Would it be wrong to move away.

[StartingAgainat31]

I ended our marriage earlier this year due to EA VA and some PA.

I'm in the process of selling the family home, which is situated very close to his parents home. As it is we live over an hour from my family. We obviously moved here for his family as it suited us at the time. I don't really have any plans at the moment. Financially I'm a bit screwed and I'm waiting for shared ownership properties to come up, which restricts me to a large degree. Due to covid, mortgage companies are asking for 15% deposits which is going to be a struggle, even with thr remaining equity in the house.

I'm also struggling on my own to be honest. My parents are early 70's and although they are able to drive across to see me every other week during the summer (I drive over to them the other week) over winter that won't be the case. I dont have much of a support network over here, and would like to be closer to my parents. My sister is also looking to move back from Switzerland to somewhere close to my parents, and I desperately want ro be near to me own family.

However I pretty much 50 50 parent with my ex. I have her 4 nights he has her 3. I know if I move too far away it is going to cause massive issues and he can and will almost certainly make a big deal out of it. But I'm at the point where I'm fed up of putting everyone apart fro myself first. I'm beginning to think I'm just a massive push over. However whenever I question my ex or do things a way he doesn't want to, he kicks up a massive fuss. And I'm certain me moving away from this area would push him into trying to seek greater custody rights over our daughter.

How far is unreasonable to move with a child once the marriage has broken down. It isn't my goal to separate my daughter from her Daddy, or the rest of the family. But I need some support and a just want to be close to people I love. I feel very alone here especially during this period of covid, when I'm working from home and so not see my work friends.

Any advice or experiences would be hugely appreciated.

move. absolutely move to be nearer your family.

however if this goes to court (has it?),the judge will prossiblystate you need to dropoff/picks ups as you chose to move.
however,long term it is absolutely worth moving. you need family support around you

An hour is too far for a 3/4 split and wouldn't be workable when your DD starts school unless his contact changed to EOW. if he was only doing eow I'd say move, as even if you did have to do the travelling, it's not that far but with 50/50 care its difficult. It's early days yet, you may find that he rapidly decreases his days at which point it becomes more feasible.

Split the difference, move thirty minutes away, it will really help you access family support.

the problem with moving too far is when it comes to school she is going to end up with a longish journey on whichever days she's with the further away parent and unless schools are under-subscribed you can't randomly choose one halfway between your houses as you'd not get a place. I 100% get the need for family support but with the best will in the world, if he really is having her 3 days out of four you are getting quite a lot of time "off" and can arrange things you need to do on those days. I think if the contact balance changes and you are doing all bar EOW then I think accessing family support (as I did) becomes more of an acceptable reason to impose a distance.

@HugeAckmansWife but how far away is too far. I was considering a middle ground, and wasn't considering moving all the way over threre, as I have a job over here. I was just looking at moving a bit further in that direction. Combined with the fact I am going to be incredibly limited housing wise, and so will have to increase my search are to find something i can actually afford. I have considered the school this, which os obviously a big issue. But this area is comparatively expensive and I'm going to struggle.

I think 50/50, which is what you basically have, only really works when you live in the same town / area. Otherwise it gets really complicated with things like school and friendships. That said, I totally sympathise with your need for family support, and the practical considerations of affordable property. Do you think the 4/3 day split will continue? Or would he consider EOW, in which case moving becomes more viable? What does your solicitor say?

Could you move half way between so it’s half an hour to your family and half an hour to her dads? The other important part is how it effects her schooling depending on her age.

School is the sticking point. You have to be somewhere that both of you can facilitate the school run to / from if you want shared care and that means really you can't move very far. With catchment areas so small, even a 15 min drive from either side would be likely to put you outside of a 'middle ground' school and shed miss out on the benefits of local playdate friends etc. I absolutely sympathise and live a huge distance from my ex but that was after he showed no interest in parenting beyond Disney dad weekends and I likewise needed family support. But if yours wants and will do his fair share, it's harder

You have 50/50 custody. It would be difficult.

I hope you are not going to reduce his parenting time. EOW is not enough time for most dads.

Do you have a court ordered agreement?

Your ex could apply to a court for a prohibitive steps order to potentially stop your move. You would then have to justify that the move is in the best interest of your daughter and, in truth I’m not sure how what you’ve said would hold up.

I do understand where you’re coming from. We live in a town where we would not live were it not for my step kids. But bear in mind moving opens a whole other can of worms and hand on heart it’s stressful and messy.

The reason you want to move is because you feel lonely not because it's in the best interest of your daughter. You're just selfish. 50 - 50 parenting is obviously difficult if you move. This is not a good idea.

You can’t move an hour away and maintain 50/50 so you would either be taking your child away from her father or taking your child away from her mother. Are you prepared to be a weekend parent?

Also if you’re doing 50/50 parenting you have half the week of no parenting in which you can go and stay with your family if you want.

I think selfish is a bit harsh. No one asks to end up in this situation and she's trying to work out the best for ALL concerned, which doesn't necessarily mean entirely subjugating your own needs. I think he'd have a hard time getting a PSO for an hour or less journey but she'd have to undertake to make it workable. OP two main things to consider - schools and how likely is he to continue with 3/7 nights? A pp said most dad's wouldn;t only want EOW but that's not my experience and he may soon decide he can't bothered to do more than that, at which point you can more reasonably relocate.

It's not harsh to say she's selfish. She wants to move because she feels lonely and can't see her work friends. Is 50-50 still possible when you move far away? It would be difficult.

Her daughter could just go live with her dad. She could see her every other weekend. She probably doesn't want that though.

how old is the daughter.
as she grows into a teenager, wouldn't it be more natural to spend more time with her mother anyway.
she could visit her father at weekends.
better to be based in one place, near her mother;s family, go to school there etc.
in most cases a girl does better with her mother. she needs to build her female identity, and all the issues that arise are best shared with her mother.

i can imagine some outraged responses to my previous, but i have some experience, which i speak from.
and i did say most, not all.
generalisations are generally the case. not always. but mostly.
it just seems like common sense to me.
all other things being equal, ie nothing wrong with the mother.

An hour's drive is nothing. Where I live it's literally half an hour's drive to the supermarket. I used to drive 1-2 hrs to work every day with my children in the car and I have friends who are 5hrs from their exes. You can't be tied down forever.

Have you given 50:50 BECAUSE he’s abusive and you wanted to smooth the waters and not set him off again? A friend has recently been in this situation - agreeing to far more than she wanted, just because she didn’t want more abuse heaped upon her. He was still trying to control her although she’s pushing back now with the help of agencies.

“Best for the child” does not mean seeing its father at the expense of seeing its mother bullied and pushed around.

I’d move tbh. I’m in Scotland and by Scottish law I can move anywhere in the UK without telling him. Ironically it’s HIM who’s moved 400 miles away now...

Would your parents consider moving?

We are 45 mins away from DSD and it's really difficult at times, but her DM now lives close to her family and is much happier than she was when she lived round here - which is best for DSD.