Tips for coping?!

[Jackeroosmum]

Hi mumsnetters!
Bit of a plea for help here really. My husband and I separated in January, he moved out at end of February. He always used to work and live away from home for majority of our 16 year relationship. I work from home 4 days a week and one day in office usually and my job is fully worked around me being able to do school run etc.
Anyway when we split he asked for 50/50. I agreed as thought it's the right thing to do for kids. But they only did about 2 weeks 50/50 and even then it was just sleeping there, I did all school runs and 4/5 days homeschooling when that kicked in. And the kids weren't happy and wanted more time with me.
So we now do EOW and one night a week. But on his weekends he always asks me to join them and even tonight he asked me to go out with them and I can't say no to seeing my kids.
But.. the point of this thread is because I'm actually so exhausted I can't really cope. I'm sat in the bath in tears because I just need a rest.
So any tips for managing? I work 5 days a week from home and have 2 kids (5 and 9). No family locally (although my dad has come to stay for a week but I still do everything around the house obviously) and friends won't help due to Covid.

Being a single parent is utterly exhausting. He's inviting you because it's hard work parenting. You need to put your foot down on his time and say you can't come because you have plans. The kids want you there cos they feel safe with you and because it's nice to have mum and dad back together- they may even hope it becomes permanent- but you need to put yourself first a bit. If you burn out you're no good to anyone

Agree with PP- put your foot down. Tell him you can't come over this week. If you can be honest with him, tell him you need to time to catch up with yourself, you want a bubble bath and a glass of wine. You want to catch up with girlfriends on zoom. You want to defrost the freezer and scrub the floors. Whatever you need to do to recharge yourself, do it!

If you can't be honest with him, tell him friend x just called and her car has a flat battery and you're going to drive out to give her a jump start. Tell him that he needs to start setting the foundations for his new relationship dynamic with the children now he no longer lives in the home.

Now restrictions are easing could you arrange a night out with a friend or family member? It might be easier to say no if you make plans you want to keep.

It sounds like your ex and children are happy with you being there all the time so they aren't likely to suggest a change. If you need things to change, you need to be the one to change them.

Good luck, be strong and enjoy your night off!

Thank you both. I told him no last night and went to the pub with a friend. Because of this, ex was a complete dick to me last night, but I feel a lot better this morning so it's a win for me!

He will start being more of a dick lovely because you're not saying how high when he asks you to jump. He can sense he's losing his control over you. Keep it up and stay strong. Given how good you feel after one night out, imagine how good you could feel if it becomes a regular occurrence

Woo-hoo! Well done you! He was probably being a dick because he was tired and grumpy (probably the first time he's realised how tiring looking after children actually is!)

You need to cut his control out if your life so well done saying no. It might take a few more no's before he stops asking but he's controlling you through the kids so that he can have an easier life.

Good for you OP putting your foot down! Agree completely with PPs, you must protect that time to yourself and consider it an investment in your physical and mental health, or you will burn out. I work full time five days a week from home now, but pre-covid was in the office three days per week and two from home. Daughter is with exH eow. No family nearby and with housework, school run etc it's a busy life! My weekends 'off duty' are absolutely sacrosanct and there have been plenty of times the ex has texted with questions as he learnt how to actually parent, or suggested a "family day out". Like your ex he worked away all the time. Look at it like this: by giving yourself a proper break at the end of that two-week cycle, doing things that make you happy, things that enable you to relax and have a laugh, you're making yourself strong again for the next fortnight. Stick to it!