Moving house - advice needed please x

[Laura7889]

Hi all,

Just a general question to get an idea of what others think, as I’m starting to overthink things and everything is 🤯 now.

I’m a single mum with a 6 year old child. I’ve been single since 2015 when I split with my son’s dad and moved back into my parents’ home.

I bought a flat in 2018 around 10 miles from my mum and dad (20min drive) and lived there for 18 months before deciding that I missed being closer to them. I was working full time in a secondary school as a head of year so me and my little one would be out of the house from 7am-5pm ish. My mental health wasn’t great and I was really struggling with the loneliness and isolation of not seeing anyone apart from work colleagues from Monday to Friday.

After speaking to a therapist friend of mine last November I decided to sell my flat (sold in the weekend it was listed for sale) and completed on 13th March this year. I moved back in with my parents just before Christmas last year and have been here ever since.

The plan was to look for somewhere else to buy close by to them so that I could pop over twice in the week after little one finishes school. However because of the situation at the moment, looking for somewhere was pushed back and I’ve only recently started looking again.

However, I’ve been having therapy for the last 6 months (and making good progress!) so my mental health is a lot better, I now work from home full time in education for a fostering charity and am able to do the school drop off and pick up which is priceless...I’ve never been able to do it because of my previous jobs as little one has always been in breakfast and after school clubs Mon-Fri.

The thing is now I’m wondering whether I would be ok moving to a town 8 miles away, but a 25min drive. I’ve seen a property that is 5mins drive

Property 1
Pros
-5min drive / 15min walk from parents house
-Brand new
-Private terrace x2
-Access to huge internal communal gardens from lounge
-Large rooms

Cons
-It’s a flat
-Shared ownership (my previous flat was SO also, and was trying to not go down this route again)
-Housing association has a very poor reputation (1.4/5 trustpilot reviews)
-Still a 20min drive to son’s school
-Not in a great area (it’s ok, but wouldn’t be my first or second choice area - probably not even my third)

Property 2
Pros
-4.5 miles from son’s school
-Still relatively new
-A house with private garden
-Good area
-Enough space to put work desk etc. in nook in the living room

Cons
-25min drive to parents (potentially feeling isolated again)
-Shared ownership

I’m worried about the feeling of being isolated, but am also aware that because I WFH full time I would be able to go to my parents house straight after picking little one up, see them for a bit/have dinner and then go back to wherever I’m living, but it’s just hard knowing what the right choice is.

P.s. Sorry for the long essay ^^! x

I would wait a bit longer. There's no rush....neither seems to be quite right does it?

House every time. With the flat does the shared garden layout mean that people could choose to play, socialize etc directly outside your lounge?

I would go for the house. As you say you can pick child up from school and drive over to parents 2 or 3 times each week. Working from home is great in that you can drop off and collect child every day but you also see less people as only virtual colleagues. Have you kept in touch with any colleagues from former job do you can make Friends? Can parents babysit one evening a week so you can get out and meet others? You could ask child if he wanted to ask a friend back to play after school and get friendly with child's parents. Sounds like you are doing really well and moving forward. Well done. It takes time after s break up to get yourself back together again.

Thank you all for replying; it’s really helpful getting your views on the situation.

@FortunesFave I’m torn in that I feel like I could be waiting ages for somewhere that is perfect when I’ve been looking for nearly a year, but also don’t want to make the mistake of rushing in and regretting it.

@Hathertonhariden Yes...so there’s a private terrace outside with a 3ft wall and gate and then the communal gardens. I would prefer a house as I could see myself staying there long term, whereas the flat would only be a stopgap.

@caringcarer Yes, I’m still in contact with colleagues from my 2 previous jobs and met up with 1 around a month ago and another 2 a few weeks after that...also meeting up with another ex colleague next week which will be nice. I will also be a 10min drive from my closest friend who I meet up with fortnightly with our little ones.

I can't help you with spefics (I am married, not sure if relevant for what I was to say or not though) but I have moved around a lot and what it has taken me ages to work out , speaking for myself only, is as my son is older we don't use outside space as much, no matter how nice a place is if it is too far from shops/school/work/practical things it won't work for me.

