Partners ex is difficult to deal with... advice??

[AnonymousStepMum123]

Hi,

I am needing advice on how to deal with my partners ex and her controlling his access to his own kids. I may come off sounding bitchy but I have watched my partner suffer through her manipulation for 2 and a half years.

I’m not going to go into too much detail but basically when they separated she came up with the idea to co-parent which seemed like a good idea for the kids. She has since then done everything but co-parented as she has completely controlled when he could get his kids, what he could do with his kids during his access, what he couldn’t do with his kids during his access and even who he could see with his kids during his access. Now some of this may seem reasonable if it was a discussion, which it was not. She has on multiple occasions threatened him with no access if he couldn’t follow her rules. She brought up the discussion of moving away with the kids to him claiming that it could be “years down the line” to which he agreed that they would talk about it but saw no problem with that and then about 6 months later she announced that she was moving her and the kids to live with her boyfriend 160miles away. She gave us a deadline of just under a year for the move which left us feeling better about it since a lot could happen in a year and we would have time to get ready but then she moved up that deadline by 6 months and thought that the best time to tell us and the kids was while we were on holiday. Since the move we have been meeting halfway to collect the kids and because of the distance we can now only see the kids 1 weekend a month or risk my partner having an accident behind the wheel because he is exhausted. After most access visits she will send a very lengthy email discussing our access and will list exactly what we did wrong and what to do to correct it, again threatening to cut access if we don’t comply. When the lockdown was announced we agreed with herself, for the very immediate weeks following, that we wouldn’t be able to see the kids. However this lasted 2 months and even when we managed to get access she would only allow it if my partner would drive all the way to pick them up on a Friday and drive all the way to drop them off on a Monday. We agreed because we wanted to see the kids but again this left my partner with the stress of driving 640 miles in the space of 1 weekend so we had to limit when we saw them. She will constantly throw out the “your welcome to them any weekend you want” which makes us feel guilty that we have to choose the see them less in order to enjoy them more. Thankfully the kids have been wonderful during everything and the eldest especially knows they whys for certain things but to make it worse there are certain things that the kids have picked up on that they know will get us in “trouble” with their mum and I don’t think it’s right that a father should be so worried about doing the wrong thing instead of just enjoying time with his kids.

Please offer any advise you can and also please tell me if you think I’m reading too much into it.

Thanks

can your partner get a train to the kids??

is it possible to move nearer to them?

if she refuses access you could try mediation. Does he pay CSA?

We are looking into trains as an alternative but unfortunately it’s the cost we don’t like. Yes he pays child maintenance. We have thought about moving closer but we would be moving away from all of our family and going somewhere unknown to us and we wouldn’t have a guarantee that it would change anything

You are in a very typical Scenario, you paint your dp as a victim and her as the abuser.

She probably feels the opposite.

And all that is going to happen is more of the same.

You feel as contact involves you as well, a lot of ' We' and as much as you are part of it, What actually actions do you see your dp doing? Without your help and involvement.

Besides complaining and moaning what has he done really?... can't drive to much may crash, can't afford the train not enough money. And I know you think this app wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't for her but this is the situation.

I don't say this as a RP bashing new gf's, I say it because I was in the same boat. And once I stopped supporting, my amazing dp stopped contact and I was actually able to see how useless he was.
We separated then and he hasn't seen our dc in 6 months. Again he's full of excuses.

His best option is to book an AirB&B up there ( book in advance for cheaper deals) and have contact in her area or 20 miles out. Then have longer periods through school holidays at home.

He should of applied to stop the move but you may be passed that but he can recoup or lower the amount of CMS for the additional travel.

Your painting your partner as if he isn't capable of doing a long trip to get his kids. I'd travel anywhere to see my kids exhausted or not. She probably feels like it's you two against her as that's what this post comes across like so it maybe making her insecure about her position as mum and it's making her be more controlling. If I were you I'd let you partner deal with it.

If the ex does take the children half way to meet their father then that’s fair. It is unreasonable of her to nit pick and complain about the things they did when with him. Would Mediation help?

I'm another who has been there and thinks you are too involved.

As it was the mother who moved court may say that she should be the one to do the travelling. I have heard cases where the travel cost can be deducted from maintenance. Both of these are things to look into for your OH, not you.

I've been there as well. DHs ex is utterly utterly toxic. She moved 200miles away and lied to court and CMS. Social services involved etc etc.

I am involved and despite what MN says, it IS my business. DH has a 400mile round trip this weekend and has to go. DSC lives full time in MY house under MY rules and sees her mum rarely(her choice).

No, trains are not an option, Air B&B has been organised etc.
DH also has a brain tumour and gets a few mins warning that he is about to blackout. (DVLA says he is safe to drive).

So before anyone else says it is none of OPs business, unless you know the circumstances, some new partners actually DO have to get involved.

If she was meeting you halfway, that's only 80 miles there and then back again, maybe an hour and a half each way. Many people commute that each day. When their dad had them twice a month, she was doing all the parenting 24/7 26 out of 30 days. Personally I think that's a lot harder than driving a familiar route, presumably on motorways where you can just put on the radio, listen to an audiobook whatever and then chat to the kids on the parts with them. You can't look at the travelling in isolation. That is ONE part of the parenting package and she does everything else, every school run, every sick and inset day, every activity, childrens party etc.
I moved a distance from my ex after he chose to leave and be an EOW parent. (I wouldn't have moved if he has been more involved) I needed more affordable housing and family support. Pre lockdown, he did all the travelling to see them. I will happily do 50/50 when he does 50% of everything else. Maybe you should think of it in those terms.

