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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Single mum with young kids and feeling lost now

15 replies

Sockmonster23 · 11/07/2020 07:43

About a year ago I had a terrible breakup. My ex abused me and threatened me and kicked me or threats to kick me out. He also said I would never have the kids but what’s true is that he has carried through his threats but now it’s all over and we have a court order. All the kids go to his alternative weekends soon but for now it’s still just for the day..

I like my time alone but feel empty too when I’m on my own. He didn’t treat me all bad some of the stuff he done and said makes me cry still a year on. I was loyal and faithful and loved him yet for one thing I said and it was in defence of one of my children he turned on me so bad and kicked me out. We were not married maybe in some thankfully. I want to find love again and with my tears in my eyes as a I write this my kids of course will always come first.

Sometimes I wonder if staying with someone like that is better than still crying all the time. He never hit me but used to say you want me to hit you don’t you ?! I see 2 other ladies still with men who have treated them bad and neither is happy but say it’s better than being single and one was threatened with a weapon.

My kids come first and my eldest saw too much but now he seems to have forgotten and even asked once why we can’t be a family. I think
He is also seeing a girl he was with one time when we were together but said they were just friends and just his friend which I know was very likely a lie. I guess I’m not that young anymore, had kids later in life and was so sure he was the one only to end broken I know I am being silly just after anyone who ever feels lonely and broken without their kids ?

OP posts:

nicola9440 · 18/07/2020 11:26

I'm in the same boat to be honest x

Bearnecessity · 18/07/2020 21:49

Bless you, it is hard...wishing you strength.

1Micem0use · 19/07/2020 04:14

Dont you feel sorry for the lady who thinks being with a man who threatens her with a weapon is better than being single? It's much much better to be single than to be with a bad man

Mintjulia · 19/07/2020 07:05

Give it some more time OP. There is nothing worse than living with an abusive partner. And you are preventing your children from growing up thinking that kind of thing is ok, is normal.

But maybe you need to add a family outing where you all go out together, cinema or picnic or bowling. Eat together, have a laugh together. You don’t need a partner to do that.

Can you get another family involved, or your mum/dad?

I’m single with ds too. I understand how it might feel like that sometimes x

unicornsarereal72 · 19/07/2020 08:22

It is a horrible limbo. You miss the family unit. As dysfunctional as it was. You also miss the children when they are not there.

My ex left 3 years ago now. I still find it hard. But we have got on with life. During in lock down he came to stay to 'help'. My children changed over night. Withdrawn and tearful. His dominate abusive ways hasn't changed at all. Thankfully he has got his own place again now. And the children have a happy and safe home.

Stay strong you and the children deserve better.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/07/2020 11:58

I know a lot of single parents.

Once you come to terms with the fact you are a single parent you will realise what a lucky escape you had and the freedom you have.

My friends who are single parents are the happiest people I know because they revel in their freedom of doing what they want when they want to and it isn’t up to anyone else.
If they want to stay up late with the kids watching movies till 3am then they can. They don’t have anyone saying they need to put the kids in bed and go to bed themselves. If they don’t want to wash up that night they can leave it till the next day. They don’t have anyone grumbling about the washing up not being done.
If they don’t want to cook and get a take away they can. They don’t have to ask anyone else.
They say it is hard work and scary because everything is down to them but equally they see the benefits of everything being down to them.

Your friends who look on being a single parent as the worse thing that can happen to them are wrong.

The worse thing that can happen is to stay in a miserable marriage/partnership to avoid being a single parent and waste your precious life being unhappy whilst trying to make someone who doesn’t like you but keeps you around because they can, happy.

The unhappiest people I know are those that are married/living with someone but are single parents within the relationship.

I think your friends are frightened to let go because they think their life will be worse.

They won’t realise that the life they are living is purgatory until they suddenly find themselves on their own and have come to terms with their split.

Atm you have people telling you that being a single parent is terrible but they aren’t single parents so how would they know?

nicola9440 · 19/07/2020 14:30

@unicornsarereal72

It is a horrible limbo. You miss the family unit. As dysfunctional as it was. You also miss the children when they are not there.

Stay strong you and the children deserve better.

Wow! My ex came also to help during lock down! It was awful found my self crying with the sort of things he came out of also within that 4 week of him coming to "help" he spent £400 on cannabis I had enough and told him to leave! Couldn't take it anymore.

nicola9440 · 19/07/2020 14:34

@Oliversmumsarmy

I know a lot of single parents.

Once you come to terms with the fact you are a single parent you will realise what a lucky escape you had and the freedom you have.

Your friends who look on being a single parent as the worse thing that can happen to them are wrong.

The unhappiest people I know are those that are married/living with someone but are single parents within the relationship.

I think your friends are frightened to let go because they think their life will be worse.

They won’t realise that the life they are living is purgatory until they suddenly find themselves on their own and have come to terms with their split.

Atm you have people telling you that being a single parent is terrible but they aren’t single parents so how would they know?

