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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Help! Moving house with a teenager who doesn’t want to come and ex says she can live with him.

25 replies

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 11:33

Hi everyone, I’m new here and feeling pretty desperate right now.
Looking for some help and advice.
For over 2 years now I have been planning to move out of London as the borough I live in is becoming an increasingly dangerous place to live, with murders and muggings on my doorstep. My children are teenagers and I fear for their safety. I split with the children’s father 4 years ago and the children live with me. My parents have just bought a house in Wiltshire big enough for us all to live in together and although all my children were on board whilst this was in the planning, my 15yo daughter has now decided she doesn’t want to come. Their Dad led me to believe he wanted to move out of London too and follow us wherever we decided to go and I have kept him informed every step of the way. On the day I called him to tell him the offer had been accepted on the new house, he told me he had changed his mind and asked me to give him my council flat. This is not possible due to him signing over his rights to me when we split. He does not have a permanent place to live atm and can be asked to leave the 1 bed flat at any time with nowhere else to go. He got angry when I told him that I have no say in what happens to my flat after I leave and then told my 15yo daughter she can stay in London with him. While I respect my daughters reasons for wanting to stay she suffers with her mental health and and her father cannot provide a stable home for her at this time. I’m upset that my ex lied to me and has gone behind my back after telling me he wanted the children out of London for the same reasons as me. I do not want to leave my daughter behind but do not want to Put any of us through court. What shall I do?

OP posts:

PersephonePromotesEquanimity · 06/09/2020 14:20

Between a spacious house in Wiltshire and a temporary one bedroom flat in London, I know which I'd choose.

What is the situation with schools? Presumably you have a place for her at a school in Wiltshire? Have you surrendered her place at her current school? That's obviously a complication.

But, from what you say, she probably won't last two weeks left behind in London. Let her try it, see what happens. 15 year olds are a bit difficult to drag if they're not willing. It doesn't sound as if life with her father could be terribly satisfying, so she's very, very likely to change her mind pdq.

GlennRheeismyfavourite · 06/09/2020 14:33

Is she half way through GCSEs? You'll never find a school to match all subject options, boards and topic options - why not wait a year (or wait until next July) she mightn't feel so reluctant.

ChicCroissant · 06/09/2020 14:39

Is she due to take her exams this year? That is a terrible time to move her if that's the case, I can see her point about wanting to stay.

PersephonePromotesEquanimity · 06/09/2020 14:48

Presumably she has the option of London during the week and Wiltshire at weekends - for now. As long as her father keeps the roof over his head.

Original poster

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 14:50

Because of how severe her mental health problems are, she’s barely attended school for the past two years, she’d only been back for 3 weeks when we went into lockdown (the only time that academic year) she’s had to drop all but her core subjects and hasn’t completed any of the coursework. If she hadn’t had so much time off school I’d worry how this move would affect her grades but sadly I think it won’t make a difference. Even when she’s in school she doesn’t attend normal lessons. I’m trying to make a better life for my children and her especially with everything she’s been through, she deserves better.

OP posts:

Original poster

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 14:54

I haven’t applied for schools there yet because at this stage we are still waiting for the vendors to find a property to move to. I won’t be giving up their places at their current school until we have a moving date.

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growinggreyer · 06/09/2020 14:56

Take things very slowly and step by step. She can pack a suitcase of essentials and take it with her to stay at her Dad's. You can move all her other stuff to Wiltshire. Whenever she wants to come down to see you she is welcome. Get her room set up in your new place but don't pressure her. She can take her time to see which place she prefers. Maybe she will get on great with her Dad and he will manage or maybe she will realise that she needs her Mum and stay with you more. Basically, remove any arguing or pressure and provide a comfortable environment that she can move to without losing face.

AskingforaBaskin · 06/09/2020 15:00

It wouldn't really get to court. At 15 she would get to make the decisions. With her in his custody he would be eligible to be housed but this could be a temporary place. Is she aware that this could be horrible?

RainbowDash101 · 06/09/2020 15:02

I can understand wanting to move away from London, but would think twice about giving up a council tenancy, to move in with your parents. What if you don’t get on living together? Where is the new house? Is there much for teenagers to do? Transport links and opportunities can be quite sparse.

PersephonePromotesEquanimity · 06/09/2020 15:04

With her in his custody he would be eligible to be housed ...