This could have been sorted from the start if your DP had spent any time whatsoever looking into the legalities of things. Had this gone to court, his ex would have been told she was not being reasonable to dictate this and that and it would all have been knocked on the head. Court need not cost more than £215 not finances are not an excuse. He has done nothing and here you are trying to sort this for him instead of him taking control himself of his relationship with his chilldren. Anyone can drive that distance without being exhausted. I used to drive hundreds of miles each week commuting despite working 12 hour days. He's not much of a father from the sounds of it.

I think you may be too involved. I say this as a step mum myself.

This is for your partner to work out. By all means support him and offer advice by all means but ultimately he has to sort this out for himself.

@Redkatagain your telling me that you have the DSC in your home full time and the op see's these dsc EOW at most and you are the same?...

You situation is clearly different. The OP is too involved and you can see that from what she wrote unless a drip feed is coming.

And yes we can't judge all Step parents the same but we can comment on what was written.

It's worse that you are supporting the Op just because you both have dp with bad ex's from what you said you do a hell of a lot and aren't the same.

160k is too much for everyone involved not the least the children, Id be getting a prohibited steps order if it were me, stop the whole thing in its tracks.

Yes. I am saying it's the same DSC decision to move in is relatively recent. Before that it was a weekly 100 mile round trip x 2 every weekend.

I went then and I was involved then as well.

The fact is that OP asked for advice and my comment is to sympathise and to say that some mums do weaponise their kids to enable getting at the exdh without caring about the effects on the innocent kids stuck in the middle

You would be better asking for this to be moved to the step parenting board - many SP have been through the same & can advise.

So the ex looks after the children 24/7 335 days a year, doing all the school runs, play dates, gp, dentist, illness, shoe shopping, sports days, nativity plays etc and you expect her to do half the driving as well?

640 miles over a weekend in a modern car is not excessive. It wouldn’t stop me seeing my dcs.

This is your dp’s issue, not yours. He is the parent and these issues can be resolved through the court.

@Mintjulia

So the ex looks after the children 24/7 335 days a year, doing all the school runs, play dates, gp, dentist, illness, shoe shopping, sports days, nativity plays etc and you expect her to do half the driving as well?

640 miles over a weekend in a modern car is not excessive. It wouldn’t stop me seeing my dcs.

This is your dp’s issue, not yours. He is the parent and these issues can be resolved through the court.

I will say again, this IS the OPs business. 640 miles is up to 11 or 12 hours driving. Any reasonable person would realise that.

As for all the rest, how do you know the mum does all that stuff. Some don't.

Just because you do those things doesn't mean every RP does. Dh's ex didn't.
I remember the 100 miles round trip to school plays, parents evenings for 2 DSc after a full day at work because DSc mum who lived less than a mile from school and didn't work, couldn't be bothered.
I also remember the 100 mile round trip and a day of my holiday to take 6yo DSc to the GP because her mum couldn't be bothered and I (not DH, because DSc asked for me- girl issues) got asked by her school after her mum refused.
The point is that you might be the perfect mum/parent. Not all are. Don't just assume based on your own experiences.

I think most 'normal' rps do do all that stuff it's just the stuff you have to do as a parent and as I said upthread, it's why I resist attempts to get me to do 50% of the travelling because I do 100% of everything else. 11-12 hours driving is tiring yes, but in a comfortable modern car, on motorways, its not a Herculean effort over 3 days. No we don't know every detail of every NRP and RPs situation or level of input but it's pretty obvious that if the nrp only sees the child 4 days a month, the RP is doing all the say to day stuff.

She is being unreasonable, i would strongly suggest your dp speaks to a family solicitor and perhaps takes her to court for access to stop the messing about.

She is not allowed to dictate what you do, who you do it with etc

She moved 160 miles away, had your dp done that then everyone would be telling you that is was his responsibility to do the travelling as he moved. She needs to meet half way at the least and a court can compel her to do that.

In the short term I agree with above, look into airb&b and the like to reduce the travelling, it will give you more quality time and hopefully be less tired.

@Glitteris makes good points.

my x doesn't see much of the kids and it's all always my fault! he made up a little spreadsheet of how much he's spent visiting them! He's very conscious of that. He does contribute but seems to see that as proof that I should bring the DC to them, which I have done many times but he basically has a balance sheet in his head the whole time whereas I was a single parent living in near poverty for a decade or more and I just knew that I was going to be continuously broke for a long time.

I think you should take a step back OP. A large step back. Don't facilitate anything for him. Watch and see what he DOES.

If your DP is that bothered he needs to do something about it via a solicitor.

Typical new gf who think his ex is to blame! One day OP you will learn, but until then stay out and mind your own business.

Typical new gf who think his ex is to blame

You think a woman that's been with her partner for 2 and a half years is a 'new girlfriend'?

I’m curious as to how people think a court can order her to meet half way? What if she just refuses??

Tnat sounds absolutely horrific. She sounds like an absolute horror of a woman. That's a hell of a drive! Anyone who says they'd do anything to see their kids obviously don't have obstacles like this in front of them.

I have no advice to offer but offer my sympathy that your husband has this to deal with

It to mention that must be miserable for the kids having to do all that travelling so mum can shack up with her boyfriend.