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Original poster

Ex taking DS away without telling me

21 replies

ChoooChooo123 · 18/07/2020 23:24

Have awful relationship with my ex, all communication about our DS is through a family member of mine due to abusive messages from him.

He has DS this weekend, Friday to Monday. Asked if could have him until Tuesday as they wanted to do something Monday evening. I said yes ok.

I was talking to a mutual friend today who said it must be nice for my DS to have a trip away. I asked what they meant and they said that my ex has taken DS on a mini holiday in the UK. I asked where, they weren't sure on exact place but thought it was around 7 hours from where we live.

Is this ok? I would never stop my ex from taking DS away but I have no idea where he currently is?

Please tell me if I'm being silly Blush

OP posts:
FatherB · 19/07/2020 01:27

I think he should let you know morally but i'm not sure if this is something he has to do. Once he has DC I think he can do whatever he wants without letting you know as long as it isn't permanent, harmful or leaving the country? I might be wrong there though.

Especially if the relationship is as bad as you say he probably didn't want to say what he was doing in case it turned in to some big argument. I'd maybe have a word when he gets back, and say in the future to let you know, and that you know things are tough but you're not going to stop little holidays, you just want to know roughly where he's going?

That would seem reasonable to me anyway.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/07/2020 01:45

I don’t think he has to legally.

How old is DS?

Mintjulia · 19/07/2020 08:48

If they have stayed within the UK, he doesn’t have to say anything.
It would have been polite of him to tell you, and it would have helped with clothes and kit - ie things for beach or mountains etc, but legally he hasn’t done anything wrong.

If your dc says he had a good time I’d let it go. Pick your battles

Original poster
ChoooChooo123 · 19/07/2020 10:34

DS is 4.

I guess I'm just a bit upset that he lied as to why he wanted him longer - he could have just said we're going away for a few days! I've never stopped him from doing anything with DS. If I take DS on holiday, UK or abroad, I always get a message to ex to let him know, just in case something happened. I was just hoping for the same in return I guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChoooChooo123 · 20/07/2020 09:40

My ex has now messaged family member and said they are going to stay a bit longer so won't be returning DS until Friday. Is this allowed? I'm so upset as I had plans with DS for Wednesday.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 20/07/2020 10:04

Is your contact time court ordered?

Original poster
ChoooChooo123 · 20/07/2020 10:23

@ineedaholidaynow unfortunately it's not

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 20/07/2020 10:32

There’s nothing you can do unfortunately unless his contact is court ordered. If you do want specified times then a child arrangement order via the courts could be something you look into.
Could you speak to him and explain you had plans for Wednesday and see if he will be decent? Where is it they’re staying? Surely if a hotel or holiday let they would’ve needed more notice to extend the booking?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/07/2020 10:37

He has the same rights as you have. The difference between you and him is common courtesy, which you aren't due him either.

I would suggest getting contact court ordered if the relationship is bad enough that you don't talk. It let's everyone know where they stand.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 20/07/2020 10:37

Were you married? Is he on bc? Are you resident dp?

FelicityPike · 20/07/2020 10:42

If nothing is court ordered and he’s on the BC then there’s nothing you can do, he’s parent as much as you are.
Maybe time to seek legal advice about getting contact times ordered.

Original poster
ChoooChooo123 · 20/07/2020 10:52

Thanks for your replies.

I'm resident parent, we weren't married, ex is on birth certificate.

I have a sneaky suspicion that he'd booked for a week from the start and has lied about it (he'd of had to book annual leave as I know he was supposed to be at work this week, not sure how easy it is to 'add on a few days' when you're already there etc).

Have explained I have plans with DS on Wednesday and was told sorry but they won't be back until Friday so that's tough.

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 20/07/2020 11:15

I suspected as much re the original booking being for the week.
I would seek legal advice so you can have contact on specified days to avoid this happening in future. Means you can both make plans in advance.

endofthelinefinally · 20/07/2020 11:21

I agree that you should get legal advice and get court ordered contact. You ex has discovered a great way to control you and destroy any plans you make. It will only get worse. I imagine he will escalate when it comes to school holidays, exams etc.
If you post on the relationships board there is lots of good advice there.