We live in a 2 bed flat with 1 13yo child small but around the corner from work, We don't have a car (DH drives though, I don't) so we live around the corner from the shopping centre. We also used to live opposite our sons school but now he is a bus ride away but can walk if he has too as ony about 1/4 mile a way.

The bigger the place we live at (renting mostly) the more can go wrong

Having a big yard was great but a pain to maintain

so what I am getting at is work out how you live and go with that, if driving to your parents is a pain then that may get old very quickly.

So to me practical beats the place we live in (sorry this may not apply to you what I wrote but I was using as example of live where it works for you)

I’m completely opposite of the last poster.

House all the way. A garden of your own is an absolute big thing, especially with children. While to some may be a pain to maintain, to others a joy to spend time in and if your‘re so inclined, plant some flowers or veg. Maybe even together with your child (particularly the veg). Many people get a lot of enjoyment from their own garden

If this particular house isn’t doing it for you, keep looking

Totally avoid the shared ownership. Firstly It’s not the right location for you. Not even your 3rd choice location. Secondly, you’ve said you didn’t want shared ownership again. It’s not right fit

If your parents are ok with you staying a bit longer, keep looking.

I do have to ask, will your parents come to visit in your new place? You keep mentioning going to them, but nothing about their coming to you. Could they occasionally pop in to you for lunch during the day if you’re WFH? Would this help you feel less isolated? What about them coming over for dinner?

Another helpful thing to do is to have a few okay dates for your son, maybe invite a mum over or ask to stay for a cup of tea when they’re collecting their child at end of play date. It’s a bit more interaction and could lead to friendships.

Sorry op I only just realised this was in lone parents I posted before because of the title so please ignore my post if of no help

@seayork2020 That’s helpful to know. The driving would have been a pain whilst living in my old place because I wouldn’t pick little one up until 5pm at the earliest and then would have to drive to their house which would be another 20mins, then I’d probably have to leave at 7.30ish at the latest to get back home and put son to bed. But now I wfh I could pick little one up at 3pm, get to parents house for 3.20 and then leave at 7.30 after dinner.

@AdoreTheBeach Thanks for this...well my parents both still work and are in their mid 50s so wouldn’t be able to pop over during the day. But them coming over for dinner is definitely a possibility, as they used to come over to my old place for dinner at the weekends. My son also does some activities after school 2x a week and now that I have the flexibility he could have friends over straight after school. My worry with continuing to look is that I’ve been looking for nearly a year, but at what point do I just have to bite the bullet and make a decision?

Please keep in mind that whole house have been looking for a year that many people have not yet gone on the market because of uncertainty due to carona. It’s not the normal world still. Your two key wants are realistic. Location and not shared ownership.

Would living locally and doing school runs give you more networks and friendships with other parents? Play dates, the chance to support PTA activities etc? Relying solely on your parents for not feeling isolated could be a bit of a trap.

The second property sounds much better.

house. 100%

flats and shared gardens are a gold mine for creating issues, such as people smoking in "your" part of the garden etc

25 mins isnt long!

I agree that a shared garden is potentially troublesome. There's always someone who takes the piss or someone who over-polices others.

If you're still working full time though wouldn't you have to carry on working at your parents' between 3and 5?

I agree you should keep looking. Presumably the shared ownership is an affordability thing? It's not as simple as just not doing it?

@OhamIreally As long as my hours are done I can work anytime between 7-7 (emails aren’t allowed to be sent outside of these hours) so I usually do 6-7.30 before school run, 9.15-2.45 and then mop up any emails in the evening.
Yep - the SO is an affordability thing so really limits my options.

@carly2803 @FortunesFave Thanks...I think the general consensus here is definitely a no to a shared garden!

@AltoCation Yes, I think it would give me more networks and friendships with other parents. Already I’ve noticed how doing the school run has allowed me to interact more with parents of the children in my son’s class.
And I 100% agree with your comment re relying on my parents...I had never actually realised I was doing that! I suppose my parents’ house is where I’ve always come back to to find comfort and build myself back again, almost like my “safe house”. But it’s probably preventing me from being independent and having my own life.

My school gate network has become the basis of long lasting friends. You can support your child’s friendships too, if you live close and see the mums on a daily basis: an after school trip to them park, easy to invite a child to tea etc.

Your parents would still be close, really.