What's your contact arrangement?

[ButtonHogger]

Would you mind sharing your contact arrangements please?

I need to set something in place, I can't go on with him visiting the DC at my house almost every day, it's ruining my mental health.

For context, I am RP, 2 DC ages 7 and 2.

That's not a sustainable solution. Poor you. Contact every other weekend Friday teatime to Sunday teatime. Many parents do a midweek tea as well (not at your house) but my ex can't be arsed with extra so just does eow.

Is there a reason he doesn’t see them at his own home?

Mine is the opposite end of this. Absent for 3 years with no contact, now he got back in contact he only wants to see them every other weekend for just the day (no over nights), how long ago did you break up? Why is he coming daily?

Around 13/14 hours a week over two days. But I've insisted the dc start sleeping over at his.

It's great he's seeing the dc everyday but he really needs to have time away from you with them.

Is he wanting to reconcile with you? Why doesn't he take the dc to where he's living?

Parent A - Tuesday 9am - Wednesday 9am & Friday 9am - Sunday 5PM
Parent B - Sunday 5PM- Tuesday 9am & wednesday 9am - friday 9am

There is often scope for variation if one parent needs it. Both parents have opportunity for 1 week holiday and 5 day holiday minimum throughout the year. Christmas is shared between both, alternating the morning wake up each year and making sure both parents have time on christmas day for presents etc.
This is with a 8 year old and vaguely the same arrangement has been happening since roughly 1year old.

Why is it that your ex is coming to your house to spend time with the children and how long has this been going on for?

EOW. Saturday morning until Sunday teatime. If he can be bothered.

Every other weekend fri-sun until DS was about 12, then sat-sun. Reduction was to give DS the chance to see friends on a Friday night ( also worked well with Ex's work schedule)

A year ago (aged 15) it moved to once a month to acknowledge DS wanting to be with friends more/studying towards his GCSE's

Now, aged almost 17, it's become flexible, no set expectations but ex asks DS if he'd like to go over every other weekend - the weekends he also has his other children. That's just started so will see how that goes

I certainly think you need to get into a routine OP, I think a normal routine is EOW and maybe a midweek visit, holidays etc. My ex never really bothered with anything more than EOW

Sorry I should have included the back story re: why DC don't go to his house.

He left me the day lockdown began. Completely out of the blue, nobody expected it. We were, as far as I knew, really happy. He's the last person anyone would ever expect to do this. Said he had been unhappy for a few months, he had never spoken to me about this and so I've never been given an opportunity to improve things. No sign of any OW at all. He moved in with his family (parents, siblings, their partners), some of whom were working in close contact with covid patients who subsequently passed away. We decided it was safer for the children to stay at home.

I think he was also feeling guilty about taking the children away from me and leaving me alone. I don't think he feels that way anymore.

I hate this whole situation, I feel my future has been snatched away from me. I have spoken to my GP this morning who has prescribed Sertraline(?). I feel that now is the time to start getting the ball rolling with lockdown being lifted.

I'm dreading the future, DC's birthdays and Christmas - why should I miss out on these times with my DC when I've not had any say in this. I know that's selfish of me and I'm sure I will eventually come to terms with it, I just feel so sad, angry and frustrated.

When he is here I put on a happy face for the DC but inside it kills me.

I'm so sorry I'm rambling on, I just needed to let it out.

It's only natural to feel the way you do. I'm a few years in and I still hurt at the thought of having time away from the children. Especially for those special occasions.

You need to grieve for the relationship and the future you thought you had. Be kind to yourself. And in time you will adjust. But for now. Just go Day by day.

It's good you have the support of your GP. Gather good people around you and vent away at them. They will. Want to be supportive.

unicorns thank you for that post, I really needed that. I don't know why I suddenly feel like this. I was managing so well and it's hit me like a tonne of bricks this last few days

@ButtonHogger yeah I still get days like that. Kids need a routine and regular contact so that you can all plan your time And make arrangements. I pushed eow from The start with the over nights. Ex thought he would just pop in and out around his social life. It wasn't easy at the start but I built a life around volunteering and friends. Kids haven't been at their dads since Christmas for a few reasons. So I need to get use to it all over again, now I feel like I'm back to square one again. But know we will all be ok.

We are 50/50 and do:

week 1: Monday/Wednesday/Saturday/Sunday
week 2: Tuesday/Thursday/Friday

Drop off and pick up from nursery during the week so just handover on a Saturday.

unicorns you're giving me hope, thank you!

Lau that sounds like a straightforward arrangement. I'd prefer not to go 50/50 straight away and I don't think he'd suggest it anyway, but I'll definitely keep your arrangement in mind if so.

Is there space for your children to sleep . If not then contact can be at his house but no overnights till he can sort that .

What works for you depends a lot on both of you . Do you work? Do you both have fixed days off ? I would always put alternate weekends in there so you do get a weekend of quality time.

It will also give you space to refocus at the moment you get no space at all

I don't think there is space for overnights at the moment but I'm happy with that. I'm just not ready

We do both work Monday to Friday, EOW will be OK eventually. I'd say a couple of evenings but he finishes work at 5 and the DC are in bed by 8pm so I don't know how that would work, he wouldn't get a lot of time with them on those nights.