Ex, DD and clothes

[kopinghip]

Hi everyone I'm hoping someone can talk some sense into me please. I'll start by saying my ex always made me feel like I was never good enough.

I always send clothes when my DD visits her dad once a month due to the distance. My DD is 4 and he's only been back in her life for around 16 months. He has another DD who is 6.

At the moment he has taken both children away and he has been sending me pictures and in every picture she is wearing clothes that I presume belong to her sister. In the past he has moaned because I accidentally sent over a pair of leggings that had a hole in the knee where she had fallen over. My DD is always falling over and putting holes in clothes! Her clothes are a mixture of supermarket bought, Next, M&S and H&M.

His other daughter has more expensive clothes purely because her mother can afford it. She is an only child but I have two other children. So he has complained they aren't good enough. I'm not going to buy expensive clothes that get ruined and she grows out of within months.

But yet again it's making me feel like what I provide and send is never good enough and it's got me doubting myself as a mother. I haven't said anything as it'll just turn into an argument and I'll feel worse.

Sorry it's so long and trivial but I always second guess myself when it comes to dealing with him!

How much maintenance does he pay? Tell him he’s welcome to buy his DD’s wardrobe if he doesn’t like what you provide. He’s lucky that you go to the trouble of packing clothes for her.

if he complains about her clothes tell him " not sure why you are telling me. you are free to buy her anything you like"

He sees her once a month for 1.5 out of her 4 years of life and he has YOU doubting yourself as a mother. I'm sure you are fine. He's not exactly dad of the year though is he.

Ignore this stuff as pp said feel free to buy her clothing if you wish .

If the other DD is 6 and she has been bought expensive clothing which lasts longer, it makes total sense that DD4 would wear her hand me downs.

Unless he says something specific just ignore and if he does then what matters is that your DD is warm and comfortable in appropriate clothing. Anything more than that is a matter of personal preference and holes in the knees of leggings means she has been crawling about and getting exercise.

Thank you everyone. Hate always feeling like this when I talk to him. The clothes aren't hand me downs, his ex wouldn't want my DD having anything of her DD's. The 6 year old is a similar size to my 4 year old, my DD is tall for her age.

Surely he should have clothes for her at his house?

Remind him you don't actually need to provide anything for her whilst he has her so if he wants to buy her stuff he is welcome too (and it doesn't get deducted from the maintenance)

He's pissed you both off with those photos hadn't he? 2 birds with 1 stone.
Say nothing. Smile. Give him no power.

Does he pay Maintence?

Well if he don’t like it he can buy her clothes can’t he. Tell him bollocks

He should buy and keep clothes at his house for her. Why are you packing supplies for her? As a previous poster said - tell her he is welcome to buy more hard wearing clothes and keep them at his if he doesn't like what you send her in.

He should be providing the clothes whilst he has her. Stop reading something into it - if he's a snob let him fund that lifestyle.

Detach detach detach...

I don’t see any problem with where you buy your daughters clothes - I buy from the exact same stores.

I have ‘a higher income’ and could afford more expensive stores (Boden, joules, POP etc) but don’t think it is worth it for small kids who grow quickly and get messy every day.

So he’s talking rubbish and you should ignore him OP.

Stop sending clothes. It's his responsibility to clothe her while she's there and then he can't make her feel bad about the clothes you provide.

His contact time, he buys the clothes. You’ve been very generous doing his job for him and clothing her while she’s in his care but if he can’t be grateful he can do it himself.

Why does he only see her once a month? She must barely know who is!

It's simple. Tell him to start a wardrobe for her at his house and stop sending her with clothes.

He should be buying her clothes for his house, he sounds like a complete idiot complaining like that, men like that make me cringe 🙈
Tell him to take some responsibility for her needs when he has her and buy her clothes himself for when she is there, it is not up to you to provide her clothing for when she is at his.

Are you sure the girls aren't choosing to wear each others clothes rather than him doing it? I used to love wearing my cousins stuff when I was small as they had much nicer stuff than me. My nieces are the same.

He may be posting those pics of her not in her own clothes precisely to make you feel "inadequate" OP. Ignore and smile: you're not!

It could be he's done it on purpose to annoy you and older daughters mum in one feel swoop, or it could be the girls doing it.

Either way don't feel bad. Your clothes choices are absolutely fine!

If he ever mentions clothing in future just tell him you will no longer provide clothing and he can purchase some for his house.

I always think it is a waste of money to buy expensive clothes for children who will grow out of them very fast. I would only buy more expensive items for special occasions such as a wedding. He should buy clothes to keep at his place anyway.

Ugh.

All I see here is a man looking like an idiot.
You are fine OP. You’ve done the right thing by your DD.
Now you know that he is more interested in behaving like a dick and you can plan accordingly. And if he doesn’t pay maintenance starting claiming it

We pay maintenance and buy the children all the clothes and shoes they need for at our house. If he doesn't like what you can afford he can buy his own can't he?? Don't let him bully you.