Struggling single parent

[KAB1291]

Apologies this will be a long post... reading back after writing I'm not sure what the point of this post is, whether it's for advice or just to get a load off my chest 😔

My baby's dad (30) left us in May when he was only 4 weeks old. He has never given me a definitive reason but I think he was struggling and didn't realise how hard being a parent would be - especially during lockdown. I love him very much, but since he left he has been a different person, so incredibly hurtful and mentally/verbally abusive. I've been suffering from PND and he knows this and is using it against me.

For the first week he would come over and take the baby to his mums to spend time worh him and bring him back at bedtime. I'd take the baby and he would go into the spare room and I wouldn't see him again till he picked the baby up the following day. We live in a joint tenancy which he will be keeping on by himself, however I've been unable to move out due to lockdown - however we will be moving in August now that I've found a home. We moved into this home in March which is away form my hometown and closer to his work and family. I'm very much alone over here with no support.

He now hasn't seen the baby since 4th June and refuses to give me any money/food/nappies etc for him. He has stayed at his mums since then and never come home.

I contacted CSA, however they have confirmed he is self employed and has never declared any income to HMRC for several years so they cannot deduct money if he isn't making any (even though we know he is). I've since reported all evidence I have to HMRC but I believe it will take months before anything is done about this. So I have no hope in getting money from him that way. Citizens advice have just told me to keep checking in with CSA.

I've claimed for universal credit but because the father is still legally living here (tenancy/council tax) they can't process my claim. I explained that I've been unable to move due to lockdown etc but they have advised that the rules are very strive recently as so many people were claiming single parent when this want the case. I understand why they have these rules but I'm so angry that I genuinely need help and can't get it.

He has also left me to pay all of the bills for the house even though he knows it is a lot more than I can ever afford. Bills are roughly £1200 and I'm on mat leave making £600 - I'm not a genius but he maybe don't add up!) He has text several times to say he would give me money when he gets paid, so I've borrowed it as I needed it, then he doesn't give me it so I've got myself into a bit of debt as a result. A mistake I won't make again.

He has also got a loan that I am guarantor for (mistake number 2)which he hasn't been paying and I'm unable to make the payments as I don't have any "disposable income" however they have informed me that they will be proceeding with court action this month, likely resulting in a CCJ which will HUGELY affect my credit.

His mobile contract is also in my name (silly mistake number 3) and he has an outstanding bill of £80 but he refuses to pay it and just went and got a new SIM card and left me with the contract to pay. He has told his mum not to give me his new number so I can't even contact him.

His mum calls/texts every day about the baby, and I have no problem of her involvement with my child. I don't expect her to have any involvement in our relationship, but I am very hurt that she knows the situation of her son not seeing/paying for his child and doesn't seem to bother about it.

I'm so stuck and I honestly don't know what to do. I don't have parents who can help me out. His family are very wealthy and I feel so bitter and angry that he is living a life of luxury at his mums, drinking in their new bar, chilling in their new hot tub and I'm skipping meals so that o can afford to but nappies for me child.

I feel like such a failure that I was so silly as to being a child into the world with someone so heartless. I can completely accept that he hates me and never wants to see/speak to me again but how can he do this to a baby?

I'm so sorry this is such a long winded rant but I really don't know what else to do at the moment I feel so trapped 😭

This sounds awful and he sounds cruel and has taken financial advantage of you. Could you tell his mum what you've told us? Perhaps she can get through to him.

Tell his mum you are touched by her involvement but hurt that her son has left you in debt and tell her what debts you have taken on for him. Explain that if he doesn’t pay up you will have no option but to move back near your own family. In the meantime ask for financial support from your own family just to clear one months bills and put notice in that you have left the property and thereby he has to pay for it as you are off the tenancy.

His mum knows every little detail of whys been happening between us which is what's making me really angry and hurt. Why is is okay to watch her grandson suffer when his dad is "living his best life"!
She has stayed that she is feeling like piggy in the middle and wants no involvement as it is making her so stressed and ill.he has put her through A LOT in the last 3-4 years so I understand why she wants to take a step back but I would have thought that the maternal instinct would have kicked in and she would have had words with him.

I don't have a lot of family and none that can help financially. I have handed my notice in with the estate agent now that I can move out - but this will likely be into temporary accommodation from the council as I can't afford a private property x

I'm so sorry to hear. You haven't failed, your ex is shit.
My daughter's dad was also hopeless - helped v little practically and financially. As soon as I gave up on him the easier it became. I had to build up my own support network, and go back to work much earlier than I wanted to. But it all turned out really well in the end. I have a brilliant relationship with my dd and she is now a successful and sorted young woman. Don't look back

Thank you for your kind words.
I think when I am moved out of here and have a home for the two of us I will feel a lot better but right now I'm so snowed under with stress. Every night the baby goes to bed I cry inconsolably.