Ahh ... Is this why he suddenly wants her to live with him? I hope he won't change his mind once the accommodation is secured.

Original poster

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 17:05

This is my worry, that maybe he had planned this all along.
I really do feel that it is a parents responsibility to provide housing for their child not rely on the child to get housing for them.

OP posts:

growinggreyer · 06/09/2020 17:07

Er, you think he deliberately made himself homeless and signed over the council let to you on the offchance that you would move away to live with your parents, allowing him the luxury of going onto a waiting list with your daughter?

Original poster

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 17:07

I’m not sure it’s as simple as what she wants. As much as I understand she has a say in her future, she is very vulnerable. Without her mental health issues it might be a different story, but there was a time when she had to be watched 24/7 and her dad works 6 days a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 17:10

Of course he didn’t make himself deliberately homeless, it’s a very sad situation when a family breaks down and I didn’t want him to be homeless, for that exact reason I lived with him for 2 years after we broke up so he wasn’t on the streets.

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Original poster

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 17:14

Maybe I am wrong, that’s why I came here for advice.
I just want what’s best for my child and that’s the only reason why I decided to move away from this area. Surely I can’t be wrong for wanting my child to be safe and have security.

OP posts:

growinggreyer · 06/09/2020 17:18

But you have missed the boat on that, I'm afraid. You are both equal parents and he can take responsibility for her living arrangements if he chooses to. She has a say, and at 15 she is unlikely to choose living with her grandparents in Wiltshire when the bright lights of London are calling her. All you can do is agree to share the parenting and hope that she eventually realises that home is where Mum is.

VimFuego101 · 06/09/2020 17:18

I'm not sure he would get a free pass straight to a housing association property, even with your daughter living with him. Temp accommodation with shared bathroom/ kitchen for a period of time, or assistance to get a private rented property with a loan for the deposit, is more likely unless you live in an area where there isn't a housing shortage.

Original poster

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 17:19

I have thought long and hard about this for 2 years.
I’m stuck in a poverty rut in London. I can’t afford to pay my rent if I work full time (even in a council flat) if I lived with my parents I can work full time and will be able to give my children financial stability as well as feeling secure in the knowledge that someone is always at home to keep an eye on my daughter.
I am very close to my family and see them every day, it will take time to adjust to living with them again but I am looking forward to it and I won’t have to worry about them being miles away as they get older having nobody to look after them.

OP posts:

copperoliver · 06/09/2020 17:24

Tell her she has no choice she is 15 and coming with you, when she's 18 she can do what she likes. When she has been in Wiltshire for that amount of time she will like it. X

Trikc · 06/09/2020 17:25

Why don’t you decide nothing for now and have a trail move when your parents get the house? Go for a few weeks with the kids and see how it feels. You daughter will have had more time to think about it by then too.

Original poster

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 17:26

May I add that although he helps when I ask (on the very odd occasion) he has never paid a penny in child support since we split. So I do worry that even with his best intentions, he is not being realistic.
I am worried that I am leaving my vulnerable child in an environment that’s getting worse by the day with her dad who sadly can’t offer her any stability or the support she needs for her recovery.

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 06/09/2020 17:29

Be very careful. Remember that if the new house is just in your parents' names you and your dc will have no right to stay there if your parents need residential care in future. (They can be compelled to sell the house).
Maybe it won't come to that, but it is important to consider the legal situation.

TorkTorkBam · 06/09/2020 17:32

She's 15. Say yes sure and you can come to visit or live in the new house any time you want. Don't make it a battle or force her to take an entrenched position. She won't want to stay with her dad when the reality of it hits. Maybe suggest she stays over with him a couple of nights this week to see how it goes.

Original poster

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 17:37

@VimFuego101

Yes sadly that will be best case scenario because my daughter plans to leave school after her GCSE’s and as far as I can see through researching, if she is not in full time education, she is not even classed as a dependant and therefore her dad won’t qualify for local authority housing.

OP posts:

Original poster

CakefaceH · 06/09/2020 17:59

Thanks TorkTork Bam I think I will probably do this as I don’t want to force her to come as that could also be detrimental to her mental health. I guess learning to let go is hard at any age but at 15 seems way too soon and I just have added worries Because of all the things I’ve mentioned.

OP posts:

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