Finding things hard..

[Gem128]

Hey I'm new to this so don't really know how this works but just need someone to talk to who isn't family or close friends. Basically I recently have become a single mum and yeh I'm struggling physically and emotionally. Basically feeling I'm a failure on most things and especially with keeping calm round my 2 year old daughter. She is a lovely but lively attitude two year old and man she can test my patience just finding everything really tough and guess just need reassurance that I'm ok. Cause all I'm feeling is she is better off with someone else as I'm useless. Anyways won't carry on as feeling a little stupid writing this now. Hope everyone is having a good day.

Why can't you talk to family/friends?

It is so hard being a single mum at times, I became one around that same point.

Are you a sahm or working? do you get a break from caring for your daughter?

It's so important to take care of yourself too.

I promise it gets easier, partly as they get easier as they get older, partly as you become more practised at doing it alone.

You're not stupid you're having a tough time.

I am sure you are doing a great job. Parenting alone is hard work. And 2/3 year olds are exhausting.

Let others help you. They will want to do something to support you. So delegate what you can.

Lower your standards. Just do what you can. It has taken me the best part of three years to be ok on my own.

What helped me when my youngest was pushing my buttons was to either pretend I was being filmed by one of those parenting programmes. Or if it was later in the day. Just counting down the hours until bedtime.

@Graphista

Why can't you talk to family/friends?

It is so hard being a single mum at times, I became one around that same point.

Are you a sahm or working? do you get a break from caring for your daughter?

It's so important to take care of yourself too.

I promise it gets easier, partly as they get easier as they get older, partly as you become more practised at doing it alone.

You're not stupid you're having a tough time.

Thank you for replying.. I can talk to them but I think I'm going through depression myself and just finding it all too much. I'm very much show my emotions quite well but if I show them too much I think I'm weak and should be better and get angry with myself for showing I can't cope. Think I just saw my life as a picture perfect family and then things went wrong and yeh now a single mum living back with my folks in my 30s after being married for 5 years. I guess I'm not one to ask for help either bit stubborn like that and just wanted someone I didn't know to talk to.. just feeling messed up and just seeing my daughter smile makes me carry on. Just the terrible two tantrums and her being hard work quite a lot just doesn't help.

@unicornsarereal72

I am sure you are doing a great job. Parenting alone is hard work. And 2/3 year olds are exhausting.

Let others help you. They will want to do something to support you. So delegate what you can.

Lower your standards. Just do what you can. It has taken me the best part of three years to be ok on my own.

What helped me when my youngest was pushing my buttons was to either pretend I was being filmed by one of those parenting programmes. Or if it was later in the day. Just counting down the hours until bedtime.

Thank you for replying.. like I said to someone else. I'm quite an independent person so I struggle to ask for help but emotions do show quite a lot to then me kicking myself as I feel it's a sign of weakness. All I want is my daughter to be happy and succeed in life and sometimes forget that I need to be showing I'm happy in the process.. don't get me wrong I am happy here and there just have my days just feel like giving up and like most people feel like the worse parent going. It's hard to describe exactly how I'm feeling but talking on here trust me is a big step as I don't tend to do this.

BELIEVE ME!

I know about being that ultimate coper, not asking for help, stubbornly independent...

DON'T BE ME!

I have serious ocd (contamination relates to abusive childhood, the eldest, always responsible, perfectionism etc)

When I became a single mum
I was hundreds of miles away from family, couldn't afford to move there plus I had other reasons for wanting to stay where I was (job etc)

This meant I had NO support network, I really was doing it alone. Ex was nearby and SUPPOSED to have dd one day a weekend but frequently cancelled/didn't show/turned up hours late - drunk/hungover and no way I was letting him DRIVE dd in that state!

I also pushed myself WAY too hard!

Over the next few years I was all at the same time:

A single mum
Full time student
Part time paid employee
Volunteer employee

NOT recommended.

In addition (due to the ocd) the house and dd were ALWAYS spotless!

Eventually (unsurprisingly really) I succumbed to a full psychotic breakdown (they don't call it that now but it's what lay people understand and makes sense to me)

I had hit a wall.

Long story short mh services had to be involved I was very unwell.

When the crisis team workers came to mine that first day their first comment was

"Wow! This place is spotless considering you've a 6 year old!"

And they later said they knew at that point what the likely dx would be.

But also as they did the assessment which basically involved me telling them all I was doing at that point and they were like - "well no wonder you snapped! That's far too much for anyone to cope with"

But... I didn't know any different.

I'd ALWAYS kept myself "busy" I know now as a way of avoiding confronting all my shit!

As I say PLEASE don't be me.

I had sensed for months that I was depressed, had been fairly certain for years that I had ocd, had been pretty much constantly anxious for the previous 6 months but felt I should just "push through" as that's what I always did.

I was also afraid - partly paranoia partly ex messing with my head!

That if I spoke to the dr or anyone like that about how I was feeling that I'd lose dd and basically be locked up in the proverbial padded cell!

Totally unfounded fears as it turned out.

A social worker did attend as its protocol but while she recognised I was ill and needed support and put me in touch with various groups, she was happy I was caring for dd ok and definitely wouldn't harm her (actually part of my ocd was fear of doing something daft like undercooking food or overloading an electrical socket that would lead to her being ill/hurt).

