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Original poster

What do you do if your ex moves a long way away?

21 replies

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/09/2020 12:44

Thinking 100 miles+. How often does he have the DC, how do you arrange transport, what happens when the kids are older and want to spend their free time with their friends etc. How does it work logistically? Asking as exH has moved 200 miles away.

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pinkyboots1 · 29/09/2020 13:01

I have the opposite problem... he won't move far enough! But I'd say that realistically THEY need to be trying to come up with plans/ideas if it's them who's moved away. Look at travel times , age of children and how much effort you're both prepared to go to that is sustainable. As mine got older they wanted less and less contact due to their outside friends becoming more important to them but I kept a rule of at least one 24 hour stay per week (Saturday through to Sunday) although as I say he lives close by

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/09/2020 13:10

Haha yes I get that too. He's gone far enough to make it a PITA but not to Australia or somewhere similarly far to make it holidays only.

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Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/09/2020 20:08

Bumping for the evening crowd.

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Keepyourconversationsboring · 29/09/2020 20:19

I don't have any advice for you unfortunately. But if you use Facebook you could post in The Wicked Step Mum group. Some of the stuff posted in there isn't very pleasant, but some is genuinely helpful. If you submit an anonymous post you should get some good pointers as I've seen similar things relating to your post before 😊

Phillipa12 · 29/09/2020 20:26

I moved 175 miles back to my home town. My dc see their dad eow week, fri pm to sun pm and we meet half way, he also has them for a few extra days in the holidays. They have been doing this journey for 4 years now, the eldest is 12 and the youngest is 5.

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/09/2020 20:30

I had a quick look at the FB group bit it's for step parents. The DC are mine - it's their dad who has moved away.

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RandomMess · 29/09/2020 20:34

You are sort of stuck with school holidays and perhaps one weekend in between...

Up to him to arrange transport as non resident parent...

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/09/2020 20:37

Yes that's pretty much what I thought. In good traffic it's a 4 hour drive. That's a long way for the DC.

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RandomMess · 29/09/2020 21:15

We moved 4 hours away, it really is going to be school hols and perhaps a weekend if there is an inset day..

The motorways are usually pretty hideous Friday and Sunday nights!

Does his extended family live near you? Perhaps he can come up sometimes and stay there.

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/09/2020 21:24

His family are scattered all over but none near him or me as far as I know. He's currently having the DC EoW and is finding the driving too much. I don't know how it's going to look as time passes, especially as the DC get older and don't want to spend so much time with us parents.

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RandomMess · 29/09/2020 21:30

I would suggest dropping it to every 3rd weekend. Then it's usually longer in the school holidays with a weekend in between.

As the DC get older they will probably be happy with phone /FaceTime contact so long as he puts the effort in for little but frequent chats.

bubblebubblebubbletrouble · 29/09/2020 21:35

My ex moved 120 miles away back to his home city.
He comes every other Saturday to spend day with the kids (8-5) takes them to their clubs and the park, town for lunch etc.
Then we split half-term & school holidays. I don't do any of the travelling. He chose to move away. He doesn't realise I don't think that he could deduct travel costs from maintenance- I choose not to spoon feed him too much anymore!

afromom · 29/09/2020 21:43

DPs EXW moved 160 miles away from us for a year. She refused to drive her back to us, regardless it was her who moved away, so DP had to do all the driving. We had her for all half terms, half Xmas and Easter and 2 lots of 10 days over the summer. They lived in a holiday place by the sea so we decided it was nice for her to have sometime at mums over the summer break to enjoy the beach. DP collected her, brought her back to us and returned her again afterwards.
He then went one weekend in between around the three week mark and stayed with her in an Airbnb.
It was very tiring and expensive for him, but the decisions were made based on what was best for DSD.
Luckily now they've moved back and are only 30 miles away, so we now have her EOW and around 70% of holidays.

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 30/09/2020 07:54

@afromom that sounds awful!

I'd be happier if he stayed down here for the weekend - Premier Inns abound and £29 for a room can't be more expensive than 400 miles of petrol in an old 4x4. I can't dictate what he does with the DC in his time with them though.

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afromom · 30/09/2020 08:31

It was to be honest, DP was broken by the end of the year. Staying in a premier inn would be far better for the children,

RandomMess · 30/09/2020 08:47

You just stand firm on refusing to travel.

"You chose to move away. I am happy to facilitate contact by making the DC available and be flexible such as agreed to every third weekend and more time over the school holidays. Or you having them Sat & Sun and you stay in the local Premier Inn with them, this would also mean they can do their activities"

Keep everything in writing and show how reasonable you are being. You assisted with travel during lockdown due to exceptional circumstances but as you are doing the lion share of child rearing and expense you have neither the time nor money and it isn't your fault he didn't factor in seeing the DC when he moved away.

I hope he moved for a bloody good reason!!!

crunchiebabe · 30/09/2020 08:49

Have a party💃🏽
My children don't wish to see him

NandosPeriometer · 30/09/2020 15:57

I think it's up to him to suggest how he sees things panning out.

My kids were school age when we split and initially ex moved 4 hours away. At first the kids were seeing him at the weekend but they were getting car sick and starting to make excuses to not see him. Now he lives about 45 minutes away which is far better for the kids.
They are now teenagers who have part-time jobs, parties and so on but 45 mins is a distance where you can drive over to hang out for a couple of hours
If ex had stayed 4 hours away I'd be suggesting one weekend every 3-4 weeks, half term and school holidays but my ex couldn't do longer stretches so our routine works for us. He doesn't go to school events or know his children's friends but he seems fine with this

NandosPeriometer · 30/09/2020 16:04

I had to gently bring up the 8 hours a weekend travelling when I saw what months of it was doing to them. I brought it up in a "it's tough having travelling sickness so often " way rather than "you're selfish not to factor them in your decision to move so far away l" and he came to the conclusion that there were locations where the commute to work could be the same and the travel for the kids could be drastically cut. Had he not done this then I think he'd be seeing them very infrequently.l especially as one of them has a part-time job 9-6 every Saturday

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/09/2020 22:35

if he is sturggling,,, say what do you suggest...

It isn't for you to find solutions.. He made the decsion to move away from his children.

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 01/10/2020 10:33

Grin crunchiebabe

Thanks for all the insights and suggestions. Plenty for me to think about.

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