Please excuse the long post.
I’ve never been one for close relationships – always a bit of a loner, but there’s only so much isolation I can take.
I went solo in 2013, I moved back to the UK with my 14 month old girl as it was clear my relationship with my ex had no longevity. My daughter is now 9. She’s great.
When I moved back in 2013, I moved us to a tiny village where I knew no one, but it 8 miles away from my parents. I wanted my girl to grow up in the countryside and knew I’d need the support of my parents.
It soon became apparent that we weren't included in the tightly knit community in which we lived - I’m from London, gregarious, urban – I just didn’t fit in - which was very difficult for me. We became extremely isolated. My daughter wasn't sociable at that time, so it didn't effect her, but personally, I became increasingly depressed.
Then my father died unexpectedly.
Then we had to move house as the landlady was selling up.
It was tough. I had to deal with this all on my own.
I moved us to another village outside a town I’d heard good things about 40 miles away. Again knowing no one and again, and again, we weren't embraced by the local tightly knit community and once again, we were isolated. I managed to create a social life for my girl but made no friendships of my own.
Three years later, again, we had to move as the landlord was selling up.
Again, I had to find us a place and move us – on my own.
We now live in a tiny flat away 5 miles away from her friends and we are both isolated. I arrange playdates for her when I can, but there is no one local for her to play with, so our relationship is very intense and I get no break.
Amongst all this, I spent two years retraining and have now embarked on a new career.
However, since lockdown, I now spend my weekdays working from the desk in our front room (they are not planning on reopening the office) in between running my girl to and from her school. She has to sit and wait for me to finish my work so she can put on the TV. I don’t have time to spend with her. It’s just work all week and then nothing at weekends, the occasional playdate, but usually the two of us pottering about.
There is no break/space for me. I feel exhausted.
I see no one all week, except brief conversations with Mums at the school gates with their houses, husbands, friends. I know married life can be a nightmare in itself, but I’d give anything to have the stability and security they have, not to mention the support, both financially and mentally.
Please don't tell me to seek anti-depressants or talk to my GP.
I just need to vent.
I've spent almost a decade in isolation. It’s been a constant struggle.
The most depressing thing is that we rent and there's no way I'm ever going to be able to afford a house which kills me - I'm 50 years old in 3 months time. Yes 50. What a complete f*ck up.
I have the threat of notice hanging over me all the time.
I try to keep upbeat for my girl of course and people I see at the school gates etc probably have no idea how I’m feeling.
I want to just walk away from it all.
But I can’t.
I’ve felt trapped for some time.
Lonely.
Stressed.
Hollow.
Dead.
I actually think I’m superhuman for having got this far on such emotional nothingness.
Thanks for listening.