It feels like every avenue is a dead end and I worry that I won't be able to provide for me child.
I've looked into childcare (as I don't have friends/family that will be able to help) and it's just too expensive to make it worth while me going back to work x

Have you asked his mum directly for the money he owes you?
Could you say something like "I know you dont want to be in the middle but I am actually in the position of not having enough money to buy nappies and food. He has left me with a mobile contact, a loan he took out and all the bills. You know he has done it. Since he lives with you, and refuses contact with me, then it will be much easier for you to get the money repaid from him. Would you loan me the money and then recoup from him, since you know he owes it"

Yeah, one of the main reasons I agreed to the loan is that she said she would cover any missed payments.
Hi ever my ex isn't on great terms with his step-dad now (mainly because of the way he acts and treats his mum) and he has put his foot down and said no. It's causing arguments that he is staying there so his mum has said that it would practically end her marriage if his step dad found out she was helping him financially again. There is no way she would be able to give me money without him knowing as she doesn't work so all of the income is his and he would question where the money was going/what it was for x

They're all as bad as each other.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Once you've moved out, and get UC etc then you will be in a better position. It's just getting there that will be hard.

Let's assume he wont pay the phone and loan, and he wont pay back the money you will spend on bills. It's not fair; he is a dick but it sounds like this will he the situation.

What steps can you take now to limit the damage? Set up payment plans; ask for payment holidays. Explain your situation. Usually people who want your money are willing to talk and arrange suitable plans to help you pay it. Do what you can to protect yourself from any further fees by calling them all and setting up whatever plans/delays they will agree to.

The ccj should be against both of you not just you

The phone is yours not his demand the return of the phone

Is the tenancy in both names? Does he live there at all?

Universal credit should be paying half if he is there and all if he isn't you just have to say its an untidy tenancy

Yeah the CCJ will be against both of us, but he is remaining in this property as it's already confirmed so won't really affect him 😔

He broke the phone and had to buy a cheaper one to use with the sim so not worth anything really. I called Vodafone and they have confirmed that I will be allowed to terminate the contract as soon as the outstanding balance is paid. But god knows when that will be.

Yeah the tenancy is in joint name until 3rd August when it will be solely him. No, he hasn't been here for about 6 weeks but out of choice, I have moved myself and the baby into a smaller room so that he still has a bed if/when he did come back.

I explained all situation to UC however the decision was made not to award me anything. I will obviously put a change of circumstance when I move out but until then I'm in a very difficult position x

What a mess. His mother was probably just as ineffectual when she was bringing him up so he has no sense of responsibility now. If they are ‘very wealthy’ she is talking rubbish that she can’t give you the money that her son owes for the phone bill for example. Or make him face his responsibilities to his child and pay what he owes.

Are Vodafone saying they won’t cut the phone off?

Yeh, 90% of his problem is that he is spoiled. Never had to deal with anything real in life because his mum does EVERYTHING for him. I've told her this so many times but she just laughs it off and tells me that I will be the same one day.
I'll definitely make sure my child has the best that I can possibly provide, but I'll also make sure that he is grateful and appreciate of what he has, as to avoid him being anything like his father is.

Vodafone have cut the number off, but he just got a pay-as-you-go sim and put it in the phone x

This is heartbreaking OP. Can you go in temporary accommodation and move back to your hometown to be nearer your family? Who’s name is the flat in currently? If it’s his I wouldn’t pay the rent. I hope CMS manage to prove the father of your child has an income.

Well then demand you have the stepdads phone number and tell the stepdad he’s not giving him money he’s helping you, an abused woman, and a child and that if he doesn’t then the grandmother gets no involvement in the child’s life, as I said before say you have family elsewhere (although make it clear they are poor! and will be forced to move away

I am furious with both of these people. I too would get hold of the step father and explain the situation to him. You can’t keep facilitating a relationship with your child’s grandmother knowing she’s helping keeping you in debt and poverty.

The step dad is also aware of the circumstances. When I have discussed issues with him previously he had actually asked me what I expected as I have seen the way he treats his own mother so how would he have any respect for any other woman if not her, and this is completely true.
They have both stated that if they help me then the dad will definitely not pay me back as he knows they will "bail him out"'of his problems yet again. I completely understand why they are doing this, although I'm heartbroken that I'm the one that's suffering from their (too little too late) tough love approach.

The issue I have with the Granny is that we have been friends for many more years than I've known the dad. He used to live away and I've never met him until she introduced us last year. I have a part time job in her salon, and despite the current situation, she has actually been very good to me. This makes it ver very difficult for me just to cut her out of mine and my child's life x