Hi everyone!
I'm pregnant. It was all planned, but with the wrong person. Someone who I love but who is toxic and dysfunctional. It took me long to realise things will never change, even though I believed they would and that we could be a happy family. I was wrong.
I was living with him and left the country where we were living together to visit my home country. Coming to my home country I found such peace, and then I realised how stressful life is next to him, even though I love him. But I live in stress, anxiety (breathing difficulties and all) mental misery and depression when I'm around him. He's very irresponsible with his life choices and I wasn't feeling safe where we were living for a reason which I won't say because I don't want to be judged by anyone. I told him about my insecurities and fears, and I told him plenty of times I didn't feel safe where I was living with him but he never seemed to be willing to come up with a solution to sort out our situation, or even give words of support, comfort and a promise he'd come up with a solution. Nothing! I was always left feeling my peace of mind and safety don't matter to him, nor the baby's since I'm pregnant.
So I left to visit my family back home. After a week of staying here and feeling so at peace, happy and safe, I decided I didn't want to come back, and so I stayed. I came up with solution when he didn't. I felt it was the best for the baby and I. I said to him I wanted to keep the relationship and I suggested we keep being a family at distance, until he can move to my home country. We've had plans to move here at some point in our lives. It was never my intention to break up! And I even made an effort to be in contact with him everyday. I constantly reassured him I wanted us to be a family. And I told him we could never be a happy family when I'm feeling so miserable, depressed, anxious and unsafe, specially without him ever reassuring me of things.
Over this period of me being away I could feel him fading away. Maybe kind of punishing me for having left. I just don't understand how he can't understand why I left even though I have explained. He hasn't shown any empathy at all. I ended up breaking up with him for the obvious reasons. He wasn't calling when he'd promise he would, wasn't listening to my feelings like always, and again not reassuring me and giving me a sense of safety and etc. So I break up for the 1000th. It's an on and off relationship for 3 years. I know it seems reckless to have planned a child, but he seemed so convincing when he promised he'd change last time we came back together. Humans can be really dumb when in love eh. I'm aware of that.
We're not talking at the moment. Now my biggest fear is that my baby boy will grow up without a father figure. I know how this can affect a child. I don't know if the father will be present or not. But, even if he is, he lives in another country and I doubt he'll ever make the effort to travel frequently to see his boy. Specially because it's a boy. He wanted a girl.
I'm kind of wishing I find the right man who will be a father figure for my son. This is so frustrating and upsetting! All I can think about is how my son is going to feel when we grows up and begins thinking for himself and finds himself in this situation.
Anyone out there who has lived a similar situation and child turned out to be happy and complete? Or anyone out there who knows of stories or has an opinion? I just want my child to be happy and complete. I don't want him to go through such trauma of not having a father figure. Or even if someone comes along, I think a child will always want the biological one, no? This is bothering me enormously, maybe because of how it felt when my dad left the country. He'd call almost everyday and we'd spend like an hour talking on the phone almost everyday. So he was kind of present and that still affected me. Maybe if my mother and grandmother had been loving it wouldn't have affected me so much? I don't know! I'm just going to make sure I will be for my son what my mother, grandmother and father never were for me. Loving, affectionate, good-listener, best friend, empathic, understanding, present... maybe he won't miss his biological father so much??? What do you think?