Protecting my child from the truth ..

[Starlightstarbright1]

I see lots of threads a that talk about never talking negatively to dc about another parent and to be.

My Ds left with me to move to a refuge when he was a baby . He hasn’t seen his dad since he was 3.

He is now a teenager - we had a tantrum the other day - turns out he just thought he didn’t see his dad because we didn’t get on .

So I have had to give him far more detail than I ever planned - he had to know we left for his protection where I have always said I thought we would be happier living separately .

I had to explain how he let him down constantly, how he took me to court then decided not to bother.

We have had some very difficult conversations this past week . I actually think initially shocked but happier for knowing the truth.

I am left wondering if actually not been direct about his dad has damaged us in some ways.

Not necessarily posting for advice but wanted to post there is another side to not been negative about the other parent when they have let them down badly

i agree with you OP. Sometimes children (at a good age) should know the truth.

i do not agree with badmouthing parents growing up, e.g daddy is mean and shouts, what does daddy say to you when you go his, or mummy isa liar - that sort of thing. Not acceptable

but yes - i agree kids should know the truth. Why protect the person?

glad your son is happier OP

Hi op, I think this is so hard. The advice given to adopted families where there is difficult stuff in a child’s past is always to drop in the truth from toddler years in an age-appropriate way

I think it good you had an honest discussion now and would definitely keep the honesty going in an appropriate way

Really sorry you are having to deal with all this

I think you need to be careful. It's not about lying, it's about how much truth a child needs and can deal with.

For example, leaving an abusive relationship and then telling your child that their dad is an angry man who is dangerous isn't a good idea BUT also saying he is perfect in every way is also not a good idea.

Now with that said what to actually say is difficult.

leaving an abusive relationship and then telling your child that their dad is an angry man who is dangerous isn't a good idea
Why? What happens if they hero worship a false idea and/or seek to find that person in secret at a later date?

@FatherB

I think you need to be careful. It's not about lying, it's about how much truth a child needs and can deal with.

For example, leaving an abusive relationship and then telling your child that their dad is an angry man who is dangerous isn't a good idea BUT also saying he is perfect in every way is also not a good idea.

Now with that said what to actually say is difficult.

Obviously at 3 I wouldn’t have said that , I have never lied but shielded my son from the reality of what a dangerous man he is.

The reality is they fill in the gaps themselves - my Ds had googled if he was a rapist, thought he was a drug dealer , in prison ... No idea where these ideas came from so he made up his own version of events - he has been living with these doubts .

As a teenager who now has access to social media - I do need him to know he could well still be at risk if he goes looking. He wasn’t allowed to see my Ds unsupervised prior his absence - my Ds was too young to understand that or remember.

There is an element though in his mind I was the bad guy when I should have been the secure person I should be for him.

@MissJacksonIfYoureNasty

leaving an abusive relationship and then telling your child that their dad is an angry man who is dangerous isn't a good idea Why? What happens if they hero worship a false idea and/or seek to find that person in secret at a later date?

The problem is that a child hearing that can create all sorts of scenarios. Imagine if a child started believing all men were like that or that their father was going to come and get them and beat them or any and all sorts in between.

Its not my place to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't say. I don't know what I'd tell DD in lots of situations but it's important to think about the implications.

I also agree saying daddy did nothing wrong is bad because of the hero worship aspect. I just also believe there's a point between daddy's an angel and daddy's the devil that is appropriate.

OP I think you can say more when children get older and perhaps with an absent father when DC is a teenager that's a good point to tell a full picture? Children are complex though, one child might just have been fine with everything the way you dealt with it to begin with whilst another (like yours) might need to know the details.

It doesn't mean what you did was wrong or that another method was right. It just is what it is.

I absolutely agree that some children are fine and don’t care , a neighbours Ds had no contact and was completely unbothered , uninterested has grownup happy - runs his own business . I just wanted to put it out there that at times protection is not always he way forward.

I never said Daddy did nothing wrong but I think because i didn’t tell him anything he made it up.

My son is adopted and only had contact with his birth mum and doesn’t remember his birth dad. He knows there names and knows “they couldn’t keep him safe”. That’s enough for now. If he asks for me details as he gets older, I’ll tell him (in an age appropriate way). No bad mouthing, just the facts. I think it’s important that he understands his story, why he doesn’t live with his birth parents and that he is now somewhere safe. Drip feeding from a young age means there isn’t a shocking moment when it comes out or their own narrative.

Your son will need a lot of support to help digest all this and it’s time to answe all his questions