dealing with the nightmare...

[Debra1981]

okay ladies, the time has come for me to accept that my violent alcoholic ex is likely to get unsupervised contact with dd (15 months) through the courts (according to my solicitor), as yet its still in a contact centre (as this can't unfortunately go on indefinitely). help! i don't know how to justify this to myself in my head, it's insane but inevitable, i just want to know how to find peace and acceptance with this situation? it's worse now than before we started at the contact centre, because she's growing up, becoming more aware of her surroundings, and therefore imo more mentally vulnerable. and more mobile (still unsteady on her feet) and curious thus able to do things that he might get angry at. help?

Sorry debra but I would still be fighting this at every turn. Gather evidence of his behavior and present it to the courts

The solicitor works for you so go back and ask him what is he doing about it to stop your ex getting this access, I dont think you will accept it and it will grind on you when he has her, is it more hours he wants or just the chance to have her own his own ?

where are all the decent solicitors giving me hope that continued third party supervision is possible (i don't trust his family to supervise, nor for any of my family to supervise him without being abused themselves)?? I first contacted a solicitor a month after I left ex, last August, that first one did not arrange the contact centre as intially asked until i had been assaulted twice and i(!) had been told by the police to stay way from him! the next solicitor, reccommended by a so-called dv counsellor(?) was adamant that i should accept mediation, and face manipulation and further abuse to make him feel better. this latest one was reccommended by the local police dv unit. she's quite sure there's no point expecting to continue at the contact centre after we've been to court next month. feel like i'm banging my head against a brick wall.

Just found this online have a read and see if it is any use for you

www.gos.gov.uk/497745/docs/307792/483440/475571

It says on there that the level of supervision may be reduced in a planned way after a professional assessment has been made, so have your ex been assessed ? then it goes on to say that some go on to intermediate level of supervision, escorted outings, or unrestricted contact, whilst others will always require the security of full supervision, so is your solicitor pushing for constant full supervision ?

he wants her on his own, to do activities that they can't do in contact centre (go to pub?), he wants to take her to his house, (with his drunkard 'mates'), and for her 'to see his side of her family' (including his mother, who apparently beat him as a child, and who, although seeming to have the most influence over him, has already proven unable to deter him from drinking during morning contact visits with dd at her home). however all this seems to me to suggest he does also want more than the current 2 hours per week. is it really that hopeless? am i being unreasonable in wishing it could stay at the contact centre indefinitely because these men DON'T change?! he's making out i am because 'there have been no problems at the contact centre'. ok so he hasnt been stupid enough to assault me again because he's being watched. but his attendance has been atrocious and he's certainly bent the rules about notifying staff before leaving (dd in) the building to come and harass me in the carpark, before leaving the site with dd stil unattended!

blimey Tinkerbel thanks for the link mucho how did you know about that? the solicitor has basically told me that if i try to insist on contact remaining at the centre, i will be seen as simply bitter and obstructive and my concerns will not be taken seriously. she seems to be suggesting that i accept some less-supervised contact from the outset, to be probably wittles down to even less supervision. i feel like a doormat still. My mum's still banging on about how i should've accepted mediation. madness.

oh yeah, do you know what sort of assessment that is? i'm quite sure he hasnt had it. should i ask for it through solicitor or is it done automatically by courts?

I just googled and thats one of the first things that came up, I dont think your solicitor is very good as it seems she doenst want to do any of the leg work, I would print off that pdf file and take it to her and ask her to action it, she really dont sound like she is on your side unfortunately, I think that assessment would be something that your solicitor could push for.

Good luck, Debra.

gonna need some luck now, solicitor (who didnt seem too keen anyway, evidently) has just dumped me. my fault for not paying attention to money stuff, benefit got unexpectedly dropped just as public funding was going through and she thinks i was trying to scam her. i am a prize prat, so embarrassed, annoyed and lost. i've started a new mantra, this pain is only temporary, which is making me feel slightly better, although there'll be something new in a week once we've been to court. got an appointment with yet another solicitor tomorrow (this is getting silly), not even sure if they'll take me on given the circumstances. feeling like giving up the fight and letting him have whatever he wants.

awwww Deborah can the court case not be put back ? maybe ask the new solicitor tomorrow as im sure he is going to need time to get to know you situation.

sad how my vague suspicion that a solicitor with 'real' private money already in their pocket works better than ones waiting for retrospective payment from public funds seems to be right...
ok this one was talking on roughly the same lines, but she was a lot more thorough and reassuring about being able to uphold a number of conditions on the contact, and aiming to get me and him to communicate amicably regarding dd only (which is going to be necessary in the end to be fair). she's left me to think about a couple of points, including would i be prepared to swap mobile numbers with him to be used only in case there's a problem with attending the contact ie running late. thinking about it he did have his own hotline to me a while ago on an old mobile of mine 'til he started being abusive with that... i'll have to see if i can show her some of the nice messages he sent me. I do feel better now but think i'll still feel on edge until we've been to court, at least.

hmm, just found out former friends of ex went to see him fairly recently and found him smoking crack. don't know anything about it but i think thats even worse than alcoholism- something else to worry about. will just have to let the solicitor and court know. don't think it will change much tho.

Hi Debra. If I may give an opinion, I think you should take notes about your ex-h. You must write down every single little think he does WRONG, and when, and in front of whom, etc. When you go to court you must have facts and friends to testify his lifestyle anh way of living. You must register all in a note book in order to use it later against him. It seem ugly doing it but if you want to fight for your child you must use all the means you can remember.

goodness crack that is something the he will be dependent on and will smoke it whenever he needs a fix and if thats when he has access to your child then he will do it, I think you should be seriously be taking this further, maybe the courts can send him for a drugs test to be sure.

Message withdrawn

just an update, new solicitor offered little hope, and for some reason were not even able to enforce supervision by one of his relatives. i did give up. at the court it was ordered that with immediate effect he could take dd from the contact centre and have an extra half hour for travelling to his and back. in december we will alternate taking her to his house and having her collected from home. with an extra visit for christmas of course. he has made an undertaking to the court not to take alcohol or proscribed drugs during or for the 24 hours before visits, and not to take dd into pubs. of course he knows full well, it'd be nigh impossible to catch him at it without him getting me done for stalking first. the first week was horrible, his first words to me in months were 'you can keep the changing bag today, we don't need your rubbish any more'. then after they'd left i sat in my car and cried with worry for her, before going to his house to check they were there (just drove past). last week i decided that there was nothing i could do, i just had to suppress my fears and concerns, and as long as dd returns happy and ok, most separated mums dont ask for more, and i have nothing really to complain about.