exH doesnt seem to really want to spend time with DD

[Ivenamechanged13]

Hi. I'm looking for some advice and also want a rant!

When exH and i separated he demanded 50/50. Dd was only 4 and I didnt think it was a good idea. She was with me all the time whilst exH was out working or out several nights a week at his hobby. Basically everything else came before us hence we separated. But he pushed and pushed.

1st Arrangement : 3 nights one week and 4 the next. Including school pick up and drop offs on his day. This lasted 2 months before it got in the way of his social life. No maintenance paid.

2nd Arrangement : 3 nights one week and 2 nights the next week. Inc school pick up and drop of on his days. This lasted a good while and everything settled down. Including dd being in a good routine.

3rd Arrangement : No school pick ups on his days. He got a new job meaning he could no longer do them. Was meant to be temporary for 3 months. Went on for a year. Starts paying 1/2 of what he should maintenance.

4th Arrangement : Cant do any overnights 1 out of 3 weeks. He got a promotion in work so needs to be on call.

So as you can see I have been extremely accommodating to him. This has allowed him to earn an extra 1k min a month ontop of his salary. I was hoping more maintenance would be forthcoming but apparently he cant afford it. I also done all lockdown (day times and all homeschooling).

Sorry this is really long, I'm not wanting to drip feed. Now to the issue I'm seriously pissed off about tonight. He cant seem to have DD on his own. He either "pops in" to MY parents (the live near by) or MY siblings. Ontop of this he is now spending every contact time with "friends" and their grandkids/kids. Dont know when poor dd got to spend more than an hour with him just quality time together. I'm thinks a good couple of months easy.

I've just found out that on one of his upcoming contact weekends that he has asked my family members to have DD for 75% of the time because he has made plans. Drinking with mates and his hobby.

I was also informed that the days he asked for contact during the xmas school holidays are now inconvenient for him and I am to rearrange my plans as he wont be having DD for any of it. I plan all my social/work life around when he has DD. It would appear he does it the other way around. Oh but he still wants her xmas day!

I'm so angry. Why does he not actually want to spend quality time with DD? Why does he palm her off on people constantly during his contact time? It breaks my heart, she amazing. Hard work at times but he sees her only 20% of the time max. I would think he would make the most of this time.

My family members are trying to take a massive step back from him but he is so manipulative that they end up giving in to him. They are trying though.

Oh and we aren't uk so no help from cms. Just courts which I cant afford.

Sorry it's so long, I'm close to just sitting in a corner and crying and needed to get it out.

I’m afraid I don’t have any really good advice, but this sounds terrible. Why is he using your family as childcare on his weekends? Although he’s manipulative, surely they can just say ‘no, we can’t babysit at the moment.’

I’m not sure why you are bending over backwards for him as much as you are. Why is he continually telling you what to do? There’s no reason why he should decide he can get rid of his daughter on weekends but demand to have her for Christmas day. You could just say no to him. And I would stop swapping and changing to help him with work when it isn’t affecting the maintenance in any way - why are you enabling his life?

I should add, I don’t think you’re out of line for being angry - he’s being a rubbish dad to your little girl. But you could set up a new contact arrangement that suits you and your daughter and stop pandering to this man.

Offer him every other weekend and one day midweek where he picks DD up from school gives her tea and brings her back to you in tome for bedtime.

Go through CMS for maintenance.

@frazzledasarock

Offer him every other weekend and one day midweek where he picks DD up from school gives her tea and brings her back to you in tome for bedtime.

Go through CMS for maintenance.

OP has said CMS doesn't exist in her country.

@Ivenamechanged13 I know you said you can't afford courts - are there no other channels for ensuring maintenance is paid?

Which country are you in? It might help with advice

Sorry missed that bit.

Is there any kind of legal aid for people on low income? Or could you make a direct application to court?

I’d really stop dancing around what he wants and keep dc with you. She’s not benefitting by being offloaded on to people by him. She’s be more stable and happier at yours.

My ex can't manage DD alone either. He launches from girlfriend to girlfriend or stays with his parents when he has her when single. It's pathetic and as she's got older she's noticed. Unfortunately you can't control how he spends his time with her but you can ask your family to stop enabling his shitty attitude towards her

Family are really trying. He turns up with DD and then asks in front of her so they dont want to upset her by saying no which I understand.

With regards to xmas we had agreed to do alternate years. So last year dd was with me (he came round in the morning for opening gifts, although he was so hungover he shouldn't have bothered) and this year is his turn to have her. Im annoyed that he will have xmas day with her with pics all over social media showing how amazing he is and all the things he got her but then will dump her for his contact for a week afterwards.

I have spoken to all my family members tonight and explained re xmas school holidays. They have all agreed that they will not be agreeing to have DD for him on his contact days. He will just have to cancel his plans. If he just doesnt turn up to pick her up then that's the end of the road for me I think.

I didnt think about doing the whole court thing myself, so thank you. I will look into that.