Morning - I hope someone here has been through this and come successfully out the other side as I no longer believe I can do it.
Separated and divorced this year, due to emotional and physical abuse by by ex husband. He was a wonderful man (I thought) for 10 years, then behaviour changed very suddenly. I have sole care of our young children and they see him for a short supervised contact period once a week.
We have just been through a 2 week hearing to establish facts of allegations. He essentially countered every experience I've had - eg where he assaulted me, he claimed I assaulted him. We don't get a judgement for a month on whether allegations are upheld, which is hard to bear. I think that of the judge doesn't find for me, its as if all the things he did to me never really happened. Abuse is confusing and he gaslit me so much, I doubted myself for a year and thought I deserved it, caused it and was responsible for it because he "didn't intend to" harm me.
After 2 weeks in court, I'm exhausted on every level and feel dirty and ashamed. Reliving it was very painful. I dont have any support as I'm living in a foreign country and he won't let us go home. On days like today, I dont feel I can get up and keep enduring. There is no end in sight. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and I know that whatever the legal outcome he will pursue me for life because he is a person who needs to own and control. My children face a future of uncertainty and what is certain is that he will continue to manipulate them to cause harm. I wont give up, but at the same time I dont have the strength to keep going as there will be no positive resolution. Please can someone tell me it will work out. I'm so weary.
To compound matters, I hate myself because I miss him very much and am grieving still for our family and marriage. I feel disgusted at myself.
Thanks.