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Original poster

Newborn contact with dad

17 replies

FTMNOV · 23/09/2020 16:22

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and due to trust issues I have broken up with the baby's dad.

He is demanding he has the baby 3 days a week and that the baby will be formula fed when he knows I wanted to keep my options open and try and breastfeed for the first month at least as my original plan was to go back to full time work after 4 months, but obviously this will now have to change.

He does regular disappearing acts of nobody knowing where he is and not answering his phone and also has a history of drugs in the past. The drug history is on his medical record as we split for a few weeks at the beginning of the year and the condition on me taking him back is that he would get professional help with drugs to which he went to 1 support session. He since has done drugs a few times and I have a feeling he has gone back to them recently.

I cannot trust him to have the baby and his home environment is not safe or hygienic enough to have a newborn there. He lives in a flat with his mum with a indoor house cat that sits on the kitchen sides and where ever it wants, has vicious turns of randomly attacking and the litter tray is kept in the small bathroom and the floor is always covered in cat litter. The cat is let out on occasion and has led it to have fleas and is untreated.

How can I stop him from having the baby, I don't want to stop him from seeing the baby, he is more than welcome to visit the baby but I do not feel it will be safe for him to take the baby by himself.

I have my health visitor doing the routine call (should have been a home visit but it's a phonecall due to covid), should I explain the situation to her?

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 23/09/2020 16:25

Breastfeed your baby, educate yourself now about what to expect(it can be a big shock) and find out the bf support available in your area before baby arrives so that when she is here you know where to go. He cannot demand that you formula feed.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 23/09/2020 16:25

See a solicitor.. No judge would order you to share a newborn baby. Regardless of his level of being a twat.
Ignore his crackpot idea... It won't be a real life scenario..

giletrouge · 23/09/2020 16:26

Yes explain to your HV, she will give you support and advice. You've split up with him ; you don't have to do what he wants, only what's in the best interests of the child. If you bf - which it's your right to do - you will not be expected to let him take the baby. More knowledgable people along soon I hope but you're ok OP, you have the right to keep your baby with you for as long as that's the best thing for baby.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 23/09/2020 16:31

Please please register the baby alone and give it your surname. Ajudge can award him PR and order he is added to the bc if he was brave /stupid enough to take you to court for contact...

Lizadork · 24/09/2020 01:35

With new borns the advice for contact is usually little and often, so half hour sessions maybe a few times a week. No court would rule a newborn to go 3 days a week to dad. Maybe build up to an overnigjt by 12 months but not before. If you breastfeed longer than you can likely get up to 2 years without overnights. If you have drug concerns then do not let him have unsupervised contact at all. If he wants different he can take it to mediation. Log concerns with midwife and health visitor too.

Do not allow him to be on birth certificate.
Give baby your surname.
Go private on social media.

You need to spend what is left of your pregnancy researching your rights.

Lizadork · 24/09/2020 01:39

He cannot make demands of you.
Do not register him on the birth certificate.
You do not have to accept any visitation at this stage.
You do not have to notify him of birth or name.
He has no right to dictate how you feed.

VimFuego101 · 24/09/2020 01:57

He cannot force you to FF. Make a suggestion to him for 'little and often' contact at your home or a place that you can be present and supervise him. You don't have to let him take a newborn baby off without you.

Nat6999 · 24/09/2020 02:36

The courts can force him to be tested to prove he is off drugs & until he can prove he is clean for a good length of time will only allow him to have supervised contact. Don't put his name on the birth certificate & don't offer any kind of contact, if he is that bothered then let him take his case to court. My guess is that he won't bother when he finds out what it needs for him to prove he can be a good dad. If you can manage without his financial support, I would try to do so because in his mind if he is forced to pay up then he is entitled to be in the child's life.

AngelaScandal · 24/09/2020 03:35

You don't have to let him take a newborn baby off without you

This.
No name on BC. Let him apply through the courts for contact. Don’t set yourself up trying to be fair. Breastfeed for as long as you want.