Honestly this is sooo true! When I was in my abusive relationship it was a nightmare the kids had to be in bed at a certain time and I had to do it he would neve put them to bed. I had to do the dishes. Cook. Clean. Once a month he would say he's "cooking" in the morning the kids couldn't be upstairs whilst he "slept" it was a nightmare!

unicornsarereal72 · 19/07/2020 17:46

@nicola9440

What were we thinking 😀

PumpkinP · 19/07/2020 18:19

Wow sadly I can’t relate to pps comment, I’m a single parent, it’s been 3 years and it’s bloody hard and I’m utterly miserable, sometimes I wish I stayed with ex, 3 years in and it’s not got any better.

MissMarvelMum · 20/07/2020 09:47

I am a single parent aswell, and I do get lonely sometimes when the kids are in bed. (They never go away to dads anymore, he’s a narc asshole)
But then I remember the freedoms I have now, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
I can spend my money on whatever I want (and I don’t have to pay drug dealers anymore (he smokes a lot of weed)). I can leave the dishes at the sink for the next day. I can order a takeaway without asking permission. In my relationship even though I ran the house and done everything for us all, I still had to ask permission for silly things. And even though I was in a two parent family, I felt like a single parent to three kids instead of my two. I felt more lonely then than I did now. I look back and I can’t believe that I turned into a little quiet terrified mouse when I was with him. I decided my boys couldn’t grow up thinking that was normal, so we packed a bag one day (I daydreamed of doing this for about a year before I was brave enough) when he went to collect his weed and I went to my mums. (Which was so so hard going back there especially with kids) but now, the only regret I have is I never left sooner.
I know the lonelyness is hard, I really struggle with making decisions for my kids, I feel like it’s a huge responsibility but my kids are happy and loved very much.
I’d rather be a little lonely in a happy household than scared in a two parent one.
My ex used to threaten me all the time but never was violent. Just emotionally abusive.
Take care OP, 💐

nicola9440 · 20/07/2020 10:47

@MissMarvelMum

I am a single parent aswell, and I do get lonely sometimes when the kids are in bed. (They never go away to dads anymore, he’s a narc asshole) But then I remember the freedoms I have now, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. I can spend my money on whatever I want (and I don’t have to pay drug dealers anymore (he smokes a lot of weed)). I can leave the dishes at the sink for the next day. I can order a takeaway without asking permission. In my relationship even though I ran the house and done everything for us all, I still had to ask permission for silly things. And even though I was in a two parent family, I felt like a single parent to three kids instead of my two. I felt more lonely then than I did now. I look back and I can’t believe that I turned into a little quiet terrified mouse when I was with him. I decided my boys couldn’t grow up thinking that was normal, so we packed a bag one day (I daydreamed of doing this for about a year before I was brave enough) when he went to collect his weed and I went to my mums. (Which was so so hard going back there especially with kids) but now, the only regret I have is I never left sooner. I know the lonelyness is hard, I really struggle with making decisions for my kids, I feel like it’s a huge responsibility but my kids are happy and loved very much. I’d rather be a little lonely in a happy household than scared in a two parent one. My ex used to threaten me all the time but never was violent. Just emotionally abusive. Take care OP, 💐

Omg honestly if I wasn't in the same position as you. He would never buy my children things they need such as clothes and shoes but found it easy to pay the weed man everyday it really boiled my blood! Yeah I dreamed of the days he would be gone too and yes it does get a bit lonely but it's so much better than living on egg shells wondering when he's gonna flip again when we couldn't afford the money to fund his habits on top of that he would just eat the food out when he had the "munchies" He's 27 now and hes been doing it since he was 22 ☹️ I feel sorry for my kids that there dads not around but it's better him gone because he would ignore them when he was mardy and didn't have any "smoke left" soon as he got that smoke he would speak to the kids again. Awful man. On top of that he would go on dating sites not missing out on much goodluck to the next woman he has I bet she will get the same as me. And yeah he was never violent with me but he did spit at me and come up into my face like he was going to punch me and also when he couldn't find any socks or boxers I would be a fucking bitch because I didn't do is "washing" I went through hell

anon2334 · 25/07/2020 09:29

Hiya

Thanks for messages! I just dropped the kids off for their first overnight and I’m having a Coffee by myself .. I am already feeling lost and sad but I will get on with things today. My ex is a narc for sure and I do worry he will try and drag me to court again for more time, actually I know he will at some point m.. they are so young still and to be fair they seem to enjoy going. My 3 year woke up this morning and said I will miss you mummy ! I was so sad and he said I will be back lol.

I feel but anxious, I can’t imagine women who lose custody to their abusers or even shared but I have to come to terms it may go for 50/50 at some point. My eldest as seen his awful side so knows but again he seems to be behaving at the moment..

anon2334 · 25/07/2020 10:24

I don’t know why I am anon ? I never changed it lol

unicornsarereal72 · 25/07/2020 17:58

Hope the over night goes smoothly for everyone. What are your plans this evening?

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