HardToDanceWithTheDevilOnYourB · 20/07/2020 13:23

There nothing you can really do about the holiday but there would be nothing he could do about you taking LO on a UK holiday either.

Not bring LO back at an agreed time is really out of line. But again unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that either.

Get a court order or you will always be worrying and distressed about whether he's going to bother to return LO and stick to agreements or not, it also makes it impossible to ever plan things as when you are constantly forced to cancel at the last minute you give up trying. Unfortunately this is probably exactly what he is aiming for, disrupting you and causing you as much worry and stress as he possibly can, then when you justifiably exhibit frustration or distress you will be portrayed as aggressive and irrational, honestly... bee there done that, do your absolute best not to react, as hard as it is, you will be playing into his hands if you do.

Good luck, my ex has failed to return my LO on so many occasions and each time I think it will make me stronger but tbh it gets more frightening. You're not alone. Big hugs

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 20/07/2020 13:39

Child arrangements orders are not covered by legal aid unless you have well documented history of abuse. If you are unable to provide this and a lawyer prohibitely expensive - the norm these days is to apply to the court directly and self represent.

It really isn't at all difficult. Especially as you are not refusing contact. Just wanting it regulated.
You need to go to HMCTS website and download a C100 form and accompanying notes. Fill it in and pay your £215. (Sliding scale of fees down to zero if in a low income. Download the help with fees form on the same website) You will be asked to go to mediation but this can be signed off if ex is abusive - not the same level of 'proof' required as legal aid. You go to your hearing (a bit of an wait at the moment ) and say what it is that you want. If the judge considers it reasonable you will get your order.

So for example you can request that contact with his father is between x time on Friday evening until y time on Sunday evening every other weekend and From x time every Wednesday at school pickup until 7.30 pm.. 7 days at Christmas, 10 days at Easter and 3 weeks in the summer . With parent sharing half of each half term. (Just an example you say what it is you want) If granted then this is what he has to stick to. That way your plans cannot be dicked around with.

Bare in mind though, a child arrangements order does not compel him to have your child. The order will just say YOU as the resident parent must make him available for contact. He can choose not to make that contact . However he will not be able to force you to hand him over outside the stipulated times.

The new list for legal aid is here https://assets.publishing.service.go v.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachmentdata/file/885447/EvidenceeRequirementsforrPrivateFamilyyLawMatterssguidanceversionn_10.pdf

Original poster
ChoooChooo123 · 20/07/2020 16:43

Thank you! I'd booked to take DS to the zoo on Wednesday, so not only have I lost the money I've also used a days annual leave for no reason. I was so looking forward to it Sad

OP posts:
carly2803 · 20/07/2020 21:52

no advice OP - but hes a prick isnt he. That is very childish of him not to actually tell you,and then extend it.

Has anyone actually directly told you they are not back until friday?

id ask the police to do a welfare check tbh if you know where they are. I dont understand why SOME men are like this. Just be decent and communicate with the x

carly2803 · 20/07/2020 21:52

no advice OP - but hes a prick isnt he. That is very childish of him not to actually tell you,and then extend it.

Has anyone actually directly told you they are not back until friday?

id ask the police to do a welfare check tbh if you know where they are. I dont understand why SOME men are like this. Just be decent and communicate with the x

carly2803 · 20/07/2020 21:52

no advice OP - but hes a prick isnt he. That is very childish of him not to actually tell you,and then extend it.

Has anyone actually directly told you they are not back until friday?

id ask the police to do a welfare check tbh if you know where they are. I dont understand why SOME men are like this. Just be decent and communicate with the x

FatherB · 21/07/2020 23:35

Tbh when things are on bad terms I wouldn't message the ex about where we're going. It's not worth it, no upside and lots of potential bad sides. Also I don't know when they go to different places. I think it depends on what the baseline is. However, for a mini holiday I probably would share that info, purely because i'd be requesting more days and so would say why... and then extending that further with the mother having no choice is a definite no.

Like I say morally he should have told you but in case you need to tell the court or the police for whatever reason focus on the biggest points. He took DC for an extra 3-4 days beyond the agreed upon time despite your protests and already having plans.

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