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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

When is enough enough

16 replies

newmummy474 · 13/07/2020 13:13

My baby’s nearly 6 weeks old and has to be registered soon. I thought I’d like her fathers name on the birth certificate but I I’m starting to think I shouldn’t.
I don’t think he cares about it anyway, I’ve told him he needs to sign it before 6 weeks and he hasn’t mentioned it since (nearly 2 weeks ago).
father and I are not together, i actually only seen him once since finding out I was pregnant. I told him about all scans and appointments and he made no effort to attend any. He never contributed to anything for the arrival of our baby and still hasn’t.
He does ask if she’s ok daily but is this really enough? Nearly 6 weeks old hasn’t met his own baby? Hasn’t even asked if she needs anything?
I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, when is enough enough? I don’t want my baby to ever think I didn’t make an effort to include him in her life but I’m starting to struggle with the fact he hasn’t bothered to see her, I’m nearly certain his family doesn’t know about her either.
I was thinking of just sending a message with a forwarding address if he ever wants to contact her because I can’t speak to him everyday anymore.
It breaks my heart that I was stupid enough to fall for someone like that, because I was stupid my baby won’t have a father.
Financially I’m comfortable, I don’t need/want anything from him. I just thought he’d at least come and see his daughter.
I just don’t know what to do I don’t know how to approach this situation I just know I can’t keep doing it

OP posts:

RandomMess · 13/07/2020 13:19

I think stop updating him or reduce it to once a fortnight/month but if that is upsetting then yes give him a forwarding address.

Please claim maintenance from him even if you save it up for a uni fund or her first car etc as that is at least evidence that he did do something for her and he can't easily deny her existence to futures partners.

Original poster

newmummy474 · 13/07/2020 13:39

@RandomMess thank you for replying! Reducing updates is a good idea thank you!

Yes I thought about that and I think it’s a great idea. I was under the impression he would have to be named on the BC? I’ll look into it.

Thank you!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 13/07/2020 14:18

No he doesn't need to be, if he denies paternity they order a DNA test and if he is the father he has to pay for the costs of it. At a later date he can go to court to gain parental rights but that won't alter her name.

Faretunme · 13/07/2020 14:39

I went to court but did't give the child the name of the father..

Original poster

newmummy474 · 13/07/2020 15:52

@RandomMess thank you! I haven’t got a clue how it works and I just feel judged anytime I speak to anyone or I get the ‘oh just block him it’s not worth it’ It’s hard to do that when it’s your baby’s father.

@Faretunme

OP posts:

Original poster

newmummy474 · 13/07/2020 15:55

@RandomMess is this how it works through the CMS? Or how would you agree on an amount?

@Faretunme I don’t want to give my child the fathers name either. How does it work through the court? Is it a long process?

Thank you both and sorry for all the questions!

OP posts:

corlan · 13/07/2020 16:07

If he's not involved, do not let him come to put his name on the birth certificate. This automatically gives him parental responsibility, which if he's not involved in your child's life, can cause you lots of problems down the line.

I'm really sorry, it sounds like he's not bothered. Having his name on the certificate is not going to make him be a decent father.

Original poster

newmummy474 · 13/07/2020 16:14

@corlan thank you for replying! I thought about that a lot and then I thought maybe it’s better he be on it but clearly not.
I think part of me thought if he has to come sign it then he’ll at least see her but that’s stupid too.
Thanks again for your reply!

OP posts:

Finals1234 · 13/07/2020 16:17

@corlan

If he's not involved, do not let him come to put his name on the birth certificate. This automatically gives him parental responsibility, which if he's not involved in your child's life, can cause you lots of problems down the line. I'm really sorry, it sounds like he's not bothered. Having his name on the certificate is not going to make him be a decent father.

I would absolutely agree with this. If you add his name is has parental responsibility for your child and that ties you to so many legal problems down the line if he should turn nasty.

Don't worry too much about your baby, my three have a feckless and near-absent father but are thriving.

HollowTalk · 13/07/2020 16:21

I really wouldn't give your child his name. He's only seen you once since you got pregnant - he's hardly going to win a dad of the year award any time soon.

Give your child your name and chase the hell out of that man via CMS.

IamMaz · 13/07/2020 16:23

I thought he had to register the child with you to get his name on birth certificate? Hence automatically being assumed to be the father?

Original poster

newmummy474 · 13/07/2020 16:35

@Finals1234 thank you for replying! I’m so glad to hear that, deep down I know she’s better off not knowing him and just having me.

@HollowTalk thanks for your reply! I’ve just emailed the registration form to the office with just my name. And I’m going to look into CMS now! Would I be best speaking to a solicitor about it?

He also has a son from a previous relationship whom he seeks regularly. I’m nearly certain the rest of his family don’t know about my daughter should I tell them? It’s so hard to know what’s the right thing to do!

@IamMaz yes I’m under the impression that’s what happens

OP posts:

Finals1234 · 13/07/2020 16:55

You don't need to speak to a solicitor regarding CMS. Just phone them directly and they will set up a case file for you and guide you through the process.

Original poster

newmummy474 · 13/07/2020 17:02

@Finals1234 oh right that’s much easier than I was imagining! Thanks

OP posts:

averythinline · 13/07/2020 17:35

Yes get CMS sorted ... it's good for the child.. regarding his family do you know them personally??? Are you connected .... if so they will probably find out.. if not how would you communicate with them and what would be the purpose???

If he hasn't told them he's not likely to step up ... if he has they're maybe not too bothered as haven't been in touch ....

You need to think about yourself and your support... he has shown by his actions he is not there for you

netflixismysidehustle · 15/07/2020 12:47

Stop wasting your time chasing him.
He knows where you both are but is choosing to do nothing. It will be hard explaining this to your dd in the future but for now you should focus on your life with her.

If he changes his mind then there's a legal process where he can be added to the birth certificate but considering that he needs to give a damn first, it's unlikely to happen.

It's not your fault that he's not interested and incredibly unfair that he contacts his son but not his daughter but you can't force him to be a Dad.

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