Original poster
FTMNOV · 25/09/2020 10:38

I have cut all communication with him and told him the only way we will communicate is via email.

I sent a very lengthy email to him stating he will not have the baby alone or take the baby away from me. I have said I will not stop him from seeing the baby and he is more than welcome to visit as often as he likes but he is arguing against it. I have sent him links to sources explaining babys sleep and feeding schedule and how 1-2 hours a day visiting will be more than enough when hes a newborn and we can work up increasing the visits as the baby grows and he gains my trust again. He has agreed to doing weekly drug tests.

He keeps going on about how he wants to meet up to discuss it face to face. I have told him I am struggling very badly with mental health and meeting up would not be a good idea right now.

I have an appointment with a solicitor on Tuesday and an appointment with citizens advice on Wednesday.

I spoke to my health visitor about the issue and even mentioned about his past with drugs and how I think hes gone back to it and I cannot trust him. She didnt seem to care and said that hes probably scared and he will come arround and we will work things out and get back together.i also mentioned that he wants me to formula feed and not breastfeed, her advice was to not exclusively breastfeed and to pump or do a combination of breast and formula. She was no help. My sister is a manager at a nursery and was shocked she didn't flag this as a safe guarding concern.

OP posts:
mediumperiperi · 25/09/2020 16:15

You won't be forced to bottle feed and hand the baby over overnight. It sounds like you'd rather he had supervised contact
Ideally you want him to take you to court so you can get a CAO. If he doesn't return baby then the police would fetch the baby and return them to you. If he's on the birth certificate the police would say he has parental responsibility and advise you to go to court to get baby back.

I'm gobsmacked at the awful HV advice you've been given. Even addicts say be careful with trusting an addict. This is a baby and vigilance is needed. I don't know if you can switch HVs?

I would stop communicating with him until the baby arrives. If he takes you to court then welcome that. He will be told that contact will be little and often and definitely no overnight until much later.

Register the baby without him (to make the process less stressful) He can get added to the birth certificate later. If you want to add Dad's surname make it a middle name rather than the surname which should be yours.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 25/09/2020 16:24

Ime HV do not give sound advice..
On another thread a ftm is being slated for being a shite dm.!!
Please speak to your GP... Have it on record what he is doing to your mh.

MalbecIsMyOne · 25/09/2020 16:28

When is your next midwife appointment? They are usually pretty clued up on this sort of thing & will hopefully take your concerns seriously.

DelphiniumBlue · 25/09/2020 16:42

So he's a drug addict, and you have trust issues with him - around drugs, or other things as well?
Whichever, you can't put a newborn baby's safety in his hands, and his housing situation sounds unhygenic and unsafe too.
It sounds as if you've split up only very recently - I would say it's too soon to be making agreements about how and when he will see the baby, who hasn't even been born yet.
I would say as little as possible at this point, you don't want to be promising anything, or on the other hand provoking him into taking stances. You don't know at this point whether he will still be around next month , let alone in 3 months time. Give him time and space to shoot himself in the foot, and he probably will. Then you won't have to get involved in arguments and placating and confrontations etc.

As other people have said, don't put him on the birth certificate unless you feel he will be a bonus in your child's life. Feed your child as you see fit, and don't entrust him/her to anyone who won't be able to keep them safe, not even for a minute.

MichelleofzeResistance · 25/09/2020 16:53

Talk to your midwife as a priority, and you can confidentially find and talk your HV's area lead (not to complain about her unless you want to, just to get advice from someone higher qualified with a management role who hopefully will be more clued up!)

Feed however you want, he can't do a thing about it and it's your decision on what's best for you and the baby.

Good re solicitor. If need be, you can just stop all contact and tell him to take it through the court channels himself, which will mean he has to do things properly and accountably while focusing on what's best for the baby instead of strong arming you into what he wants.

icode · 25/09/2020 17:07

Stop confiding in him about your mental health and do not put him on the birth certificate.

BlackeyedSusan · 26/09/2020 00:01

if you need to move to be near your family, do this before you have the baby.

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