Stuck on communication

[Narmum]

Narmum

I’m really struggling as I have split from my ex over 2 years ago and we are going through court procedures. In September we go to a dispute resolution appointment and we are only arguing about how we communicate as he want me to go through third parties eg his new partner. She has impersonated my ex before and caused a lot of trouble as doesn’t pass messages on so am I right to keep fighting this or should I just agree? Be nice to hear honest opinions about this sore subject smile

Can you use a comms book? Write down anything he needs to know, and he can do the sam. That way you don’t need to speak to each other or go through a 3rd party.

I used this with DD’s dad and I when things were volatile at the beginning. Things have calmed down now so we can text again. But it really helped.

I would suggest email - one or both of you can setup addresses just for this purpose and only check it when needed if yiu"re worried about harassment

The problem is he is saying I’m stopping him talk to our 4 year old as I offered every other day at 6pm and he only wanted every Wednesday at 6pm To talk over the phone.
if we switch to theses methods provided it still doesn’t solve the communication between dad and son which I do want to happen.. should I buy a new phone so he can call that and say we can communicate through email to solve all these problems?? I’ve blocked his partner number.. Thank you for your quick responses x

His new partner isn't really a 'third party', is she? That seems highly inappropriate.

I can't understand what he's talking about re: talking to your 4 year-old. You offered every other day at 6pm but he only wants Wednesday at 6pm? Is Wednesday at 6pm a problem for you? I assume not since every other week you would have been offering that time anyway. If you want him to speak to your son more frequently unfortunately that's not something you can control.

It sounds like it would be very useful to have a separate number to use for these phone calls, making quite clear this phone is turned off in between contacts.

In terms of more general communications I would agree with Lois suggest you both set up email addresses purely for communication. It's up to him whether he checks it or his partner does, or both of them.

You would need to provide a phone number through the courts in case of emergencies, just FYI. Or at least that's what happened for me and my ex.

You can still use that number I suppose but you should be checking it regularly just in case he needs an urgent response for something. I'm not sure of a specific example, maybe atm if DC was with him and then he got coronavirus? You'd need to know. How often you answer is a different matter, but make sure you do answer (appropriate questions)

Thank you for responses..
so he is saying to the court that I’m stopping him talk to his son on a Wednesday and he’s partly right as his partners numbers blocked (due to her never passing messages on etc etc) and that’s the only phone number he uses.. I have his telephone number,
HIS number is not blocked so will a court make him go through his phone or should I just unblock the partner and let him go through her phone? I am blocked on his number Too...
so that’s why he can’t talk to his son on the Wednesday As I’ve blocked his partners number but he could easily ring of his phone if he really wanted to talk to our son as I’ve never blocked his number.. Sorry to offload not we’re in court in September and just need to know if I’m bro g petty or not.. I was more than willing to go through his partners phone not she just doesn’t pass messages on or there is a massive delay which doesn’t benefit our son

Also he is constantly turning up late, what is reasonable time to wait before I make other arrangements due to working or simply my son waiting around for him?? Thank you

No, he uses his own number. His partner is nothing to do with you and so you’re more than able to block her.

As for being late, I’d give him half an hour to allow for traffic etc, and then not answer calls or the door, if he hasn’t let you know. You’re not preventing contact, your son is available at the specified times.

Please make sure you keep thorough nit’s regarding all lateness, issues etc including date and times and what happened. You’ll need it for evidence.

Thank you I thought I was in the right they’ve only been together 8 months so I’d be more inclined if she was More of a long term figure in my sons life.. I have never blocked his dad and from what I can see she is controlling and paranoid of me hence why communication has to apparently go through her...
I wouldn’t of minded but she doesn’t pass messages on plus in a emergency I do not want there to be a delay. As there not always together due to work commitments.
Thank you for the comment aswell about lateness this weekend he was 1hour and 58 mins late he should pick him up at 5pm..
He then turned up at 6:48Pm
my 4 year old had fallen asleep so said please come back at 8am the next morning with this he flipped out on my doorstep and I called the police...
Also does anyone know what evidence I have to provide at the second hearing? (dispute resolution appointment?) Any info would be greatly appreciated?

I think i'd be wary on the late thing. I don't think it can be used against you if he's two hours late but it's a grey area as to where that line is and his reasoning. I think my understanding is you have to make DC available during the time period they should be gone, not just at the handover time but obviously a reasonable judge wouldn't expect you to wait around for 8 hours...

I might be talking out of my arse though tbh, i'd definitely give it an hour or so though just to cover myself and push ex to let you know if he's going to be late. Record every time he's late and use it when/if you need to.

I would be very cautious about every step of contact, your view will never be the view that your ex shares in court and you need to be able to show that you did as much as you reasonably could be expected to do, ideally to a degree where his whole account breaks down because it doesn't match up.

This is why I often don't agree with some hard stances advised on here because when that goes to court and ex says their side, the resident parent then has to defend themselves rather than laying out everything they did to encourage contact they have to defend why they discouraged it.

I might just be wrong on that but that's the side i'd always rather be on.

The lateness here was compounded by the fact the child had fallen asleep for the night already. That suggests the pick-up time is too late, although clearly his timekeeping is to blame. I'd be very reluctant to wake a sleeping child to bundle him in a car but I don't know what view the court might take. I'd suggest he picks him up first thing in the morning rather than so close to bed time.

With the phone, I would have a second phone available during the scheduled contact times. Her insistence on him using her phone, and then you blocking her number, is all designed to create the impression of a feud between you two women when the problem is him. If she wants him to call his son from her number and he agrees to that, that's up to him. I'm not suggesting you unblock her, but provide an alternative number making clear the phone will be switched off outside contact hours.