Ex wanting to change DS's name

[KenBarlow]

I was pregnant at 18 and my boyfriend at the time although we stayed "together" stopped making an effort and didn't treat me very well.

I suspected cheating (can't remember why) and he wanted DS to have his surname. I said I wanted him to have mine, and if we were to get married in future we would both change our names.

I gave DS a family name from his side and also his name as his middle name so he has links to his dad in his name.
I wanted him to have my name as I knew he'd live with me and be raised by my family (his family aren't very involved)

I just don't feel like I want to change his name at all, he is 8 now! Ex has said he doesn't mind if we don't actually use his name when added it'd just be there for him.

It seems a bit pointless to me?

On one hand I think it's nice he cares and on the other it seems a waste of time

He's an ok dad (would be classed as a horrible mum but that's a whole other thread about the expectations of dads vs mums) and does care about DS and is responsible etc. But there have been 2 spells where he just dropped DS once for 4 weeks and once for 6. Fortunately DS wasn't old enough to really realise as he was 3-4 years old

I just feel like this is a waste of time and I don't understand why at 8 years old he now wants to do it.

AIBU? Am I being harsh and selfish?

No way. You're raising him and with his absent spells he doesn't deserve it. Also your child is now 8. Too late to mess around with his name

Tell your ex when your child is an adult they can decide then

No...

It's his name; it's his identity - he's eight years old he's not a baby!

If he were that serious he should have pushed the subject at the time.

I don't suppose he's even consulted DS about what he thinks?

If he wants his Dad's surname he can add it but he's not a pawn for his Dad to decide what he wants to do.

Er, wtf would you do this?

Imagine there was actual equality. As per your point above re who does most for him, he should have your name. You bore him, you are the primary carer, you don't ditch him when you feel like it.

Tell him you'll go the traditional route when he does i.e. when he commits to providing financially completely for both of you for the rest of your days! (i.e., never).

I should add he asked if I'd consider double barrelling not chance it to his altogether, but I still don't feel good about it.

He said it's ok if he doesn't use it to day to day it's just there for him, it seems a bit daft?!

erm no?!

why would you change an 8 year olds name to suit your ex?

no is the answer - if your son is 16/18 and decides to change it - fine. BUT 8?no

Is he likely to take you to court for it?

Is say no, but, if he gets to the point of taking it to court, offer to add it as a middle name. Not surname, not double barrelled.

My other concern is with he and his family are from the UK or not....

@Hazelnutlatteplease yep they're from the UK and thankfully he wouldn't take me to court over it. I know it'll hurt him for me to say no, but it just seems daft. Especially as I used his first name as his middle name and his first name is a link to his family also.

No fucking way. Your son already has a name and his dad sounds a bit lacking e.g. the AWOL phases. Where is this really coming from? Is mum / girlfriend / friend in his ear about it?

@EL8888 he does have a new girlfriend so it's possible he's mentioned it in conversation and she's said he should question me about it. She has a son herself and he probably has his dads surname and that might be why it's come up in conversation actually! I didn't think of that!

@KenBarlow hmm quite possibly. I did wonder why now? When your soon has had his current name for years and uses it e.g. school

Definitely not.

Your DS already has two names linking him to his dad.

There's no reason to add another to be 'just for him'.

Why are you even giving this a second thought. Absolutely no way.

My eldest has my maiden name, her dads always been ok with it, we wernt together when she was born although he is a good dad to be fair. She's 11 now. If he did say to me he wanted it changed, I'd let my daughter decide now. At 8 I'm not sure, depends how mature that 8 year old is as to wether you would want them to decide. Saying that, I do agree with you I don't see the point really, maybe compromise and say when your child turns 10, you will let them decide? Just an idea. I've been married, divorced ect and I've always had different surnames to my kids at different times, it's never made a difference to me or them.

Congratulations on giving your child your name. The traditional thing is for a child to have its mother's name. In the past most women were married and took their husband's name which is why children had their father's name.
There are lots of threads on here where a woman regrets not giving her child her name but once it's on the birth certificate it can't be changed without the other parent's consent. Even where the dad is no contact they never seem to give permission.

To be honest if the boot was on the other foot every one would be saying yes do it. I would ask your son what e thinks he may want to have Dads name. I def get why he want son to have his name.

Unless he can give a really valid reason then nope.
It will just make life more difficult for you

Rainbowqueen not if it was double barelled.

He’s already got two of his dad’s names, no reason why his surname should also be from his dad’s side.

Double barrelled names are a PITA. My DCs have DB names as XH and I used both when we married. Now teenagers, they have all chosen to use just one of them (one uses dad’s, the others use mine).

Tell your ex that your son has a name and identity of his own, it’s not up to you or him to start changing it. If your DS wants to change it at any point, I’m sure he’ll let you both know.