Ex quizzing kids to find faults with my parenting

[Ollivander]

Ex has kids (11 & 7) once in week and EOW. He has been living with new(ish) GF since March and so they now see her when with him. He was an average parent before this relationship and while we're not particularly amicable things ticked along ok. Now though, he quizzes the kids on what they've eaten, what they've done, how much fresh air/exercise/sleep etc. I receive a text every couple of weeks about things I've done 'wrong' and how the new GF is so caring and spots these things when she's not even their mother.

Lockdown has been very difficult, I'm working FT and one DC has behavioural difficulties (awaiting assessment). I've asked him to help having DC off just a couple of extra hours on his day, he refused. He picks up after 5pm and drops off at 9am so I have them the whole day while working.

I have asked him to stop messaging as generally I can counter every one of his claims and I obviously have my own comments on his parenting style. I don't raise these with him as he is controlling and manipulative. I had to go grey rock with him at the end of our relationship so replying to him is not productive as he wants the attention and to provoke an argument. The kids ask me why he asks so many questions, he asks them to explain themselves over and over and then they trip over their answers and sometimes give any answer just to stop him from badgering them.

I don't know what to do anymore - I don't want him contacting me, don't want to reply to him, but don't want him to make accusations and me not be able to refute them. I've considered taking him to Court to set up a more formal parenting arrangement.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes I've experienced this when my ex rings to speak to my older daughter he will ask her what she's done if she's been out, what has she ate... if she's had a bath etc... I'm a very good mum and I just think he's trying to catch me out which will never happen because I look after my kids very well

Can you go back to grey rock? There is no reason to answer these silly accusations and him interrogating the children Is his way of tripping you up to control you.

to be fair, I ask my kids what they've been up to when they are with my ex for longer than a weekend. I'm not checking up on him, I'm just interested in how they are spending their time. It does sound like you r ex is doing more than that though, and being critical in which case, yes, just ignore. Try to avoid the temptation to go back and forth with him as it won't end well and uppermost must be trying to maintain a functioning relationship.

My ex does this to my dd, constantly interrogates and harasses her for info about me and my husband. Badmouths us, lies about us...

If he doesn't get the answer he wants he will badger her with the same question until she changes her answer or he will say "bet your mum told you to say that"

He's always prevented her from contacting me when she is with him but then projects his actions onto me... when DD will visit with him he will ask "why haven't you called me?" when she says that she simply didn't want to, he will say "Yes you did want to but your mum stopped you!"

I really worry about it, its like he's brainwashing her and trying to condition her into saying I stop her calling him, when I'm not...

He used to feed her endless takeaway's, even leftover takeaways for her breakfast the next morning. When he moved in with his girlfriend, he suddenly switched to the healthy homemade only dinners (all cooked by the GF), DD is very resentful after years of being allowed to eat junk, so she often refuses the meals cooked round there, when she says she doesn't like it and wants her takeaways back he again blames me... "your mums told you not to eat round here"... "your mums the one who feeds you junk food, not me!"

DD knows he's lying but its still very confusing for her, she constantly in the middle. I really worry about the long term damage but there's nothing I can do. I just remind and reassure her that none of this is her fault.

He's gaslighting by default. He's asking the children questions which are to undermine you. If he carries on the children won't want to be there anyway, but it's unfair on you and them.
His new girlfriend will find out soon enough I expect.. what he's really like.

I would probably block him, unblock when he has the kids, then back to blocked when you have them.

You don't need to explain yourself at all. He is using his girlfriend and your kids to control you, you do not need to let this happen.