especially one little part....totally had her own agenda by doing 30 seconds of just moving stuff around and ignored the important bit. So when l went tonchecknand realised this, l stopped her watching tv and called her back upstairs to do it . Always borrows bits from my room and never returns them. Drives me mad. Every time l ask her to do something she does me off with yeah will do it in 5. Sometimes feels like she is taking the piss but actually need to remember she is only 8 and testing boundaries. They will want something from you before long OP - a lift somewhere for example - that is when l would put my foot down and say no not until you start doing things for me - works both ways. Feel for you xx

@Mischance

Don't feel bad about it - they deserved it and have learned the lesson that you can push someone just so far and then they flip. Family meeting sometime tomorrow - some rules laid down and consequences set. Tell them about respect for others and kindness and sharing.

I do this and I lay the rules and it juts doesn't seem to last. They will be stressed with lots of homework one evening and then that's it, they go hide away under the guise of working.

Other times they are really sweet and caring. But they are not pulling their weight at all.

I think they should be tidying their bedrooms, helping prep and tidy dinner every day, and should also help with bathroom cleaning at the weekend. They do their rooms but nothing more.

I know I need to follow them around and nag them more but it's so horrible to keep doing that. They get annoyed, and middle one cna be really disingenuous with the truth at times, twists what's being said etc. That reminds me a lot of their abusive dad and his tactics, it's not a good look for me.

Fobs me off that was meant to say. Totally agree with pp that said they need to learn they have pushed you too far and a family meeting is a great idea. Plus watch them next time- going to start doing that myself to make sure the job gets done!

The older two have phones and I can control their times on them. I think I'm going to ban phones after school. It's tricky as they do discuss homework on them (at least the oldest one does). It's the middle one I am most annoyed with as she lied and said she had done it. I'll take her phone off her tomorrow.

Uggh I get it.
Mine isn't as old as yours and I already feel like this sometimes

@Fishfingersandwichplease

Fobs me off that was meant to say. Totally agree with pp that said they need to learn they have pushed you too far and a family meeting is a great idea. Plus watch them next time- going to start doing that myself to make sure the job gets done!

I agree, I'll need to watch them. And I need to get them to stay in the kitchen to help prep dinner. I feel like such a miserable repetitive nag.

Youngest did feel bad and started crying when I was shouting but middle one just went quiet and looked at me with daggers. They have put all of the clothes away though. Didn't even take them that long in the end.

I think I'll also see if I can get them to do breakfasts on Sunday. They can't cook well at all apart from beans on toast, or baking cakes which they love.

I think they are old enough to do breakfast for us all without my input now.

The older two are old enough to cook I mean, not the 8yo.

Don't feel guilty they treated you badly.

Thank you for not thinking I'm terrible, it helps alot x

You’re not asking too much of them.

I had similar problems. So now we have a chart on the fridge. Every chore I expect them to do is divvied up equally between them. If they don’t do it they lose their phone until it’s done. If they half ass if they lose their phone until it’s done properly. They occasionally still need reminders but mostly they’re pretty good now at doing their chores and there’s no arguments about who should do what as it’s all laid out clearly on the chart.

I’m a single parent to three young children and I know how you must feel and how totally fed up you must have been at that point

You are not a bad Mum. Try and take their insouciance as a sign that they know how much they are loved and that they can push your buttons because of it. They are however all getting to an age when they need to learn to actively show you that they value all that you do and are for them. What you asked what not remotely unreasonable.

If anyone comes on here and tells you you are awful blah blah ignore it. If you were those things you wouldn’t have been sufficiently upset to write this thread

Tomorrow is another day

@Smallsteps88

You’re not asking too much of them.

I had similar problems. So now we have a chart on the fridge. Every chore I expect them to do is divvied up equally between them. If they don’t do it they lose their phone until it’s done. If they half ass if they lose their phone until it’s done properly. They occasionally still need reminders but mostly they’re pretty good now at doing their chores and there’s no arguments about who should do what as it’s all laid out clearly on the chart.

