Ex withholding maintenance

[Bamboodeboo]

I initiated mediation last month due to awful relationship my my DD's Dad. He was controlling, mean, unreasonable and still is all of those things.

Long story short, we've both had our separate mediation sessions, now waiting for a date for our first joint one.

I checked my account yesterday and my ex has deducted the cost of his mediation session from DD's maintenance for this month (which has resulted in him giving me just £30 for our DD for the month).

Please tell me if I'm wrong, but surely this is completely unfair?!

Yes it's very unfair! I never even got child maintenance as my ex was a total lier and people believed him. He was self employed so did a lot of cash work. He bought a brand new house while I struggled. I have the last laugh though as I am now happy and don't have him part of my life anymore. Stay strong xx

Of course it is. How on earth could he justify that? Does your DD not need to eat because you went to mediation? Cms aren't being great at the moment but open a case immediately and send an unemotional email. Dear X, maintenance for DD is short by £. Please remit by close of play today. Regards.

Is CMS involved?

If they are involved let them know and let him know that if you escalate for them to collect it will cost him 20% more. Hopefully this is enough for him not to antagonise you and your little one again.

If you are mediating before court, tell him you will request order as to costs so you can recover your expense.

Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself x

@Light11 Thank you for the advice, I feel a little lost to be honest.

CMS is not currently involved. I will ring them today to open a case.

My ex has stopped engaging with the mediators so they have said they are happy to write me a MIAM certificate to say mediation didn't work.

I didn't realise I could cover any costs?

Make sure you have screenshots etc because this behaviour is clearly abusive and shows the way he will use hurting his dc to hurt you.

So basically you and your dc paid for mediation. Your no actually allowed to pay for mediation for the other side.

You can get back paid from cms for a period of time so the quicker you initiate a case the better, make sure you understand how they work. They do take time and they have a calculator that you should be able to use to work out how much you should be receiving.

You can as a court to make an order to costs in relation to the court case (if you are going to court,) in family matters this is not common but there is absolutely no reason for you not to ask for your costs and he should be aware of that, most importantly disuade him from messing you about.

Yes open a case ASAP . I am assuming he pays minimum - although if he is self employed be aware he may well fiddle accounts so he pays far less.

Yes it is all about control with my ex and unfortunately the only way he can do this now is by using our DD.

I don't really want to go to court but this is never going to end otherwise. And now I need to work out how I can manage this month without the £200 that he's withheld!

@Starlightstarbright1 He's not self employed, he actually earns a pretty good wage. He does me less than the CMS going rate as he said if I went that route then he wouldn't be 'flexible' with DD

@Bamboodeboo after I saw this I checked my account and I see my ex hasn't paid.

CMS have just told me they tried to get the money but it bounced back.

So because I got the Non mol to stop him stalking and harassing me he's decided that he no longer has to paid support!

This men are absolute Pricks

Disgusting especially in this difficult times.

Save a screenshot or record of messages and the evidence that the cms payment bounced, this is evidence of controlling behaviour and antagonising you, might come in handy one day.

How easy/difficult was to get a non mol. order? Did you have to self represent or was there police involved?

CMS will only start from the date you call them. There will be no back dating. It is good he is employed. Explain to them he has stopped paying and you want to go straight to deduction of earnings. They will need his address contact number and employment Information and NI number if you know it. And will go directly to his employer. This takes about 3/4 months to put in place. Let them deal with it.

You're better off without him OP and him saying he wouldnt be flexible with your DD shows he is a cunt and actually doesnt care about his DD.

I would get used to raising her as a single parent with limited access. If he starts messing about once you have CMS involved document every thing. Every message, email and conversation then refuse him access to your DD as its not good for her to have him fleeting in and out when he pleases. If he takes you to court then you have proof he is an unfit father. Blokes like him make my blood boil!

He's just dreadful. I've tried so hard to co parent amicably but he just won't have it and I have no idea why. He was fairly emotionally abuse when we were together yet he was the one left me, so I have no idea why he holds such a grudge! The mind boggles

*the one who left me

They do it cause it's all they can!
They have no real control or power!
Low life's the lot of them.

@Light11 yes I self rep, wasn't wasting anymore money that could be spent on my dc. It was a phone call, and it was quite easy enough after getting over hearing their voice and lies.

The judge was very polite but got mad at my ex at the end as he started his Bs questions and crying.

My ex has now stopped Child support so I break the order and contact. All during a pandemic. Well what do I expect from a abusive copper?...
CMS are going to take about 3 months to get it from his wages! This shit is ridiculous

I did get a lovely email from my ex this evening to say that he has withheld the money as he doesn't see why he should be out of pocket due to me instigating mediation. He earns on average 3k a month, not sure £100 would put him out of pocket exactly He's actually withheld double that amount as well! And breathe....

Keep all these messages as evidence.

Christ. He shouldn't be out of pocket so his child can eat? Right. Yes please do keep the messages

I will keep the messages, but what do they prove and who needs to see them? I'm not really sure what I'm doing to be honest

The messages are in case you need to go to Court regarding access issues over your child. They are evidence of DCs welfare being used as financial leverage by exP. If you were married then there is a financial settlement to be arranged too and they will be useful for that.

Get the claim in with CMS asap, on a £3k/month salary you should be getting about £360/month in child support depending on how much time DC stays with him (that figure is assuming every other weekend). Evidence all contact so you have an indisputable record of the amount of contact.

I've now been told that as long as mediation carries on he will deduct his costs from our DD's maintenance. I can't afford to pay for both mine and his. If I withdraw from the process then that won't look good on me. I have applied to CMS but they have said it'll take about 8 weeks to process. I feel stuck

I would contact the mediators and explain what you have told us here.

I would also contact the mediators and ask them to have a word with him (email).

Glad you're applying for CMS. it is the only way with someone like that.

I spoke to mediation and they said what he's done is very wrong regarding the maintenance and they can give him a call to say as much, but ultimately they can't force him to pay me.