My ex didn’t want his kids during the lockdown. Now wants them again!

[Emz2019]

My ex didn’t want to see the kids during lockdown. Our children are 10 and almost 10.... yes there is just 1 year between them. We broke up before our second child was born, so he’s never lived with them from what they would Remember and he’s been In and out of their lives so many times making up excuses about working away so can’t see them, he’s married with another child now, the other child is 5. So he said at the start of lockdown he doesn’t want the kids over incase they bring the virus into his home where his 5yo lives as he has asthma! But it’s ok for him to work 5 days a week! I told him the kids are fine they have been in the house not been out, the government said children with separated parents should still move between both house holds. He wouldn’t have them no matter what. The kids got upset and angry. My daughter said she wants nothing more to do with him, my son is a bit on the fence, so now suddenly he wants them for the weekend! My daughter didn’t want to go or even speak to him, so iv told him no he can’t just pick up where he left off in February which was the last time he bothered with them, he hasn’t even rang them or video called them. He then told me I was being spiteful..... i said it’s took me months to settle the kids back down after he refused to see them, especially my son who was crying for days begging me to take him to his dads house and leave him on the doorstep so his dad would have no choice but to take him In! Iv told him this can’t keep happening as it also happened last summer and he refused to see them for 3 months saying he was working away until we bumped into him at a shopping centre!!! This is a big mess and I don’t want my kids being dropped like that and forgot like that until it suits him. I want stability for them and Iv also told him solicitor this and she agrees. She’s not working at the moment because of COVID. What would you do?

Stick to your guns. Support your children's wishes. He can take you to court if he wants but then he'll have to stick to whats decided.
When my now 16 year old was 2 I told his father he's in or out of his life. I wanted father in ds life but consistency was important. Unfortunately father didn't want the same and since age 2 has seen him twice. Ds knows what happened I have every visit documented and understood my reasons. He's also very grateful now for putting his needs first (although there was a time he didn't understand). He met his father a few years ago father was still not up for regular contact and ds said he'd rather father not be in his life at all than be messed around. Meeting his father as a teen actually helped see what type of person he was and he became much more contented with himself after this.

That's horrible for your children. His new partner & child are obviously his priority.
I agree he can't just rock up and expect to have them when he wants.
He sounds quite flakey & I would respect the children's wishes - so DD doesn't have to go but DS can? Sadly DS will always be let down & it's not good for a child.

I would start again but make clear arrangements and saay that they need stability and it needs to be clear what is happening. i get why he wasn,t wanting to mix households if child had asthma.

To be honest I would say you were being unreasonable if he had still been ringing them and keeping in contact. Some people have chosen to take lockdown very seriously and I do think it is understandable if there is a vulnerable person in one household. However, he does lose the benefit of the doubt for not having been in touch, there's no valid excuse for that. I would tell him you would encourage video chats and phone calls but they just don't want to come at the moment. He needs to put the effort in with them if he wants them to want to come.

I wouldn't make your daughter go and see him but if your son is still desperate to see him then I would let him. It will be heartbreaking to watch but ultimately your son has to reach his own conclusions about his dad.

I agree with you . Tell him if he is bothered he can build up slowly with video calls , then visits , however this seems like too much effort for him

Last year he didn’t see them all summer so he took all summer off to spend with his other child and didn’t want our 2 children over at all. Excuse after excuse. I told him to get a solicitor and write down set days and times. He did, the solicitor was understanding that he had messed the kids around and made him promise me and the kids he would not do this again..... now he’s just rang my daughter and she’s in tears over him

It's awful that this isn't the first time that this has happened.

I would respect my DD's wishes. She is at an age where a judge would take her feelings into account. It's horrible that she was treated like this and I'd understand why she'd want to avoid being rejected on a whim for another child.

As for your son, I'd be worried sick about the next time he was going to be dumped but I wouldn't be able to stop him going

My ex did this. Decided lockdown was too tough and risky for him,, and he didn't come to see ds for 13 weeks. Now he's decided unilaterally that seeing ds involves too much driving and he'll do 9 hours every two weeks.

I've let my ds (11) decide whether he wants to see his dad or not, with the proviso that if ex arranges to visit and then doesn't show, I will intervene. Thankfully (or sadly) ds is not that bothered if his dad doesn't show up.

The best way to deal with my ex is to send him a bill for £75 babysitting service for the hours he didn't show. My ex is tighter than he is lazy, so I manage it that way.

In the long run, I expect ex to disappear completely.