This sounds like a great idea. I feel like talking to them doesn't help, they look for wiggle room to get out of it or rope their sisters in and then blame them for a shoddy job.

A chart would be there in black and white, and taking their phones off them would definitely give them a kick up the bum.

Are they all like this? How do parents get these super kids who help around the house? Admittedly I don't know any but they must be out there.

They can get their own breakfast. Mine do at this age. They can help out or no tv/phones/consoles etc. They don’t get to eat in the front room if they leave stuff in there. They have set chores they have to do before any treats. Set youR expectations high and let them clearly know what you need from them. A sign them each their chores and boundaries. But you need to be on it and don’t let them get away with not helping out. It’s not acceptable as they are all part of the family. I’m sorry but i have to nag my kids constantly but they now know what is expected or there’s a consequence.

@shesgonebatshitagain

I’m a single parent to three young children and I know how you must feel and how totally fed up you must have been at that point

You are not a bad Mum. Try and take their insouciance as a sign that they know how much they are loved and that they can push your buttons because of it. They are however all getting to an age when they need to learn to actively show you that they value all that you do and are for them. What you asked what not remotely unreasonable.

If anyone comes on here and tells you you are awful blah blah ignore it. If you were those things you wouldn’t have been sufficiently upset to write this thread

Tomorrow is another day

Thank you, that's really sweet. It had been an ok day up to that point, it's always by the end of the day when I have had enough.

The stupid not going to bed and pissing about really annoys me esp as it means they will wake up tired for school.

Are they all like this? How do parents get these super kids who help around the house?

Well I don’t know about anyone else’s kids but I think lots of kids will try and avoid doing chores if they think they can get a way out of it. One of my DC is lazy and will try and get away with half assing a lot. I always have to check he has done it. The other is a people pleaser and doesn’t need reminded or checked on. He’ll go straight to the chart and check his list for the evening. It didn’t happen over night though. It took some trial and error before we worked out how best to get it all running smoothly.

@Tadpolesandfroglets

They can get their own breakfast. Mine do at this age. They can help out or no tv/phones/consoles etc. They don’t get to eat in the front room if they leave stuff in there. They have set chores they have to do before any treats. Set youR expectations high and let them clearly know what you need from them. A sign them each their chores and boundaries. But you need to be on it and don’t let them get away with not helping out. It’s not acceptable as they are all part of the family. I’m sorry but i have to nag my kids constantly but they now know what is expected or there’s a consequence.

Mine get their own breakfast too usually but weekends we usually have something cooked and eat together.

I have definitely not been clear enough with boundaries and I think the phone time is a big part of that as I don't take it off them often enough. No reason for this either, I just hadn't thought this through properly.

This is really helping. I think phones will switch off at 5.30pm and whoever helps prep dinner gets an extra hour after dinner. They could actually make a dinner themselves at this age. Even if it's just pasta with tomato sauce.

@Smallsteps88

Are they all like this? How do parents get these super kids who help around the house?

Well I don’t know about anyone else’s kids but I think lots of kids will try and avoid doing chores if they think they can get a way out of it. One of my DC is lazy and will try and get away with half assing a lot. I always have to check he has done it. The other is a people pleaser and doesn’t need reminded or checked on. He’ll go straight to the chart and check his list for the evening. It didn’t happen over night though. It took some trial and error before we worked out how best to get it all running smoothly.

What kind of things do you have on the list?

I don't blame you one bit .

I lost my shit yesterday about how this family is basically like a rowing race, except I'm the only person rowing while the dc's loll around and they wonder why we never win. I was quite ranty.

Sometimes it’s good to sit down as a family and explain what you would like to happen then ask them how they think they can help achieve that. Give them a say in what the rewards are or (to a certain point) how chores are set out and who gets to do what. A total can be helpful and ticking off what is done (when done properly) might well deserve extra time but I would be cautious in giving out too much. In my experience too much screen time can exacerbate bad behaviour and I try and get my kids to do their homework/music practice in as soon as home or not long after. I know it’s hard and exhausting, especially if you are a single parent.