Don’t know what to do, please help

[Cassie85]

Hi all,

In brief, I am now on my third attempt to get my ex to use solicitors to get some contact arrangements written up. I want this because he is unreliable and controlling so picks and chooses when he sees the kids, when suits him and when doesn’t suit me.

He refuses to get anything in writing or to engage with solicitors.

What do I do? Just allow him to get away with this? Or stop him seeing them in the hope it will prompt him to make some real commitments?

I don’t want to stop him seeing them but I feel like he’s doing as he likes.

I see this a lot on here. The trick is to be reasonable but firm. Say he can have her on x or y days, if he shows up on z day don't release the kids to him. It won't take long before he either applies to court or starts coming on appropriate days.

Just try and be fair and work out good days for you and him. That's the hard part because it sounds like he's unwilling to have that discussion right now but maybe after a few times being turned away he'll start making arrangements beforehand.

Exactly what the pp said. Pick two slots a week that he is able to make. Fix the times. Tell him that if he wants a different schedule you're happy to discuss one, with a mediator if necessary. Then stick to those times. He'll kick off, but keep repeating you're happy to discuss alternatives with a mediator if he wants to arrange. Repeat repeat repeat. Don't let the kids see him outside of those times. Be firm.

And keep a record, screen shot of every single thing.
Even email them to yourself so they're easier to find.

Thanks all.

This has been going on a while. Problem is if he turns up when he’s not supposed to my son gets upset and there’s been altercations before where he’s tried to push into my house.

If it’s a time he knows I have plans he either drops them off Early or late.

He cancels and wants to ‘swap’ days a lot, and wants them for a weekend but can’t have them overnight so I have to get them back at bedtime and have them ready again first thing in the morning.

I feel I am being fair, all he has to do is stick to his days and times and be consistent.

I have also expressed to him recently that I am struggling with post natal depression and PTSD and that I could do with more reliable support from him and his family (who o lý see the children when their dad has them). I feel he’s using my mental health to his advantage, knowing I’m desegregate for help even if it’s on his terms.

Don't answer the door to him when it's not his turn. Consider a non-mol if he's barging into the house.

Your ds needs consistency. Not a father who uses his mother's MH as a stick to beat her with.

You could consider dropping him off at his fathers family on set times if they're nearby.

Thanks titch. The police have been involved previously but I didn’t want to go as far as an order.

He lives with his parents and I’m not allowed to the house so when I have picked the kids up before, I have to do so at the end of the road. So me doing the drop offs wouldn’t work either.

I feel like a lot is about control and just want him to choose days, stick to them and let everyone get on with their lives.

A solicitor will not solve the issue. Not would a court order.

All you really can do, is set a contsct Timetable and state that if he's more than say 20 minutes late then the contact for that session is cancelled until the next planned session.
You cannot make the other parent turn up and do as you'd prefer. You can however try to formalise your offer. If he then disagrees significantly and you stick to only making lo available as per the schedule (assuming its a reasonable offer for the age etc) then he may opt to go via other routes.

Sorry your updates didn't show before I posted.

Have the drop off and collection point elsewhere. Eg in front of a supermarket, so there's cctv. This means he can't just drop as pleases. Don't rearrange contsct.
Don't tell him personal info and your plans. If necessary, tell lo you'll be out so that if asked he doesn't think he can interrupt you.