Need help about custody!

[november90]

Hi all, I've posted so much on here I'm worried about boring everyone, but I need advice!

To cut a long boring story short.... husband walked out on me at 24 weeks pregnant. He was very emotionally abusive after the break up... threatened to take my baby away when he was born, Balinese every single marital issue we had on me, attended counciling to lash out at me and refuse to go any further at the first visit, the list goes on! I could write a novel! Anyway we share 2 boys. 1 is 3 and the other is 12 weeks.
Eldest stays at his dad 2 nights during the week and 1 weekend day.

We're currently arguing because he has 1 weekend off a month and he wants DS1 for the whole weekend which has a knock on effect for the week before and prior. I'm not happy to agree it as it messes DS1 routine up and he struggles being out of routine. I'm really concerned about it. Anyway he's just told me that he's got a job interview and as I'm not agreeing to his weekend he isn't going to ask for the same set days off.

I can see this getting really nasty. He's being so petty. My question is, how do you manage/would a court manage childcare if the dad works shifts that change every week? Surely it'll the child couldn't be expected to do something different every week?

I have seen courts ask the NRP to provide their rota for the month ahead by x date and weekly contact to be arranged from that including x amount of sleepovers.

Based on the current situation a court would have ruled in your exs favour for him to have DS (3) one weekend overnight a month. Children are resilient and can cope with change as it would make a new routine. The question is if your ex is abusive is it right for him to be around the children? Would a court order (self rep £215 to submit) be a better path to follow so there is clear structure and rules for all?

Yes. Children can quite happily go on different days. My ex has always worked shifts so as soon as he gets his rota we just work out the days he’s having them. This can be as late as a Saturday for the following Monday. It doesn’t disrupt the children at all. However, I understand how it must stick in your craw that he has been abusive But asking for a full weekend a month isn’t unreasonable.

I think a weekend a month on a regular basis was a good option and probably better than the potential new one of varied shifts.

I can understand your ex not asking for set days if he thinks you aren't going to let him have his son anyway. Flexibility will give him more working options

Unless there are extenuating circumstances, one weekend a month for a 3 year old is perfectly reasonable. I actually had to read the op a couple of times because the hesitance seemed more in keeping if the request had been for the infant (where a whole weekend is not appropriate)

Sorry just to clarify... he has him one full day every weekend, I'm not stopping access on the weekend. I have Saturday and Sunday... if I agreed to this he would be the only person having a full weekend!

*i have Saturday and he has Sunday.

There needs to be compromise on his part also. In terms of weekends it should alternate so that you can have quality time also. Once DS starts school its the only real time out of the school routine etc you'll have. Parenting plan, mediation then court for structure. Court is legally enforceable.

Op
You are at the start of a long long journey
At this stage, with him wanting a weekend with his 3 year old, I would be inclined to agree BUT on understanding he make a change that suits you.

It’s about negotiation and sometimes compromise

So suggest a switch to every other weekend and one evening a week. That way you both get full weekends and he never goes more than a week without seeing his child.

See I wouldn't mind doing alternate weekends but we can't because he works shifts and only has 1 weekend off a month so he has mid week sleeps instead. It's just an absolute mess. All I want is a routine for my children and he just can't see past what he wants!

It sounds like he is suggesting a routine though just a slightly different one to the current one due to his work. If he was saying he couldn't see his child it would be worse

Wouldn't the answer be some variation of:

Weekend 1: he has child
Weekend 2: 1 day each
Weekend 3: you have child
Weekend 4: 1 day each

If your concern is that you never get a full weekend then could the compromise be that he gets the full weekend monthly when he is off work but you also get a different weekend each month rather than your child going there for one of the days?

Starting weekend 1 as the weekend he has off completely and rotating round.

Get a calendar and fill it in so the child can check what's happening for the week (if they're old enough)

@OneMoreLight

Wouldn't the answer be some variation of:

Weekend 1: he has child
Weekend 2: 1 day each
Weekend 3: you have child
Weekend 4: 1 day each

This was my thoughts too.

Thanks guys. Yes I think they are definitely ways to work around this so I feel a lot better! He's currently still being horrible to me and ignoring me so maybe I'll text him some suggestions 😬😬😬