Difficult ex-parter, sorting out access etc.

[Sakura03]

I split from my ex last year and we have a 2.5 year old son who lives with me. Most of last year my ex didn’t see much of our son, he struggled to accept the split and kept saying our son would be better off without him. Eventually in March this year he started seeing his son again and he currently has him either Saturday or Sunday every week from 11 am-6 pm. He wants to start having him overnight (they put together his bed and his napped in it). He seems to think he can have him sleepover every Friday-Saturday which means I can never do anything with my son on a Saturday. We recently went to visit family for a week and the weekend before my ex decided he was not going to see our son because he was mad at me (all communication takes place over text, messenger and he can be extremely insulting and manipulative in his writing, if I don’t respond immediately he’ll text insults). He texted on the Saturday afternoon to say he’d pick our son up the following day at 11 am, I reminded him that he’d confirmed he wasn’t going to have him that weekend and as we had made plans it couldn’t happen, I suggested he could have our son both days the following weekend due to us going away, he accepted that but Also demanded that he picked him up from nursery twice during that week to take him to his place. I agreed even though it meant I had to collect from his place and it would be a struggle to get back home in time for his usual bedtime routine. My ex is very up and down towards me but is good with our son but I find it really draining communicating with him and alway dread his texts. When we went away he had another go at me because he is convinced that I’m seeing someone (I’m not!). I sent him a couple of brief texts and some photos of our son from our trip as per his request but he is now asking for pics and videos of our son with his cousins so that he can use them for when he is with our son (he obviously used to know my family, we were together 10 years before the split) but I don’t know how I feel about it. He seems to think his verbally aggressive behaviour towards me is acceptable and when I don’t agree to something (for instance he wanted to come and see our bedtime routine which I refused, I wrote a description but said he would need to make his own routine with our son) he says I should do it for our son. I feel he is using this phrase to manipulate me into getting his own way as he felt rejected by me and perhaps this is some way of getting some control.
Sorry for the long essay but any advice on how to deal with this would be fantastic. If it wasn’t for him being so unpredictable towards me then I would be quite happy to communicate with him but right now I just feel exhausted.

You need to try and get a routine arrangement in place. Typically it would be for NRP every other weekend and an evening in the week. Children will settle into a new routine quickly. This will mean DC will in theory never go more than a week without seeing his Dad.

First step is to try and sit down and do a parenting plan. Do you have someone who could act as a third party for both of you?
If that doesn't work you can then arrange mediation (as long as no domestic abuse on either side). This costs money but gives you an independent 3rd party to advocate for you both.
If that doesn't work its court - £215 and I'd advise to self rep and keep the childs needs at the centre of it (as it seems you are).
I think if it goes down this route you may want to consider the future - when your child starts school how will school holidays be split? Would you consider a midweek sleepover? Should only your work hours be affected or both of you to look after your child?

Once its in black and white its harder to argue with. Yes your ex might not stick to it and not see your child but you know you will have done what you could to facilitate a relationship for your child that had structure and you acted in their best interests.

I think he is going to use your D’s .

I would offer every other weekend and one evening a week .

You need to stop debating - co parenting is 2 parents working together .
He is going to have 2 sets of routines. Do not rehash- you don’t need to reply to anything immediately - I would make a point if not . Ignore anything that isn’t related to dc. You have given him bedtime routine - ignore anything else on the subject -
Don’t give videos . It will be more and more .

Don’t discuss your life at all - it isn’t his business if you are.

My OH has his kids the pattern you are suggesting. Both sides are flexible around holidays and in general it works well

Thank you all for replying, it’s really helpful! It’s so draining dealing with my ex. He was due to have our son on Sunday, 20 minutes before he arrived ds was very excited and packed some toys to take (usual routine when going to his dad’s). His dad arrived and he didn’t want to go, he didn’t want to go in his buggy nor did he want to walk (this sometimes happened to me and I give him the option of walking and if he refuses I put him in the buggy), in the end his dad picked him up and off they went, ds moaned a little but didn’t cry. As I closed the door I had a funny feeling and sure enough a couple of minutes later they were back! Ds was banging on the door for me to let him in and his dad just said “he doesn’t want to come and I’m not having him scream for you while walking down the road”. This has happened before, the first time ds was going to his dad’s house in early June and at the time I told my ex that ds doesn’t get to make these decisions, yes it’s not nice when he cries but he’ll get over it and you distract him by talking about what you see along the way (horses, perhaps a cat or whatever you can think of). I explained to him that this had happened to me too when collecting ds from nursery and he’d shout from the top of his voice that he didn’t want to go home with mummy and sometimes he’d carry on shouting this all the way home (from the back of his bike trailer🙈). The first time it happened I was a bit shocked and embarrassed but now it doesn’t bother me the slightest. My ex said he refuses to force ds to come with him if he really doesn’t want to and that maybe he’ll learn what he is missing out on. I was shocked and said he is not old enough to comprehend and make such decisions so I was not impressed when he once again couldn’t cope with ds wanting me and returned with him. When I said he really doesn’t get to decide he asked ds what he wanted, I couldn’t believe it and in hindsight I should have stopped that and just said no it’s fine and taken ds inside and closed the door. He picked ds up and tried to put him in the buggy but ds was having none of it and I took him inside. His dad left but returned 5 minutes later and asked if ds had calmed down, ds was absolutely fine he’d found his sandwich I had packed and was munching away. However, he came to the door, his dad asked for a kiss which he got and ds then wanted to shut the door on him.
I’m not sure why ds reacted the way he did, maybe because we’d been away for a week, however his dad picked him up from nursery on Friday and he was absolutely fine and is alway very excited to spend time with his dad, perhaps he was just tired, anyway this is about my ex and his lack of ability to deal with a tricky situation.
I’m so sorry it’s so long but am I wrong?? He’s now accused me of talking down to him and making him upset ds... Saying I’m using ds to get my way, in my opinion it’s the other way round, he is insecure and worried he’s not doing a good enough job but instead of admitting it he lashes out. I struggle to see how this will ever change, he seems to think we can be together on ds birthday and Christmas Day (yes I know I’m a bit ahead of myself here) but I don’t want to spend any time with him.
I can’t plan anything as I don’t know if things will go to plan (as in on the day he is meant to have ds).

You need to get a Child Arrangement Order. It will cost £210 but will set boundaries with regards to what days he can and cannot have ds. You have to have a session of mediation first but if he doesn't comply then you can go straight to court

He can't be made to have ds during his time but having your time defined will mean that you can plan things on your days and he can't complain. It will also explain how Christmas and birthdays can be split fairly.

CAO also protects you from him kidnapping ds. If he decides to punish you by not bringing ds back, the police would return ds to you if you have a CAO. If not, you'd have to go to court and that obviously takes time.

I would write an email (not text or messenger in case you end up in court and need to provide evidence) proposing EOW and 1 night in the week where he collects DS from nursery and drops him back the following morning.

DS' reaction could just be down to being overwhelmed so I wouldn't read too much into it....but he needs a routine and for it to be stuck too.