Ridiculous ex and DD

wishywashywoowoo70 · 2020-08-27T16:28:36+00:00

My DD is a massive dick He's been a pain in my ass for the last 8 years since splitting. He's unreliable and bloody useless Over the past few years he's taken a turn for the worse. Criminal behaviour jail time drugs etc etc DD sees him occasionally but that can be months apart because of whatever drama is going on in his life. I've always kept my mouth shut whilst putting up with abuse from for all these years. It's got to the stage now where I've told her I'd prefer she didn't go because I worry about her when she's there. The things she hears and sees are not for kids ears or eyes. I've got a good mind to stop her going there altogether. WWYD?

Original poster

wishywashywoowoo70 · 27/08/2020 17:46

I mean my DDs dad

OP posts:

FatherB · 27/08/2020 17:50

"It's got to the stage now where I've told her I'd prefer she didn't go because I worry about her when she's there."

This is a mistake. Parental alienation right there.

If there are safety concerns then you bring them up with the relevant authorities and if there were drug offenses you could have taken action then.

Telling your daughter you don't like her seeing her father because you worry about her isn't the way to go.

However, you're within your rights to stop contact if you feel she's unsafe just make sure you go through the right channels especially if you have a court order.

If you don't have a court order, is he likely to take you to court if you stop contact?

Original poster

wishywashywoowoo70 · 27/08/2020 17:59

No court order. He seen seen her on his terms since she was born. Turning up hours late or not at all. She asks him now why he's been so long after he's told her he's on his way. 3 hours ago.
He's a bully. Always has been.
Text me last night raging because she's seen her half sister who doesn't bother with him either

She doesn't know hardly anything about what he's been doing over the years but she's picking bits up because he doesn't give a damn what she hears.

I've covered up for him for years but feel it's time to be a bit more honest with her to protect her.

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MollyButton · 27/08/2020 18:00

How old is your DD?
If she is 8 then really she should see her father unless she is unsafe - but in those circumstances what you do depends on whether the contact is court ordered or not. But you saying what you did is totally out of order.
If she is 12+ then to a large extent it is her choice. Again what you said was unwise - because as our children get older they will probably see unsafe behaviour, but having them talk to you about it is a really good sign. You need to listen, try to to react but validate their feelings that things are not good/safe. And to have a secret code that if they text you will come and get them with an excuse (although this is more for with friends, but could be applied to a seriously unsafe Dad).
Your reaction could make her reluctant to tell you things or even cover for her Dad - if she still wants/feels obliged to see him.

Original poster

wishywashywoowoo70 · 27/08/2020 20:04

@MollyButton

How old is your DD? If she is 8 then really she should see her father unless she is unsafe - but in those circumstances what you do depends on whether the contact is court ordered or not. But you saying what you did is totally out of order. If she is 12+ then to a large extent it is her choice. Again what you said was unwise - because as our children get older they will probably see unsafe behaviour, but having them talk to you about it is a really good sign. You need to listen, try to to react but validate their feelings that things are not good/safe. And to have a secret code that if they text you will come and get them with an excuse (although this is more for with friends, but could be applied to a seriously unsafe Dad). Your reaction could make her reluctant to tell you things or even cover for her Dad - if she still wants/feels obliged to see him.

She's 8. I haven't told her anything but she knows it's not normal behaviour there and has told me the kids hide upstairs when the rows start. She's seen her father push his wife out of the house screaming at her. Calling her the C word She's rung me to pick her up because she doesn't like what's going on there I really am not alienating her. I've pushed for a relationship for all these but enough enough. She's old enough now to be affected by the situation there and he doesn't give a shit He's wanted by the police too so that could go down anytime she's there.

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MileyWiley · 27/08/2020 20:15

You need to actively safeguard your child. You've described that at 8 years old she's been exposed to domestic abuse between her father and a partner on at least one occasion, and that he is a drug user - even if not taking them in her presence, the drugs will still be in his system for potentially days after - therefore rendering him not suitable to be a sole carer for her when with him.

Don't put emotional pressure on your child by giving her a choice at 8, step up and safeguard her.

Byallmeans · 27/08/2020 20:24

Stop contact and tell him to take you to court. She shouldn’t be going to such a volatile and chaotic place.

Original poster

wishywashywoowoo70 · 27/08/2020 22:01

@MileyWiley

You need to actively safeguard your child. You've described that at 8 years old she's been exposed to domestic abuse between her father and a partner on at least one occasion, and that he is a drug user - even if not taking them in her presence, the drugs will still be in his system for potentially days after - therefore rendering him not suitable to be a sole carer for her when with him.

Don't put emotional pressure on your child by giving her a choice at 8, step up and safeguard her.

This has been going on for a few months. He's been an actual twat for many years.

Thank you for all your advice.

