Wtf do I do now

[dorydoo]

Hi all. In a really awful position and no idea what to do now so hoping for advice/opinions on here

DS is 3 and a half. His dad (exh) has been falling out of his life steadily for the last 2 years or so since the birth of his dc with his gf. There's been loads of issues relating to him and their relationship, but my main issue is his attitude towards DS especially during lockdown and recent events. He hasn't seen DS since February and hasn't even asked after him asking how he is or to call him or anything. He decided he wasn't seeing DS "until lockdown was over" (his words) which I accepted due to safety reasons even tho parents of separated children were still permitted to visit. He was meant to come last month (first visit since lockdown was lifted) but then messaged me a few days before saying he wouldn't be coming as I'd told him he "wasn't allowed to see DS" which wasn't true at all.

I'm just unsure of how to proceed with all of this - DS has not asked for him or even mentioned him once and whilst I know he's still young I think that's speaks volumes. I just don't know what to do with future visits they're basically strangers to one another now and while I know I shouldn't be surprised by anything he does (or more to the point doesn't do) any more I'm just disgusted that he hasn't even bothered to ask after him or anything

Any advice/opinions welcome

I'm sorry you're tied to such an awful
person, OP.

I rarely advocate keeping kids from their parents, but in this situation, next time he asks for contact, I'd tell him he will need to go through the courts as he is a stranger to your son. It's the only way you'll have a chance of him keeping to a proper contact schedule. And I'm not sure how it works, but I'd want contact supervised to begin with. Is been 6 months and your son doesn't know him.

That's if he even bothers to ask again.

Just realised there is a half sibling. Again, I wouldn't want to cut that tie, but I wouldn't want DS immediately flung into a new family set up either. The dad needs to build a bond with him again and then approach the sibling relationship.

I had the same nc after about 1 years so went through courts and contact centre as not happy about him taking child out who barely knew him and he moved away from local area. After a few months of contact centre he never turned up again and never heard from him. It’s horrible but better that than a flitter who comes and goes when they feel like it and the child doesn’t know if they are coming or going.

I wouldn't be chasing , if he contacts tell him contact needs to be built up again due to length of separation.

Don't lie to your ds. You can say dad has cancelled you are unsure why but ig he has a habbit of letting him down Don't tell ji..in advance

Thank you everyone for replies. Few things I will sort of semi answer/clear up....
DS has not seen his half sibling for over a year due to problems with ex's gf (different thread) so he doesn't really know them.... Ex has already moved away from same area as I am living which was about 5/10 mins by car depending on traffic, to live with gf and their DC approx 45-50 mins away..... Also I never used to tell DS when the contact day was or not the morning of cause I never knew what was going to happen - to be fair, he always showed up give or take one or two times due to illness for example....

I'm absolutely certain he only maintains (an albeit minimal) relationship with DS because of his mum and family just to keep up appearances and so he can't be slated for abandoning him

I think you should email him and ask what relationship he wants with ds and tell him you want consistency with contact. Explain its not fair on ds to not know when he will see his dad next. What do you want in terms of contact? I think you'd be wise to get it organised without letting more time pass incase he decides out the blue one day he wants more .

@Delbelleber I have attempted to have this conversation with him several times..... what he says and then what he does are completely opposites he basically just either shrugs and says "I dunno" or he says what he thinks he should say which always begins with "of course I do" eg "of course I care about DS" or "of course I want to see him" but then he goes 7 months without even asking how he is 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Like I said he's only maintaining (minimal) contact otherwise his family would know exactly what kind of father he is (or more to the point isn't)

Just completely lost and I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens.... Ex's mum is still in contact occasionally although haven't heard from her for about 6/7 weeks either

Update for anyone remotely interested.....
Ex came today to see DS. For the first 20 mins DS his from him refusing to speak to or even look at him until he offered to take him out.... he stayed precisely 1 hour 55 mins then declared he was leaving.

I spoke to him about plans and he was just very vague with no co-operation at all so I told him he now either has to step up or get lost. DS wasn't bothered by him leaving and I said it's not fair on him to just pop up every now and again when he feels like it. Then he stormed out.

So basically I have no idea what will happen now....

It is very frustrating.

