First time single mama! Help....

12 replies

Babymama2020 · 26/09/2020 20:22

Hello....
So I’m a FTM, and my little boy is 15 weeks.
My ex left when he was just 7 weeks old saying that he couldn’t handle it anymore. I was diagnosed with PND and wasn’t the best to be around, but he couldn’t understand why I was that way so just walked away!
Our house was pretty much ready, we had our mortgage accepted etc, but he called and cancelled it all on the day he left!
So I’m living with my parents in a bungalow with our baby 🤦🏻‍♀️ Not much room! And he has gone to live with his mum.
Anyways........... I told my ex that we needed to discuss regular contact for baby to ensure there is a routine and we both know what is happening on what days for ourselves too. We agreed he would have baby every other weekend for the night, then the weekend between have him a Saturday or a Sunday for the day .... his words were “I still need to be able to do things on a weekend”
He has had baby 2 nights so far since splitting, and each time called to say he is upset etc- (baby was over tired and adjusting to the environment-he soon settled)
As I collected him Sunday, the ex informed me that he is unable to have baby every other weekend now because there are other grandchildren to stay over at his mums house so it’s just one grand child a weekend!!
I was really taken back by this as our baby goes there to see his dad and be cared for by his dad!
I didn’t agree but I couldn’t force him to have him. He saw him the other day and baby cried for an hour solid, I went to collect him and as soon as I got there he stopped instantly! How do I explain that him settling won’t get any better with him having him less?! Am I being unreasonable by feeling angry that he will have him over night once a month?!
Sorry for the rant...... 🤦🏻‍♀️ And thank you for reading.

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 26/09/2020 20:26

That’s very difficult for you. But to be honest I think 15 weeks is very young to be doing overnights away from you especially at such long intervals
Could your ex come to you maybe and care for the baby there? Or would that be out of the question ?

Littered5 · 26/09/2020 20:27

Your not being unreasonable OP. Your ex sounds pathetic and it’s just excuses. Does he pay regularly for his child?.
The baby is still quite young so maybe he can take his child for the day rather than overnight if it’s too much for him?

nimbuscloud · 26/09/2020 20:29

That’s a good point about financial support too. Please try to make sure he pays.

anorangeaday · 26/09/2020 20:30

I think he may be a bit too young to do overnight stays, maybe daytime visits would be good for w while until he’s a bit older. Does he pay maintenance?

Original poster

Babymama2020 · 26/09/2020 20:40

He doesn’t pay me anything no. He buys him some milk now n then, or gets him an outfit.
I didn’t want baby to stay over night originally but I thought that if he starts from an earlier age would maybe become used to it as it’s going to be the new normal, and I was finding it hard that I was doing the sleepless nights and he was just sleeping! 🤦🏻‍♀️ little one is sleeping through most nights now, so I don’t mind him not staying over. Was more thinking for babies sake .... he does settle for his dad it’s just hard as he isn’t around all of the time to see what he likes/dislikes. Also, I’m worried baby is becoming a big mummy’s boy.... I mean I love it 🥰 but for his sake won’t be good in the long run. So do you think just have him for days for now....? This would just be one Saturday or Sunday each week. I feel like this isn’t enough for him to get his bond back

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 26/09/2020 20:42

I think days would be good for the moment. And please don’t think that your baby being a mummy’s boy is a bad thing - he needs to form a secure and safe attachment to you.

nimbuscloud · 26/09/2020 20:43

I also think that you need to talk to his father about regular maintenance.
Is he working?

Original poster

Babymama2020 · 26/09/2020 20:48

Currently he isn’t working, has done all his life until we split! Not sure if he is going through something himself as this isn’t like him.. he is just doing odd jobs here n there but not in regular employment at the minute. He has him tomorrow, but I’m so nervous that baby is going to be unsettled whilst there. I’ve suggested he comes to mine through the week to see him here in his home and spend some time with him here but I aren’t sure we can get along that well at the minute 🤦🏻‍♀️ Which I sad. I’m hurting still from him leaving us, but trying to do best for baby

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 26/09/2020 20:51

I think him coming to yours is a good idea - for a while anyway
If you can co-parent amicably that would be best for your little boy

Original poster

Babymama2020 · 26/09/2020 20:58

I am trying, but I’m also hurting. And with living at my parents still too it’s awkward more than anything when he is here. But I know we have to make it work somehow for babies sake.

OP posts:

timetest · 27/09/2020 10:29

I really wouldn’t worry about baby becoming a mummy’s boy at 15 weeks. You are the main thing he needs right now. If your ex can see your baby with you that might be best for now, though I realise this might be upsetting for you. I know your ex isn’t working regularly at the moment but I would still put in a CMS claim as soon as possible.

Terrysnotyours · 28/09/2020 21:00

I would advise going through CMS even now. Start as you mean to go on OP. Then once your ex gets a job they will adjust the payments accordingly to your ex’s earnings.

Can your ex help out more during the day if he isn’t working?

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