Dd2 is not coping anywhere near aswell as I thought and I don't know how to help her

[nutcracker]

I posted in behavior and development a while ago, that dd is basically very miserable and has been for about 2 mths now on and off. She is incredibly quiet and increasingly clingy towards me, worrying that I am gonna die, or that she will be adopted or something.

I have spoken to her at length a few times, and had figured out that the cause of most of the upset was the seperation, but today really shocked me.

I got a call from school to say that she had banged her head and felt sick, so I went to collect her. Basically she was fine, she had banged her head, but didn't feel sick and admitted that she wanted to come home to check I was still here, because she thinks I will leave her like daddy did .

She sobbed so hard that I really had to try hard not to disolve into tears in front of her. She is basically heart broken that her dad doesn't live here anymore, and no matter what I say about it being me asking him to leave, she just sees it as that he left her, and thats that.
She thinks that I am going to leave her, that she will wake up one day and I will be gone, and she said the only thing that will ever make her happy again is if she gets her daddy back like before.

I am gutted, I thought she was coping ok, and I thought i'd done a better job of helping them through all of this.
I don't know what to do now. I can get her counselling yeah but it's not going to change what she thinks and feels is it.

I feel like I have wrecked her little life.

Hi Nutcracker !

Sorry I dont have any experience into that kind of situation but I didnt want to leave your thread unanswered...it must be so hard for you to see your little girl in that state, poor you, poor her...I hope everything is going to get better soon for you !

Poor darling. I used to do this when I was about 11. I wasn't ill but I used to make up illnesses so I could go home. My Father left when I was about 6 but the transition to secondary school made me feel I had too much to deal with.

I don't know how old your daughter is but I know that I felt my world dissolved when my Dad left. What kept us all going was that my Mum was an absolute tower of strength and never, ever wavered in providing us support and being there for us even though she must have felt that she was cracking up. So just to say you are doing the right thing.

You haven't ruined her life. She will be fine. She just needs to feel her way in her new world for a while until she adjusts. I now see that this is exactly what I was doing.

No practical advice really but just to say, chin up and take pride in being as strong as you are.

Thank you both for your posts

I do have some experiance of how she is feeling, as my parents had a long and drawn out seperation/divorce starting when I was 10 and eventually ending when I was 12 and my mum moved out. The difference though, is that I was older (dd is 7), and that I was glad it was all over.

I have told her that it was my desicion that daddy leave, and that he would never have left her otherwise, and that where ever he is he will still always love her.

She currently sees him roughly twice a week, but saus this isn't enough. When i ask her what she would like then, she says to see him every day, which just isn't possible.

I have assured her that I will not leave her and will always be here for her no matter what, but she looks at me like, it can't be true because her dad left.

I feel so selfish for putting her through this.

bumping, for anymore thoughts

Oh nutty
Poor little thing!
You are not selfish ,you didn't plan for your relationship to end and you are the one that is there for your dc now.
I have no personal experience of separation and divorce but i do remember (probably started at the same age as your dd)feeling the realisation that something could happen to my parents and they could die and i used to cry and got upset over it all the time.
I do hope things improve for you all very soon.
All you can do is keep doing what you are doing .
xxxx

Thanks Pelvic, I just feel so shit. I so wanted them to not go through anything like what I did when my parents seperated, but it seems to have gone badly wrong.

She is such a sensitive little soul and she looks so sad and lost, and like if she had a choice she'd hold me tight and never let me go, she is so scared of me leaving.

I just don't know where to go from here, and what to say to her. I can reassure her until the cows come home, but she quite obviously desn't believe me.

nutty, children can suffer from depression....maybe you should talk to her gp about a referral for some counselling

I think I will have to tissy. Have just been on a couple of mental health websites and they basically describe her as she is at the moment.

I will ask for the number of the school nurse and see what can be done.

I just feel so bad that what I have done and the desicions I have made have done this to her. She is 7 for christs sake and she is depressed, thats just not right.

Also bumping with a thought that there might be some good story books about this that could help your daughter envisage her future, secure life with you. My daughter is only one so we are not at that stage but in case anyone else has any suggestions...

How long have you been seperated, my DD age 6 went through a very similar phase and the sobbing for dady just about broke my heart especially as I wa strying so hard not to bad mouth him to her...so I had to just take all the blame She is so much better now but it did take a while (we have been living apart nearly a year now) she seems him a few times a week and sleeps over a night every other week or so.....she still asks when he will come home but doesn't seem so heartbroken....chin up hon parents apart are better than warring parents together ...