Please cheer me up! Scapegoated :-(

[JeSuisPoulet]

A "friend" yesterday decided to ask me to "stop all contact" with her partner as she "found it weird". He had asked me to their house to help fix dd's bike, I presumed because it was my birthday, to help. I had zero idea he hadn't actually checked this with her and she thinks I should have asked her as well...they are both working from home.

Background: when she was pg with #2 he had to leave work as there were accusations of him messaging students, so he moved jobs before it became "formal" - I told her in no uncertain terms how hard single motherhood is but ultimately her choice. She stayed. This guy texts her friends flirty messages CONSTANTLY. I've ignored him for months many many times. This time he commented on my fb saying he had the tools needed for a bike issue I was having (so public forum where she can see) and then pm'd me to follow up. We messaged maybe 5 times while I tried to figure out what to take, when I was arriving and how to get the wheel off the gear chain. Only other times we've spoken are when he is pro-leave and I have to stop myself sending hugely long rants as pro-remain.

He is fucking annoying, fat, ugly, useless and lazy. She is always moaning about him. WTF would I want with this man other than help to fix my bike with the assumption he had mentioned it to his wife who was supposed to be MY FRIEND who might like to see me on my birthday!?

Sorry for ranty message. She's texting this morning and although I had it together last night it's hurting again. Please send memes to cheer me up! I've told her this has fuck all to do with me but am very sad she even thought I would do this.

Well tbh you had no business influencing her to stay when he was first harassing students. Why would you do that?

Her head is probably up her arse as he is obviously still texting women behind her back and your more concerned that she might like to see you on your birthday

You know he is a fucking pest so either should have ignored him or confirmed with her. Why did t you tell her he was messaging you over the months? Why didn’t you block him?

I spoke to her at length while she stayed with me for a weekend while pg about whether she would be able to stay in her house, continue with her job, get childcare and their financial arrangements. All of those considered I wasn't going to tell her that it was going to be easy. She was convinced he had only messaged this other person and was going to counselling with him about it. His messaging to the rest of us started up around a year later. All I can do as a friend is offer advice and be honest, ultimately the choice is hers.

But thanks for cheering me up and blaming me some more

Single mother working mother = really hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy (unless they'd been though what I'd been through - then go, run now) its insane, lonely, difficult and zero support.

Its tough to handle a conniving sod who is using any way possible to get into other knickers. There is no nice way to put it. You took a friend OH at face value and he treated you and her like shit.

I am sorry it happen to you, you couldn't foresee him being like that or her reaction. It could be she doesn't want to face the reality of what he is. I've been their and done that and it still haunts me today. Being overly cautious in my dealings with people, having trust issues. thinking I'm going bonkers because I've got no other reasonable adult to have a simple conversation with.

Basically (and I'll take the heat for this) he Trump'd you.

Frankly you gave your opinion of single parenting, probably pretty much like mine. and I'll lay it out better. Its fucking tough. And, well what she did with it afterwards is nothing for you to worry about.

I hear your story and understand it fully, chin up put it behind you tomorrow is another day. ANd put her on block for a day or to and read them when you feel better and try to have a laff about it.

Thank you complete. Trump'd is actually a good way to explain it - loads of little every so slightly pervy messages that I could ignore and not hear from him for weeks/months. Not the kind of thing you go running to someone's partner about but low level stuff that makes you eye roll and ignore "Hello beautiful" for example - ignore!

We've not spoken for a few months because she is so busy (I assume!) but it is always me calling her to check how she is, keep in the loop etc and if I don't I won't hear from her. Given all that I think I just need to accept that we aren't actually good friends at all. I clearly thought this was something nice she had agreed to for my birthday when it wasn't even on her radar.

I was in a negative place on my birthday after months of being in lockdown and not seeing people and maybe just didn't read into this as a possible thing that would backfire; he offered help quite openly and I accepted as it never even crossed my mind he would do anything weird at their house with her there or that he would expect to keep it "secret" somehow. The whole thing is mind-boggling to me and somehow I've ended up taking the blame for his previous messages that he sends out regularly to goodness knows how many women! I know this reaction is because I am single; none of the friends who are married that he messages are getting abuse from her.

Being a single mum makes you so vulnerable to accusations like this and it really sucks. He's fucked up a friendship for me as well as making my lockdown even more shitty. Selfish arsehole.

OK, so I'm clearly still angry, will block her for today, thanks for the advice and

Thanks to lockdown similar but very different things have happened to me. So I can get where your coming from. You're grateful for the contact not realising that there might be a hidden agenda. Which then spirals out of control and of course your not their for people to have participated in your side of the conversation. Its getting to the point where I think everything should be recorded and public. Such as after work telephone calls to my personal number not my work number.

So you're not alone - well you are, cos your a lone parent, but not alone in the wider community of fubar lockdown.

Park the anger it wont do you any good and maybe consider unblocking her when you next think about a need to contact her.

And as for him wipe him of the face of your contacts everywhere

Yes, I think people evidently see us as easy targets

I had actually taken him off my phone last year and still have the message in response to his asking who it was as their number wasn't on my phone... I have no desire to ever be in contact with him again after this (he was hardly on my list of fave's beforehand tbh but I tolerated him for her sake).

Yeah, anger is pointless - just hard not to be hurt and wonder why people like to take out issues on the one person with no support! Thanks again and I hope your situations improve too. So hard to be strong all of the time!

Victim blaming is common place, its not the fault of the attacker because they are justified in their attack because of your opinion/behaviour does not fit their world view.

Shit I'm lining myself up for a big bad flaming here.

I've come to this conclusion from walking the dog. Mines (small/borderline medium) on the lead happily sticking his nose in something smelly, lolling his tongue and being a happy little thing.

Big fucker of a dog comes over grabs him by the scruff of the neck gives him a shake. Other dog owner says its my fault for him being on a lead, he must have an attitude.

How the fuck does that work? I'm keeping my dog on a lead for control and safety and to ensure he doesn't get involved in dogs that I don't know the history of.

No matter what other smugmug owner reckons its my dogs fault and pisses off into the distance thinking they are right and hard and sorted the issue out to their liking

Well those are just my thoughts on the topic.