How do you give your kids one on one time?

[Iamuhtredsonofuhtred]

I have 4DC’s, age 11 to 3. I work full time, their dad sees them for a few hours a week normally Sunday afternoon. My eldest DD has been withdrawn lately, spending a lot of time on her phone. Having watched the social dilemma I’ve tried to instil some boundaries around screen time, this all came to a head today when she cried and said I never have any time for her and that’s why she’s always on her phone.

She’s right and I hate it. I have 3 year old twins and they take up all my attention. Her sister is 7 and may have ADHD, DD1 and DD2 fight all the time and I feel like I’m constantly fire fighting. The 3 youngest get on really well and DD1 is mainly alone.

We used to go out and do fun things when her dad and I were together. Now money is tight and I always have the little ones too when I’m not working. When I try and schedule something fun, like a trip to the park, one of the twins normally had a tantrum and we have to go home. It’s just so rubbish for DD1. We watch a movie together sometimes just us when her siblings are in bed, but she clearly needs more than I am giving her. I feel like I’m failing her. Her dad has substance misuse issues so can’t co-parent properly. I did get her to see a therapist last year but she hated it and refused to go back.

How do other single parents with multiple kids get some quality time?

I agree it's very difficult. I have three under 10. They still have staggered bedtimes so I do stuff with my nine year old, even if it's just watching a show she's interested in once the younger ones are in bed.

TBH I don't. My DD has always been challenging so won't allow me to have quiet time with her older brother. I think it's why they argue so much and fight for my attention.

Sounds like after the others are in bed is the only time you can share just now. Apart from movies, can you play games together? Find a hobby that that you can do at night, or a project?

I know time on your own is important, but could she maybe stay with you occasionally when the others see Dad?

Don't be so hard on yourself

Thanks for the responses. We only really get about half an hour in the evenings because she has to be up super early for school so it’s not really enough time for a project. I’ve started reading to her again before bed; I had gotten out of the habit as she normally reads independently but I’m reading her some more challenging things that she might not tackle alone like Jane Austen.

I’d love to take her out to do something or spend some one on one time while her dad has the others but it’s his time with them. I’ll see if maybe he’d be willing to let me do that even once a month.

Perhaps the week that she stays with you on the Sunday, she could see him for dinner during the week instead? Then she's getting one on one time with both of you that week. Obviously I don't know how local he is, etc.

You're doing an amazing job! Im in a similar though slightly easier position - I work full time but have only three DCs and my stbxh takes one for an overnight each week as he has MH issues and can't handle more. No family around at all, and it is so hard to manage, especially for my eldest - can't even imagine with 4 including twins! Night time 1-1 is hard too as you're just so knackered and have so many pressing jobs.

Mine are a bit younger than yours but things that are working a little bit are:

• In the mornings, if the younger ones are dressed and ready with bags in their hands they can watch some cbeebies - then I do my makeup for 10-15 mins while I chat to my eldest a bit (sometimes he chooses to snuggle up with the 2 year old and join the Peter Rabbit crew, but at least he has the chance).

• At night I do staggered bed times and my younger two go to bed a bit before they really need to sleep, but with an audiobook playing for 15 mins. I do teeth, read a book, snuggle, lights out then audio book on, using my kindle. It helps them wind down and has saved me what used to be 30 mins of faffing around reading endless books and popping in and out of bed. I used some of their birthday money to fund them an audible subscription, there are loads of good books, or also some free via the local library.

• your 3 year olds might be tricky to do this with, but can you once a month try to get a simultaneous playdate/babysit going for your others, so you have a few hours with just you and your eldest (or another one)? I find people never want to look after 3, occasionally 2 especially if it's a bit of a babysitting swap, but are often open to 1

• this is my unglamorous one, but I've told my older two that I'd like to spend more time playing with them, but have so many jobs. So now they have the choice of an evening or Sunday afternoon of either helping me with the jobs, so they get done faster and I have more play time, or playing quietly and not whingeing while I do them. They're often quite helpful and I've actually found folding laundry, for example, to be a good time to have a chat about something that one of them is finding hard at school.

Last point was that I sometimes remember that just because my younger children might be happy as part of a crowd and don't complain about needing one on one doesn't mean they don't benefit from it too. My middle child is 5, and sometimes I ask my 8 year old to play cars or similar with the 2 year old for 15 mins so that my middle and I get a little time, it's not much but it really does help her behaviour and happiness too, and the eldest gets to feel involved and important.

Nothing perfect, and hope to hear more tips, but we are finding better ways together and hope you can too x

@facefate that’s a really good idea as when he has them he is mainly focused on the little ones. He lives on the other side of London to us. I will suggest it, she definitely could use some one on one time with him too as her relationship with him is the most difficult as she was very aware of the arguments/substance misuse when he lived here and his stay in rehab etc.

@OverTheRubicon thanks, sons good tips there and good point about not forgetting my middle one, I make sure we have movie nights just us too but she is super resilient and never complains so she’s easy to overlook sometimes! We actually went out to get some stuff for the twins birthday this week yesterday just DD2 and I while their dad was here so that was nice, even just a quick shipping trip together

Yes. I have two daughters and I’m also a foster carer for two children. My daughters get one-to-one time at bedtime and also any chance I get I will carve out an hour to be just with them. I think it’s really important to them and they have expressed this time is really special. It’s really hard as a single parent but worth it in my opinion

I'm in a similar situation to you, OP - lone parent, 3 DCs. I'd say start small - an hour seems impossible, but 10 minutes 1-1 time is a start, and is better than nothing! If your daughter is on her phone, show an interest in what she's doing, is there a game on there you can play together for example? Make the most of bedtime when the younger ones are sorted, time to chat as well as read/watch TV.

One of the best things for us is a low windowsill I have in my tiny kitchen...ive found if I keep it clear, the DC sit and chat to me while I'm getting dinner etc. It's where some of the best conversations happen, entirely unplanned!