Christmas and birthdays

[november90]

Just looking for suggestions for Xmas and birthday arrangements.
Ex walked out in jan, we have 2 sons one who is 3 and the other is 19 weeks.he walked out when I was pregnant and wasn't there for the birth.
Ex has been emotionally and finically abusive, Doesn't pay the correct cm and now he's accepted a new job contact is abit all over the place depending on his shifts. He currently has ds 1 2 nights a week.
I suggested that kids stay at home Xmas eve and Xmas day and he collects the late afternoon Xmas day and full day Boxing Day. He was alternate years and I'm not not agreeing to it. He works alternate Christmas and we live local to each other.

I’m so sorry you’ve had a tough time.

In my opinion if he’s inconsistent with contact at the moment down to his new job then you get to decide what works so you can enjoy Christmas with your children. They’re also both very young so don’t fully understand. I would also tell him he had to provide for his children, it’s not all just about Christmas and birthdays- they need to have a steady standard of living and you don’t deserve to not know where you are because he’s abusive.

Alternate years maybe something to do once they’re older, but as they’re both so young I think it’s nice you both get to enjoy them on Christmas Day. When they’re older they’ll probably appreciate having two Christmas day’s

We have dsd Xmas eve to Xmas night one year then Xmas night to boxing night the next.

Half the day on birthdays.

His ex didn't want any Xmas contact but court over ruled.

I came on to ask almost the exact same thing.

Split with ex about a year ago due to his multiple affairs, he uses our child as a weapon because hes bitter I've actually left. He decided he didnt want to see our child (who is now 2) last Christmas and is now demanding we alternate Christmases so I dont see my 2 year old this year.

To paint the picture - My ex is a classic narcissist and VERY difficult to deal with, emotionally abusive, twice physically (although never reported to the police so no real record of this) and was also financially abusive to an extent.

It breaks my heart that I wont see my child on Christmas day and I feel my ex is being difficult and flat out refusing my suggestion of sharing the day by splitting in half just to be spiteful. Ex only sees our child every other weekend so I dont feel I'm being unfair by suggesting this arrangement. He claims that every split family he speaks to has said they alternate years but, as far as I'm aware, he doesnt know any or many split families because I know almost his entire friendship circle (of which it is very small now people know what he did) & I've heard the opposite from those I've asked IRL.

I do have a solicitor, but they are costing me a fortune, so I wanted to gauge your thoughts on this and me digging my heels in. He is the type to take this to court because he can technically afford it whereas I have to rely on my parents to pay all my legal fees. Would a court rule that I have to forfeit seeing my son on Christmas day every other year do you think?

I hate this so much. Why can’t the courts see what is in the best interest of the child? These “alternate years” agreements when the ex doesn’t ever see his children that much over the year is incredibly annoying. Different when there is a 2/3 overnights or a shared care agreement in place- but why, like in the OP situation where the guy was abusive and missed the birth etc now he wants Christmas Day? When the mum does the donkey work all bloody year round!!

@LetsPlayAGame20 I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you spoke to women's aid? They told me that if there been domestic abuse... physical or emotional you should be entitled to legal aid. I think you need to document it with the doctor/woman's aid to be entitled to it.
I completely agree though. I think sharing the day is fair enough on all counts. If I was a child I would've been devastated to not see my mum on Christmas Day. A separated family shouldn't mean that you can't share these occasions. I'm finding out my ex's family are getting more and more involved in childcare on his days which makes my blood boil. Of course they're entitled to and if that's how ex wish's to spend his time then that's fine... but he uses his quantity of time just to argue these things when he isn't even spending this much time with ds1!!!

@november90
As hard as it feels, you need to push aside your history and the maintenance issues.
Yabu to basically only want to give him the dregs of Christmas every year.
If you want Christmas eve, then the swap needs to be lunch time Christmas day.
It's in the children's best interests to spend quality time with both parents.
The fact he only gets alternate Christmases would increase likelihood of him getting awarded this in court and you would most likely be ordered to work around his shift pattern, with changing patterns for contact.
I understand that this has been a shit year. But really you need to start Christmas traditions of your own and his own with the children separately.
What has he requested?

@SoloMummy thanks the the reply!
I really don't want it to come across that way. This so someone who has always told me that the specific days don't matter, hence why working Christmas Day has never been an issue. He is point blank doing this and using it as a weapon against me, just like he has done with finances. He's an emotional abuser and an opportunity to get at me he will. There's no need for the boys to not see either parent on Xmas day. I'm not agreeing to alternate years just because that's what his sisters do! They can be consistent with me and still see their dad. I don't see why he gets to take so much away from them just to get at me'

[quote november90]@SoloMummy thanks the the reply!
I really don't want it to come across that way. This so someone who has always told me that the specific days don't matter, hence why working Christmas Day has never been an issue. He is point blank doing this and using it as a weapon against me, just like he has done with finances. He's an emotional abuser and an opportunity to get at me he will. There's no need for the boys to not see either parent on Xmas day. I'm not agreeing to alternate years just because that's what his sisters do! They can be consistent with me and still see their dad. I don't see why he gets to take so much away from them just to get at me'[/quote]
I feel for you, I really do.
But the children have the right to spend special days with Both parents.
Though you see this as him getting at you again, which it could be driven by. It has to be acknowledged that regardless this is a situation that if it went to court he'd be awarded. So imo it's preferable to try and negotiate a compromise to get a result that's half palatable.
My suggestion is you put forward a suggestion that until youngest is say 3,that you'll alternate Christmas eve to Christmas day lunch one year and Christmas lunch and Boxing day the next. Reviewing when lo is 3.
That gives breathing space.
Possibly by the earlier swap may sway him.