The rest of mh services, my gp, practise nurse and health visitor all supported me at this time.

As did people I would have referred to as acquaintances prior to this - neighbours, colleagues, fellow students were so lovely and kind to dd and I and helped a lot. From things as simple as sitting having a cuppa and listening to fetching groceries to taking dd to school when I didn't feel confident driving.

I will FOREVER be grateful to those people and they are not only good friends to me now they've stayed in touch with dd too and love following her progress.

You DON'T have to do it all alone.

There's strength and maturity in asking for and accepting help and people feel good about helping others - I've done so when I've been doing better myself (I'm not well right now) and it's so rewarding and satisfying.

There's also strength and maturity in lowering standards as @unicornsarereal72 says

The house/child do NOT need to be spotless at all times, you don't have to cook from scratch every day, you don't have to say yes to every request of help from others, you don't have to be the perfect mum who NEVER loses her patience or screams into a pillow...

You're human.

It sounds trite and cliche but it's true and SO hard to do I know but

Be kind to YOU.

It took me years to get to a point where I don't have the house spotless and felt comfortable saying no to people.

NO mum is perfect - we all have days where we think we have created the demon child from hell! (Mines almost 20 just started uni and STILL drives me nuts at times and she certainly had her moments as a teen that actually made me long for the "easier" terrible twos!)!

But start each day afresh, find something that helps you relax and take care of your health because that really makes a world of difference.

Just prior to breakdown I was basically "working" 12 hour days, barely eating and barely sleeping. Stupid!

Seriously - don't be me

No offence but by the way I'm feeling these days I can't guarantee anything and that's not sounding nasty.. appreciate you telling me your story tho

Then please do ask for help. Best thing you can do for you and your daughter

You know what, thank you. I was being stupid and quite arrogant writing that message earlier and to be honest was thinking about myself on that. You are right. Just so you know tho you aren't that bad ok so don't put yourself down in some ways like you were in your reply especially when repeating yourself saying don't be like me. I appreciate everything you said today but what I want for you is for you to say that you to actually believe deep down you are a good mum as well despite our faults. You may already think that which is great but just want to say thank you and I think you are a good person and a good mum even tho I don't know you.
Keep in touch if you want but also take care x

Bless you thanks for being so kind.

It's hard doing it alone but I am incredibly proud of my dd, she's amazing.

I must've got something right eh? She's just started teacher training

We've had our moments! But we're incredibly close and know each other inside out.

I have regrets - don't we all and I am sad that she doesn't remember me being well, but good comes out of bad and she's an incredibly thoughtful, caring and compassionate young woman probably at least partly as a result of my and her own health issues

She has a disability which she was born with but wasn't dx until she was much older.

You are a good mum, if you weren't you wouldn't care about feeling like you're struggling and losing your patience.

2 year olds are hard work!

I'm not just a mum I've been a nanny and childminder in the past too, they can be little so and so's but it is part of their development

A friend of mine who's way of relaxing was to lock herself in the bath for an hour when husband got home from work or at weekends and let him deal with the toddler who was acting up, once said she felt like she had so many baths at one point she was amazed she didn't melt away!

And we don't/didn't have those options!

Once they're down for the night do something that gives you pleasure and comfort. And please do accept help from others to get a break sometimes hopefully something regular.

Take care

Good evening everyone, just want to say to all those mums out there.. single, not single, happily married or not, lesbian, or bi the list can go on...
I am a single mum who has recently separated from my husband due to a not so nice situation but don't have to go into that and has a hard time coping with my gorgeous but somewhat tantrum, hard, attitude but gorgeous fun personality 2 year old daughter.
I have my days where I could possibly think I'm the worse mum out and that she is better off without me, feel like calling SS on me so she could have a better life cause I don't have faith in myself to make her happy and be a good parent to her. Some days I cry and think why is my life soo difficult and yeh some times I have days where they can be ok.
But after talking to someone on here and hearing their story and for once having a proper sit down and think without a crying toddler who likes to have a cry or not want to sleep or even strips down naked and sometimes likes to investigate her own poo.. I have actually got a little peace in my mind.
I came on here signing up thinking I'm a failure and no good to my daughter or anyone in fact and always been the person who basically just judges myself and lets myself down on everything or even puts myself down. Now I'm not going to say I'm not going to do in the future cause I would be lying but in small steps I'm going to try and pick myself up.
Every day I'm going to wake up knowing yes it could be a struggle but if I can make my daughter at least smile and laugh and I can show her so much love I can possibly give then that's all that matters then hopefully everything will fall into place around it in time.
What I'm saying to everyone who is going through crap, or feeling down, feeling like they are useless, horrible mum or whatever. Don't give up! Every day is different if it's a bad day today then try and make it a better day tomorrow. We can do this and never doubt yourself cause at the end of the day being a parent is bloody hard work but we created them and now it's our job to make sure they get the best life they can have whether it's a struggle or not. Do what you can, be what you can be and know that others are in your same situation and your not alone. If anyone needs someone to talk to for a rant or reassurance I'm here cause trust me I know I'm probably going through the same thing and others are too.
Anyways best get some sleep, take care all and take each day as it comes. Don't feel you are nothing cause trust me you are great and your kids know you are too. Night x