It is also sad he doesn't care. My point i decided to do something was when ds wasn't bothered waiting for his dad whe he was late.

Leave him to stew on it.

@Starlightstarbright1 it's very sad..... for them anyway. My DS is the same never asks for him or notices he's gone really. When he left yesterday DS just went 'bye' and carried on playing 🤷‍♀️

I am someone who has had to deal with my exH swanning off into the sunset and then reappearing and being a 'Disney dad' so perhaps my experience will help longer term.

I would be very clear with ex now and make sure it's documented, I would suggest email and copy it to a solicitor. Tell him you believe it is important for your son to have a regular contact pattern. I would also suggest you put something forward by way of a suggestion for regular contact. It doesn't have to be much, maybe just one visit a month but stipulate the length of the visit.

The reason I suggest this is so that if in the future he suddenly pops up demanding more contact, you have evidence that you attempted to facilitate the contact and even encouraged it.

From your post I don't believe he will commit to anything and in that case you have every right next time he decides it's convenient for him to visit on his terms, to push back and say no, your DS needs more security in the visits and refer to the suggested contact pattern. Also his new girlfriend can't say she doesn't know the arrangements etc if it's a set pattern.

My dd1 dad was similar ( very long time ago now) it’s painful. It really hurts to know that their other parent doesn’t give a shit. It’s horrible. My dd1 used to sit by the door with her back pack on ready to be picked up and he would never show. That used to kill me off. So I stopped telling her he was supposed to be picking her up. I still maintained contact with his parents though as they were still very good grandparents.

You don’t need to facilitate anything honestly you don’t. I know it will hurt you that he doesn’t bother but let that pain go. This is nothing to do with your son this is all about what a shit person your ex is. I guarantee you 100% when him and his GF split up he won’t see his other kids either. He’s a shit person.

Your ds is at the point her doesn’t care if he sees him. This is good but he won’t suffer with not having his dad there.

I raised dd1 by myself and I did a bloody good job she’s 25 now and flies around the world for her job. Kids dont need disinterested people in their lives.

Does your ds have much contact with his grandparents? And does ex pay CM?

@cherrybakewellll we've had regular contact in place up until last year and it has been tolerable. However last year problems with his girlfriend arose and he reacted by cutting down contact with DS stating he needed to dedicate more time to his other DC (his and girlfriends)

Then obviously beginning of this year lockdown happened and it's gone even more downhill.... He just kept spouting off yesterday about how he can't have any more contact telling me he works 2 jobs, is doing a uni course and "I have got another kid you know"
Yes. Yes I do know cause you told me you were spending too much time with my kid and not enough with yours. He's taken both time and money away from DS to give to their DC and it's just not fair

I just want to block his number and get on with my life and if he does message me next to me contact is due just refuse as it's not in DS' best interests

sounds as though he's not really interested. Maybe it's best for DS to say that he's not around any more (kindly as you can) and cut your losses somehow. It's horrible to be in limbo, more so than to cut ties completely. Do you get financial support?

Yes we still legally own the property that me and DS currently live in he pays half of the mortgage (it is shared ownership) and I pay everything else half mortgage rent charges insurances etc. Plus he pays child maintenance.... he cut that down (again as a knee jerk reaction) during the problems with his girlfriend but once I confronted him about it he soon put it back up

Ah I see OP. Well if he's been given the opportunity for more contact and he isn't interested then I think you just get on with your life with your DS. It's a shame for your son but you've done your best and if his father isn't doing his best, that's not on you.

@cherrybakewellll thank you.

I think that's what I will do I've facilitated and encouraged contact so much over the last few years but all he's done is shy away from it. When he does see him he's completely useless - no idea how to interact with him, no idea what he likes or age appropriate activities or anything. If he has him either just basically takes him to McDonald's or takes him to local family members houses who have kids and let's DS play with them so he doesn't have to do anything.

Like I did he's only keeping up appearances but he can go around and tell everyone that I'm stopping him seeing him and blame me for his uselessness I really don't care any more

@dorydoo I'm a firm believer in karma. It might feel like it'll never come but one day he'll realise what he's missed out on and what he's lost and it'll be too late for him.

Good luck x