If he goes to court something similar may result. Equally due to him being a shift worker, they may award Christmas alternate years and new year the same. The courts are more amenable to shift workers than before.

The cms, have you gone via the formal cms? If not do as this alone sends the message that he cannot control you financially.

What are your normal contact arrangements? Does baby stay overnight?

Well basically he under pays me CMS. He's accepted a new job with a big pay rise.... and he's now under paying me over £100 a month. He said if I want more money he'll take the boys. I showed him the GVT calculator and he then started demanding 3 nights and I've realised that's because if he does he's not required to pay me anymore. He's threatened to take my eldest away from me permanently because I asked to have my maiden name as a second middle name, he threatened to take the baby off me when he was born. Honestly the threats have been none stop. I've spoke to women's aid and they said he's a typical abuser and he threatens me with the boys and money because that's the only way he can control me. Christmas is another thing. I can manage finically, but it does upset me that the boys could and should be having more. I've accepted the money because otherwise he'll take me to court and he'll get more time with them. I don't want him to be awarded more time just so his parents can watch them and they spend more time under his influence.
He's only just started to show an interest in our youngest. He refused to be there when he was born, refused to pay for any baby bits and said to me... if I can't afford any baby bits then he will take him full time and he'll live at his house!
He's absolutely vile!!
I know there needs to be a compromise as our eldest loves his dad and I don't want to take that away from him. But I draw the line at full day alternate years!

How about having a second Christmas? Most kids would love that. Then you can just say ok alternate Christmas to your ex and he won't see how upset you are. I'd consider if he had Christmas Eve and day then doing a second Christmas Eve on Boxing Day and 27th. He's not need to be told so he can't ruin it for you.

Go and lodge a case with the cms directly.
You can't stop him going to court at any time in the next 18 years nor from making repeated returns. So in many ways I'd let any threats roll off you. If does, then that may be for your best as means he can't argue or change arrangements!
You still need to find a compromise re Christmas. If you don't, this will be an incredibly long and stressful 18 years.
Him being awful to you and the relationship you had needs to be put aside. Sharing Christmas is appropriate. And so I would try and look like the reasonable one. Making compromising offers in email only. So you have a paper trail for if the court threats transpires....

My exh lives a couple of hours away. We do alternate Xmases (splitting the Xmas/new year holiday in half) I hate the "away" years and people are always saying that it's not fair when he only sees dc once a month. The big decider for me though was seeing a friend and her dc going nc when the dc's got to 18 and one of the major reasons was that she'd never let them have a xmas day with their father.

We treat new year as our Xmas on away years. It's not the same but dc prefer it to just being given all their presents the minute they arrive at his house which is what happens with xdh when it's not his Xmas.

The kids will learn to feel anxious because of underlying anxiety between parents at Christmas if he gets his way so do everything you can to teach your babies resilience and that they can depend on you to provide a wonderful fun Christmas, no matter what confusing or annoying shit their father dishes out.

You are doing great as a young Mum , keep contacting Women’s Aid for advice when he causes conflict. Such a game playing arsehole he sounds. it is so hard that he is distancing himself from the family, refuses cm then demands more time.

So difficult for your tiny little boys to see/feel the parent conflict, but great you are getting good advice and dealing with it firmly but fairly.

 I feel bad for you that he is making it so hard for you and causing such stress for you. 

It is really annoying that their father is such an arsehole about demanding more time just to save money, when in the past he has been happy to leave most of the parenting up to you, and additionally is cheating his own children out of child maintenance payments.

In the end you can’t change him but you can focus on changing what your kids see of you in reaction to his BS.

I think your kids would love to feel that you are happy for them to celebrate the festivities twice, as @Lockdownwaistline suggests , and while you can’t change their Father you can change how you react to him and you can change how much it impacts them.

The kids will love going through the rituals before they go to Dads for Christmas, too, so you can enjoy focusing on the Christmas lead- up rituals too, such as leaving out oatmeal and carrots for reindeers, putting on a few favourite Christmas songs and teaching the kids to sing and dance while wrapping a present for their family. You can enjoy age appropriate games , craft, etc in the lead up to Christmas just the same and then hopefully they will love sharing festive celebrations with you, no matter what day you share it on each year.

My ex wanted alternate years until I pointed out he wouldn't be able to go to the pub on Xmas Eve and would be woken up very early on Xmas morning, plus he would have to do all the buying\wrapping of presents, organising stockings etc. And he wouldn't be able to drink as he would have to drive.

Now he collects DS every Boxing day morning

As PP have said take away his power to control you, claim through CMS, let him take you to court then build your own traditions around your time with them. When it falls that my DC are not around on a special day we make the most of the rest of the time eg. Visits to father Xmas, Xmas markets, Xmas film nights leading up to Xmas and Xmas #2 when they come back. Fill your time alone with 'you' time, see friends, visit family, go to places you have always wanted to go to.

It is hard to get used to but the children will benefit from seeing you manage the situation in the best possible way and as they grow up will make their own mind up about arrangements which in my experience will reflect who has acted in their best interests for the right reasons. If he's not spending quality time with them and only wants to reduce CMS they will see through it in time.

I know they are young and it seems like a long slog but I found this was easier than spending years fighting over things that you can't change. Save your fight for things that need it and can be won and make the best of everything else.

November 31st could become a thing.
Instead of 01Dec, tell the kids it's 31st November. So they start the advent calendar on what is actually 2nd Dec.

If they are young enough, by the end of the advent calendar they will think 25 Dec is actually 24rh and 25th is actually Boxing Day. Have the kids on Boxing Day with them thinking it's Christmas Day. The advent calendar thing just adds to the illusion