SS told me I don't have to send her there.
He won't go to court. His other kids don't see him and he isn't bothered.

OP posts:

Original poster

wishywashywoowoo70 · 27/08/2020 22:01

@Byallmeans

Stop contact and tell him to take you to court. She shouldn’t be going to such a volatile and chaotic place.

I agree. Thank you

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tootyfruitypickle · 29/08/2020 21:29

You’re not alienating her you’re telling her what she is seeing and experiencing is not ok. I did the same with my dd, on occasion stopped her going. She’s 12 now and has stopped contact, I said 11 onwards she could choose. Dickheads don’t have a right to see their kids, she’s so much happier now. A lot has come out since as well, she seems to be processing it all now she knows she doesn’t have to see him.

Original poster

wishywashywoowoo70 · 29/08/2020 22:23

@tootyfruitypickle

You’re not alienating her you’re telling her what she is seeing and experiencing is not ok. I did the same with my dd, on occasion stopped her going. She’s 12 now and has stopped contact, I said 11 onwards she could choose. Dickheads don’t have a right to see their kids, she’s so much happier now. A lot has come out since as well, she seems to be processing it all now she knows she doesn’t have to see him.

Thank you.

I've been told so many things about what's he has done my head can't process this is her actual father.

I'm shocked his SK haven't been taken from the house to be honest. DD doesn't ask to go that often as the shouting is ridiculous but there's 2 other kids there. I feel sorry for them

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Whathewhatnow · 29/08/2020 22:31

Please ignore the twat apologist a few posts back.

Parental alienation?? Bwahahaha. Dont talk total crap.
You are 100%, absolutely correct to stop facilitating contact. He sounds very damaging to your DD.

chuffedasbuttons · 29/08/2020 23:40

If he's done jail time then SS should already be involved.
If they haven't, don't let her go until they do.
Ignore him.

Tell her small factual info that she can't go until he is better sorted with his life.

Do not seek a court order in your own right. It is an open door to him to fight for access. If he cares, he'll fight taking you to court and other professionals will assess.

FatherB · 30/08/2020 04:13

@Whathewhatnow

Please ignore the twat apologist a few posts back.

Parental alienation?? Bwahahaha. Dont talk total crap.
You are 100%, absolutely correct to stop facilitating contact. He sounds very damaging to your DD.

Well someone likes being rude to belittle others don't they?

Telling a child you don't like them seeing the other parent is parental alienation.

I even said in my post to stop contact through the proper channels, if this goes to court, saying that to DC is a mistake and you're not doing anyone any favors by pretending it wasn't.

That said op, like others have said get SS involved, they'll likely advise contact to stop anyway and ex might not even fight for contact. Just do it all properly, just in case.

tootyfruitypickle · 30/08/2020 07:21

Just stop contact. I wouldn’t involve any agencies, he’s unlikely to fight. I’ve found involving agencies or court much more trouble than it’s worth.

And what you said was definitely not parental alienation. An example of that is: my ex saying to dd - ‘tooty stole all my money’. Not that you don’t like her going there because of the chaos- that’s just fact.

tootyfruitypickle · 30/08/2020 07:23

Have found SS in particular appalling. Wouldn’t go near them unless you really have to.

Original poster

wishywashywoowoo70 · 30/08/2020 08:57

@tootyfruitypickle

Just stop contact. I wouldn’t involve any agencies, he’s unlikely to fight. I’ve found involving agencies or court much more trouble than it’s worth.

And what you said was definitely not parental alienation. An example of that is: my ex saying to dd - ‘tooty stole all my money’. Not that you don’t like her going there because of the chaos- that’s just fact.

When I rang SS to get advice she wasn't even registered as connected to him. So if anything has happened they didn't know to contact me. They were very helpful and confirmed my suspicious about prison.

I don't need to tell her anything to try and alienate her she sees it for herself.

If I put on here exactly what has gone on I'd be slammed for letting her go there at all.

OP posts:

Carinae20 · 31/08/2020 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carinae20 · 31/08/2020 22:21

Sorry I’ve posted this in the wrong place !!

Light11 · 01/09/2020 06:55

If he is wanted by police why haven’t they caught him?

Don’t expose your daughter to a criminal or unsafe environment but do things properly careful for him not to take it out on you.

HardToDanceWithTheDevilOnYourB · 12/09/2020 10:15

Its only parental alienation if you are LYING to your child that they aren't safe in their other parents care, when you know full well that they are in fact completely safe.

It is not parental alienation to tell your child the truth that violent druggies are dangerous and unsafe!!

Being her father doesn't give him a free pass to never be called out on quite frankly diabolic and damaging behavior.

How in gods name can you teach your children drugs are bad, domestic violence is bad... but for daddy, those rules don't apply and its totally fine! Outrageous!